What does this mean?

[Anonymous]

Neighbor was blindsided in a divorce a few years ago after a long marriage. Her then husband had an affair. He immediately moved in with his affair partner and got married to her and started playing father of the year to her 4 adult kids with 3 different fathers. He ghosted his own adult children. This was about 4 years ago.

Question: he is now texting his kids and expressing regret and saying he wishes he could see them and thinks about them all the time. My neighbor asked me my thoughts on the matter. I have no idea what to tell her. Why would he try to contact his kids now?

[Anonymous]

Because he is now living in the reality of his actions. The excitement has worn off but he's still the same person with the same problems but he has alienated himself from his kids. If the kids are adults, they get to decide how and if they want to rebuild their relationship with him. People who blow up their lives like that usually do face a reckoning at some point. He just woke up with a severe hangover from a several year binge. Your friend doesn't owe him anything. I would encourage my kids to reconnect with their father in whatever way they are comfortable but if they don't want to, that's totally fine as well.

[Anonymous]

Why would he try to contact his kids now? IME, because he wants something from them -- whether it's an actual thing or just that he wants to be able to say that he has repaired his relationship with them so that he looks like a good dad. In any case, the ex-wife (or you) should waste any time puzzling about why he is in contact.

If her children are adults, then she should say to them that their relationship with their dad is their choice, and she will support them in having whatever kind of relationship they want with him, but that it might be a good time for them to do some individual therapy to process the divorce, the abandonment and their own feelings about it and for support in decision-making about how to respond.

She should also explain what her own boundaries are with him and whether and to what degree she is or is not open to joint appearances with him.

[Anonymous]

My mother’s husband did this. His adult kids despise him. I personally don’t blame them.

He’s attempting to reach out to his own because well they’re his kids.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:
My mother’s husband did this. His adult kids despise him. I personally don’t blame them.

He’s attempting to reach out to his own because well they’re his kids.

Yes, they are his kids, but he ghosted them for years. He didn’t attend his daughter’s phd graduation ceremony and he has a grandchild he has never met.

Imagine being ghosted by your dad for years and then being expected to act like nothing happened? And they have tried to contact him over the years and he never responded. They need a dad, he wasn’t available.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:
My mother’s husband did this. His adult kids despise him. I personally don’t blame them.

He’s attempting to reach out to his own because well they’re his kids.

Yes, they are his kids, but he ghosted them for years. He didn’t attend his daughter’s phd graduation ceremony and he has a grandchild he has never met.

Imagine being ghosted by your dad for years and then being expected to act like nothing happened? And they have tried to contact him over the years and he never responded. They need a dad, he wasn’t available.

Ma’am agree. He’s some trash. He will have to deal and live w that

His children are adults and they should navigate best steps forward on their own terms

[Anonymous]

Maybe discuss your ex-husband’s behavior with your therapist, OP. Crowd-sourcing this isn’t healthy. Nor is the “asking for a friend” construct.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:
My mother’s husband did this. His adult kids despise him. I personally don’t blame them.

He’s attempting to reach out to his own because well they’re his kids.

Yes, they are his kids, but he ghosted them for years. He didn’t attend his daughter’s phd graduation ceremony and he has a grandchild he has never met.

Imagine being ghosted by your dad for years and then being expected to act like nothing happened? And they have tried to contact him over the years and he never responded. They need a dad, he wasn’t available.

That’s very odd. Why would he do that. Does he have a mental illness?

[Anonymous]

Your neighbor? Ok lol

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Maybe discuss your ex-husband’s behavior with your therapist, OP. Crowd-sourcing this isn’t healthy. Nor is the “asking for a friend” construct.

This entire site is crowdsourcing. That’s the point of posting here.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Because he is now living in the reality of his actions. The excitement has worn off but he's still the same person with the same problems but he has alienated himself from his kids. If the kids are adults, they get to decide how and if they want to rebuild their relationship with him. People who blow up their lives like that usually do face a reckoning at some point. He just woke up with a severe hangover from a several year binge. Your friend doesn't owe him anything. I would encourage my kids to reconnect with their father in whatever way they are comfortable but if they don't want to, that's totally fine as well.

This.

[Anonymous]

Ps if by what does it mean, you wonder if he wants to get back to his first wife, then no. Otherwise he would have reached out directly to her.

[Anonymous]

His marriage is breaking up and he is sick or broke and wants stuff or care from them.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Because he is now living in the reality of his actions. The excitement has worn off but he's still the same person with the same problems but he has alienated himself from his kids. If the kids are adults, they get to decide how and if they want to rebuild their relationship with him. People who blow up their lives like that usually do face a reckoning at some point. He just woke up with a severe hangover from a several year binge. Your friend doesn't owe him anything. I would encourage my kids to reconnect with their father in whatever way they are comfortable but if they don't want to, that's totally fine as well.

Agreed… The excitement/newness wore off. He’s now realizing the grass isn’t greener on the other side.

[Anonymous]

He sounds like an a hole is what I’d say.