Best Friends kids

[Anonymous]

One of my best friends has an autistic daughter and it’s completely changed the dynamic of our friendship. Prior to this O would say we had a reciprocal friendship, give and take through the years and now I’m just finding myself there for her all the time and she never even asks how we are doing or my kids are doing. I’m a constant sounding board about her daughter, the dynamic with her son and their marital problems due to all of the issues that come up. I’m not trying to sound heartless here but I also have plenty of issues life has handed me (father and sibling died in my childhood) and I care for a mother with full dementia who was abusive. I don’t discuss that with her because she’s not good with being a sounding board of any kind but I’m at the point I need to step away from her. I don’t know how to handle it but I’m tired of it.

[Anonymous]

Maybe you should open up to her and share your struggles? You could bond that way and share support as friends. Don’t blame her just because you are playing secret games that she is unaware of.

[Anonymous]

It sounds like your friend is actively in the middle of a crisis, which, in my experience, takes many years to work through. So it’s no surprise that this crisis is dominating your friend’s thoughts, actions, and conversations. It’s normal to turn to close friends in these situations, especially if she doesn’t have a therapist or other professional support.

That said, it’s totally reasonable to tell your friend that you feel like things have become one-sided and you need her to ask about what’s going on in your life too. If this is one of your best friends who has been in your life for years, you don’t just throw that away because your friend is going through a crisis. You need to be a grown adult and communicate your needs.

I agree with PP that you are the one who has to proactively open up about your own issues. Even if your friend asks you how you and your kids are doing, if all you do is say fine or only share the highlights, you’ll still feel alienated.

[Anonymous]

I know a lot of people with family members who have ASD. My life is easy compare to theirs, and I have been through way worse than you ever have.
Your friend has also gone through and will go through 'life issues' just like everyone else and then add ASD.
She has it way worse, but do take a break from her if you need it.

[Anonymous]

Can you say more about your friend being “not good at being a sounding board of any kind”? Judy trying to understand the situation a bit more.

If you don’t want to cut off the friendship, you can certainly set boundaries, in terms of your availability. You don’t have to be unapologetic about it. If she notices, you can share what’s on your plate. It’s totally reasonable of you to do so.

[Anonymous]

^^jusy trying to understand

[Anonymous]

Just ^^

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I know a lot of people with family members who have ASD. My life is easy compare to theirs, and I have been through way worse than you ever have.
Your friend has also gone through and will go through 'life issues' just like everyone else and then add ASD.
She has it way worse, but do take a break from her if you need it.

PP, that may be true but that does not mean that there cannot be any reciprocity in their friendship, or that OP should just squelch her feelings.

[Anonymous]

OP, I think it's time to admit that you are no longer a good sounding board for her either. There's no fault in that; it is just the new reality. By all means grieve the friendship you used to have, but don't try to engineer what it is now. You should bring this up one time, tenderly, and see what happens. You can try and steer conversations away from kids by declaring 15 minutes of no kids talk when you get together or something like that. You can pull back, she'll notice and also grieve the friendship you once had. But her responsibility to her kid is foremost in her mind and that won't change. Depending on the severity of the ASD, this could be the case for the next couple of years, decade, or permanent.

[Anonymous]

One of my kids has autism. One of my parents had dementia, the other is highly abusive. Husband was hospitalized with a life-threatening condition for 2 months a while back. There's more, but I just want you to know OP I get it from both sides.

I don't have a lot to give, but I also don't really vent to friends. Friendships are reciprocal and I try to be mindful of this and not burden anymore.

There are times when some of my relationships have felt draining and there was nothing coming back. I had to distance with empathy. She should be asking about you and she should understand you have plenty going on. If you find she just has no interest or minimizes anything you share than perhaps step back a bit with empathy. You have to take care of you. I rarely ever shut a door on anyone metaphorically, but I cannot manage one-sided relationships anymore with anyone who I didn't bring into this world.

[Anonymous]

"You know what I realized? We've talked about Larla the last four times we've talked and I've been waiting to talk with you about my mom. Can we just talk about what's going on with my mom for the next 15 minutes? I need to talk this out with you."

See what she says. And invest time and energy with other friends who will be more reciprocal.

[Anonymous]

Is she asking you for advice regarding your child? This is really no different than a woman complaining about her DH. You are not a professional and are not qualified to give advice.