Burnout- can not keep house functioning

[Anonymous]

I am newly single mom of two school age kids/tween with a busy job that requires semi regular travel.

Completely burned out and ended up calling out today to try and get life in order. It is 5pm, place is still a wreck and only managed to do a load of dishes and 2 loads of laundry... in 8 hours. House is in shambles, always searching for lost items and always packing, unpacking bags and equipment between houses. I have DC's 80%+ of time

How can I get my life back together and stop living in squalor and chaos - what does burnout recovery look like when you can't take a leave of absence???

[Anonymous]

It looks like a different job.

You need a regular, every-single-weekend babysitter. Saturdays 9-12 or 1-4 or whatever. They take the kids out of the house. OUT! First hour you lie down. Second hour you get rid of things. Choose a category and purge objects from your home. You are stressed because you have too many objects. Third hour you do whatever chores feel most pressing. You may feel better if you make a weekly routine schedule of chores and tasks. Then you won't feel like you're trying to do everything at once.

Stop trying to keep your kids' lives the same as before you were single. It's ok for them to have changes. It's ok for them to feel the effects of the divorce or whatever it was that made you single. If you try to prevent their lives from changing you will only drive yourself crazy.

[Anonymous]

I disagree with the babysitter advice above. Maybe if they were toddlers, preschoolers, or early elementary but a tween is old enough to help tidy the house, switch the laundry, empty the dishwasher, etc. I saw this as a single mom of a tween and a teen. I'm still burned out but I'd be in much worse shape if I did it all while paying someone to take my kids out of the house.

[Anonymous]

I would hire a sitter to take your kid to whatever activity it is they need to go to. That way you'll get some quiet mental space in the home, and also get that task done.

You have to declutter. It's hard for some people, but really, you just pick one category and go to it. Then move on to the next category. It doesn't matter what order or what the categories are.

I think also getting on a steady meal routine will help you. Sundays you make a big meal and eat leftovers Monday. Tuesday pasta. Wednesday chicken and rice. Thursday something from the freezer. Friday order pizza-- enough to eat Saturday for lunch too. Kids love routine food.

[Anonymous]

Kids can't do an activity if it's not convenient, Scale back. And these kids should be doing all-the-can .. laundry, dishes, meals, etc

[Anonymous]

I’m in the middle of a sucky divorce so I’m not fully in your shoes yet, but part of the problem that you’re operating in an environment that is really hard to turn “normal.” If it’s 80/20, the best case scenario is that your kids are leaving every other weekend. Imagine before your divorce and summer break and what it would be like if you were taking a trip every other weekend. The house would indeed be chaos because you’d constantly be packing and unpacking and doing a bunch of laundry all at once. I’m guessing the kids bring dirty stuff back because they can’t risk leaving it there and not having access? Mine plans to bring hers back and forth too so I don’t blame them.

Anyway, I’m saying that there might not be a short term solution but more importantly, of course you are burnt out! This is a really bad arrangement for you and the kids and just when you’re barely scraping by and getting into your own new routine, it’s upended by a custody switch and needing to recover once the kids are back. Honestly it sounds like you’re doing a good job with what you have.

[Anonymous]

Why are you packing bags and equipment between houses? Dad can provide clothing and hygiene products at his house. If equipment is sports stuff, I'd let him get a copy for his house (he can go to a used sports shop) so you don't have to send anything except the kids. This alone would help keep your home in order.

[Anonymous]

Wait, so what did you actually literally do all day? Sometimes keeping a time diary can be really helpful.

[Anonymous]

Are you single and parenting 100% of the time or are you saying you’re a single parent when you have a coparent?

[Anonymous]

You have to maximize your time to do chores and rest at other times. If kids were in school all day, what did you do besides laundry and dishes? Not being snarky. I know it can seem like sitting for a minute will get you motivated but that turns into lost time after you realize it has been hours.

You need to declutter- immediately. Then you need to organize what is left and make sure everyone knows what goes where. Dishes are cleaned right after meals with counters wiped.

