Social skills / therapy or other 8th grade DS

[Anonymous]

DS is struggling socially right now, he had some loose friend groups from elementary (he entered his school in 3rd grade, during Covid, first year contact was limited) but seemed good by 5th.

Things changed in middle school (new kids) and was in another nice loose group —mainly in school but some occasional weekend get togethers, but he was happy. Each year things shift and hasn’t often had continuity with classes.

In addition to these friends he had two legitimate close friends but these also seem to be drifting (one getting more involved with popular crowd) and another—who isn’t at his middle school, but will be in high school—has not initiated contact in about 4-5 times, but does seem happy when we coordinate.

Right now, he feels like people just tolerate him, don’t look forward to seeing him and he’s been excluded from group hangouts (apparently arranged in front of him). Hard to say if that’s entirely true or if he’s not expressing interest. He’s feeling insecure and that being nice doesn’t matter.

He’s not into alternative stuff but also not the cool jock or super brainy kid (average-ish grades) so I think this makes it hard.

Many friends are going to different high schools (his is common destination).

We talk a lot but I think he mainly wants to vent. He doesn’t want to hear how common this is or that I felt the same way.

I just would love some way to help him feel better socially

Thanks for reading

[Anonymous]

I think he just hasn’t found his people yet and this isn’t a great time to try - he has one semester left with many of these people.

Next year have him try clubs at high school to meet people with similar interests. If nothing else, do backstage stuff at theatre - it’s a slightly quirky and welcoming group.

[Anonymous]

Join the high school cross country team Very welcoming kids and mist teams start practicing over the summer so you show up to high school already with a solid group of friends

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Join the high school cross country team Very welcoming kids and mist teams start practicing over the summer so you show up to high school already with a solid group of friends

I second this. And if he doesn’t want to run, he can volunteer to manage the team. It’s a very welcoming environment and nice kids.

But more importantly, encourage him to join things. Join anything and keep trying if something isn’t a good fit. This is what he needs more than a social skills good.

Would he consider stage crew in theater? It’s another good group and they always need people to help build sets, etc.

[Anonymous]

Sounds very much like my kid.

He did join cross country, as those above posted. He wasn't the fastest or best runner by any means but he is a natural cheerleader for others and wound up often leading warmups and cooldowns for the team. He would stay behind with younger runners who were struggling and was chosen as MVP sophomore year because of these efforts, which I thought was awesome. Just sharing this an example of how he found his strengths in a place where he was appreciated. Cross country seems to be a very accepting sport.

He is also in therapy for generalized anxiety. We fond a male therapist that seems a bit like my kid -- kind, quiet, thoughtful -- just without the obvious anxiety.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Sounds very much like my kid.

He did join cross country, as those above posted. He wasn't the fastest or best runner by any means but he is a natural cheerleader for others and wound up often leading warmups and cooldowns for the team. He would stay behind with younger runners who were struggling and was chosen as MVP sophomore year because of these efforts, which I thought was awesome. Just sharing this an example of how he found his strengths in a place where he was appreciated. Cross country seems to be a very accepting sport.

He is also in therapy for generalized anxiety. We fond a male therapist that seems a bit like my kid -- kind, quiet, thoughtful -- just without the obvious anxiety.

This is such a nice story. I’m the poster above you and my kid was/is a manager after having a bad and toxic middle school experience. Track has been a really good environment, which is why I suggested any involvement at all. I’m glad you shared your story.

[Anonymous]

At our school, the running teams (cross country or whatever) do not cut. The focus is not on winning, but on improving one's own times. And the teams are supportive and helpful and friendly, not socially difficult. Something to consider next fall...

[Anonymous]

Band kids seem nice too.

He just hasnt found his tribe—encourage to explore what he’s truly interested in, whether it’s at home or outside of the home. When he starts figuring out what he likes, then he will find like minds.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:At our school, the running teams (cross country or whatever) do not cut. The focus is not on winning, but on improving one's own times. And the teams are supportive and helpful and friendly, not socially difficult. Something to consider next fall...

No cut sports are great. Mine joined crew and loved it.

[Anonymous]

Have him join more clubs etc. He just needs more exposure to different groups. He will eventually find his people, but don't be afraid to look outside your bubble.

It's tough out there, but you're not wrong for being concerned. Our whole county was very sports focused and overly competitive with youth sports. Those who didn't play were cast aside and there weren't many other options.

Fast forward to high school, we deliberately chose to send him to private in another county with very different culture so that he would have access and exposure to different opportunities than what was offered locally.

He's found his people very quickly!