Discussing unexpected death with mid-elementary school child

[Anonymous]

A first cousin of mine died by what we all assume at this point is suicide. She has been troubled for many years and we were not close. My child would see her one or twice a year at family events, but they never really interacted much. My child will not even notice that she stopped showing up.

I will be traveling for the funeral, but I am tempted to not discuss the situation with my child. I feel it will cause unnecessary trauma. On the other hand, death is an important part of life and my child does interact with my cousin’s siblings. I’m sure the death will be discussed at future family events.

What would you do in this situation?

[Anonymous]

I’m sorry for your loss. This type of loss is a simple one to share with your daughter. It won’t be traumatic because she doesn’t have an attachment to this person. They died, you are going to her funeral to show you care and celebrate her life with family. You don’t know how she died, so you don’t speculate. You say that she must have had a very terrible illness, which is sad. And true. Your daughter is unlikely to press for details, and you don’t have them in any case. Death is a part of life.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I’m sorry for your loss. This type of loss is a simple one to share with your daughter. It won’t be traumatic because she doesn’t have an attachment to this person. They died, you are going to her funeral to show you care and celebrate her life with family. You don’t know how she died, so you don’t speculate. You say that she must have had a very terrible illness, which is sad. And true. Your daughter is unlikely to press for details, and you don’t have them in any case. Death is a part of life.

+1, this is just right.

[Anonymous]

I don't know, at that age my kids would not be letting that go without an explanation. It could be scary to say the death of another child is unexplained too. I would certainly wait until after the funeral and seeing family to explain suicide.

[Anonymous]

I always want my children to hear any difficult or scary information from me, so I would definitely be telling my children. And I have…my cousin died when my kids were early elementary age. I explained it similar to 18:34. Except I did not talk about an illness. I didn’t want them to be scared they might die when they were sick. They had only met my cousin a few times, and it was not traumatic for them. They were sad for me. Since then, additional closer family members have died, which have been much more difficult, but I have always been honest, in an age appropriate way, and answered all questions they had. Sometimes my answer was… I don’t know.

I’m sorry for your loss.

[Anonymous]

At that age my kids had attended 2-4 funerals of relatives, 2 of which were open casket. You don't need to say it's suicide if you're not comfortable opening up a discussion about that particular topic, but you do need to say where you're going and why. Death should not be an uncomfortable topic by itself, OP.

[Anonymous]

Please don’t hide this - it will be make your kid worry more if they overhear things and have to put it together in their own.

I would be honest about the suicide because of the genetic link - they need to know risk factors (though I wouldn’t say that yet). Just that she had a brain illness. My kids know that alcoholism, like blue eyes, runs in our family and it doesn’t scar them.

[Anonymous]

Children will base their emotional reactions on your reaction. It’s a good idea to tell them the fact that someone died and then what happens when someone dies, like people usually bring food and go to a funeral and share memories or pictures. With this sad occasion and how you handle it with your kids, you are laying groundwork for other deaths in the future. They learn
little by little. I’m sorry this happened in your family.

[Anonymous]

Cousin Layla passed away unexpectedly. I’m going to the funeral this week.

Done.