Everything has a place and everyone participates.

I do laundry at night after work and all day Saturday. Even if I just wash and dry it all then we as a team fold and put away. When you travel, unpack immediately. Spend half your free time doing regular cleaning and half relaxing and reading or exercising- something that rejuvenates you.

I do curbside grocery pick up and Amazon. We have a shared family calendar that kids add their activities. Kids pack their own bags at night so ready to go in the morning.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Are you single and parenting 100% of the time or are you saying you’re a single parent when you have a coparent?

NP and please go away. Your agenda is not welcome on this thread.

[Anonymous]

Lots of good suggestions.
- You need to do decluttering first
- You need to tackle it based on categories.

What are your pain points? Identify those and then figure out how you can address those.
My own pain-points are - laundry/clothes, paperwork, pantry/fridge/freezer.

My tips are -
1) LAUNDRY
- KonMari your clothes. Put every piece of clothing you have from all over the house in a huge pile on the bed or floor. Then go through what you want to keep/donate/sell. In the keep pile, sort what needs to be laundered and what needs to go to the dry cleaners. Purple heart does pickups.
- Seasonal clothes - pack away but only the best of the best. No need to hoard things that does not serve a purpose. See if you can vacuum pack the bulky stuff.
- Dirty clothes - take it all to the laundromat or give to the laundry service. It is one day of work but then you are sorted.
- Dry cleaners run
- Keep 1/3 or even 1/2 of your drawers and closets empty. Keep the extra space as a place holder for those clothes that you want to re-wear before laundering.


2) PAPERWORK
- Keep all the paperwork from all over the house in a big box. Then sit on the floor and work through it.
- Do several pass and make several piles. Then tackle it in categories.
a) Obvious toss.
b) Bills to be paid
c) Cheques to be deposited
d) Medical records
e) Invites etc
f) Action - record keeping/further action.

3) PANTRY/FRIDGE/FREEZER
- Tossing the expired food and spoiled food is first step
- Don't keep aspirational food.
- Fridge, Pantry and Freezer - Food should be visible and accessible. Keep food in one row so that you can see it and that you are not hoarding excessive food. Don't overstuff your space.
- Make menus and shop accordingly. It is ok to grocery shop every 3 days.

After you have sorted out these three categories, tackle the rest of the mess.
If visual clutter in every room is making you overwhelmed....do this hacks -
- Take the before picture of one easy to clean but cluttered place. Quickly, fix the area. This may mean to remove things that don't belong there and put it in another area. Have a designated "place holder" area. Take an "after" picture of the clean space. Maintain that space.
- Similarly - keep cleaning each area and putting extra stuff in the holding area. Keep taking before and after pics. It is an instant calming effect when you see that you have progressed.
- Last - tackle the hoarded area. You can work your way in quadrants in the room. Or you can do 10 tasks at a time. My go-to trick is to only tackle 10 things in a day in my hoard room.
- If the hoard room is too cluttered, you may just start with throwing the obvious trash, or just tackling one type of hoard. For example, you may have a pile of clothes, paperwork, kitchen item, luggage etc or stuff that belong in other places - garage, pantry, craft, closet, returns etc. - - Sometimes your hoard room has a collection of laundry baskets or boxes with previous stashed junk in it. It is ok to go through one box at a time.
- You may need to do multiple passes in your hoard room to tackle it. But, it means that the rest of your rooms remain clean and organized. For many of us ADHD type people, it makes life less overwhelming. You cannot have clutter and mayhem everywhere. It is better to contain it in one place, and then tackle things systematically in categories.

[Anonymous]

Easier said than done, but you have to make the kids contribute to keeping up the house. Make them do their own laundry, set up a list of chores.

[Anonymous]

How old are the kids? Definitely get them helping. Check out Dana K White’s books and podcasts. She has good strategies for decluttering and getting homes under control. Like the real life version. It will get better.

[Anonymous]

Hire a cleaning service and a one time decluttering company. They will help set-up your home for success.