Leveling up

[Anonymous]

I had an aha moment yesterday when I was ruminating on my personal troubles, and thought, if what happened to you was happening to your best friend, what would you tell her?

I would tell her ignore the toxic people, no matter how much they hurt you and unfair it was, just be glad you are free! Go live and be happy!

And since I’m not living that way, I realized how much I get in my own way and my own happiness. So the question is, how do I start treating myself better and following my own advice? Why is it so hard?

[Anonymous]

It's a flaw in how we're designed, OP. We see out, not in. This is why it's important to keep trusted counsel and close friends who will tell us when we're in our own way.

The hack you used, asking yourself what you'd tell a good friend in your position, is a good one.

[Anonymous]

Look up Kristin Neff. She has a TED talk on self compassion. She offers the same sort of exercise and a few others you night like to try.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:It's a flaw in how we're designed, OP. We see out, not in. This is why it's important to keep trusted counsel and close friends who will tell us when we're in our own way.

The hack you used, asking yourself what you'd tell a good friend in your position, is a good one.

I agree with you, but will note that it's hard to identify trusted counsel and friends when you have low self esteem. There are lots of people who will not actually help you to see more clearly and will give you bad advice (often advice that serves their interests, not yours) and who don't see themselves clearly either. The blind leading the blind, so to speak.

Sorry to be negative about that, but I grew up in an abusive home with parents who were never "trusted counsel" and it led to me attracting these sorts of people in my own life, because I didn't really know how to tell the difference.

I had to work on myself a lot to get to the point where I can discern the difference between someone who is helping instead of hurting -- therapy, reading books that increased both my self-knowledge and the ability to recognize negative dynamics in relationships, and practice. I still wouldn't say I'm amazing at it, but better than what I once was.

I do think OP's instinct, to take her natural empathy towards others and turn it towards herself, is key though. If you can do that, it helps you better assess your own behavior and also is a gut check as to whether the relationships around you are healthy. When you can have compassion and love for yourself, it makes it easier to recognize when someone else is not treating you with compassion or love. I think this is the first step.

[Anonymous]

what???