How do you respond to this situation?
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Anonymous
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How would you respond if your 16 yo DS recently received a diagnosis of ADHD-Inattentive, and the following situation insued.: We started medication and we are currently working to find a dose that helps. He saw a therapist yesterday who explained to him all the symptoms of ADHD and how it impacts his brain and decisions, and they agreed to work together to manage some of these behaviors and learn new tools. When he left therapy he was really really angry at me and DH.
For context, in the past, he had the same diagnosis in 3rd grade because he was spacey, but it was "mild," we were told "many kids outgrow it" and he did really well in middle school. So we didn't seek medication or help, other than a tutor to help with studying and organization when needed. Now in high school (he is in 10th grade) he is still doing well (all As mostly), but the work is becoming more of a struggle, he is on screens too much, and he is not managing his time well, hence us seeking a new assessment. Now, with this new diagnosis, he is acting super angry at me and DH, saying "why did you wait so long?" "You have been punishing me and limiting my screen time and really it is all because I can't control it." (We have only limited screentime to 6-7 hours a day with a max of 4 hours of social media per day, because without these limits he can spend all day online.) "You have been blaming me for procrastinating and being lazy, and really it is because of my ADHD." (We don't feel we have been overly strict, although I do nag him to get things done before it is too late and to work harder on things). Any ideas on how to respond? |
Anonymous
| I think you validate the frustration without agreeing entirely. You explain what advice you received and why you made the choice you did. You acknowlwdge that things were harder for him than for some other kids. You also don't agree that he's totally helpless and can't control it. Limiting screen time is actually recommended for kids with ADHD, and not as punishment. If you have been saying or insinuating that he's lazy or blaming him, or if you've said things like "just do your work," or "you just need to work harder, " or the like, you apologize. But you don't agree that kids with ADHD are just off the hook for getting homework done -- they need different strategies, and maybe things are harder, but they still have to work on those things. |
Anonymous
| I’ll share with you the perspective of someone whose DH wasn’t diagnosed until after our only DC was born: not dealing with it now would not have made your life or DS’s life better. A late diagnosis has filled my DH with anger and resentment towards not just his parents but also me, since I was the one who suggested a doctor’s appointment. Your DS is lucky to learn tactics for managing ADHD now, and he might also be able to better absorb them than he may have when he was younger and even more mature. Right now you’re just the punching bag and you have to ride it out. |
Anonymous
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Id make sure he gets the clear message that ADHD doesn't give him permission for behavior he "can't control". Rather he will struggle more with behaviors and he needs to learn tools to help him manage that behavior. Don't let him go down the "it's not my fault" pipeline.
Acknowledge the struggles he has faced and simply explain that when his struggles became too great to manage with a tutor and reminders to get off the screens, you sought additional help for him. - someone who wasn't diagnosed until college |
Anonymous
| Why did you wait so long? I’m kinda shocked at how much screen time and social media you allow. |
Anonymous
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Validate his feelings and let him know you are all in on supporting his therapeutic plans and interventions.
He has been playing on hard mode, and even though you got bad advice, he’s angry. Be his safe space and work with his team. |
Anonymous
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It’s ok to feel angry and the easiest target is someone close to you. Doesn’t mean we are really the ones at fault but it’s understandable.
That’s the stance I’d maintain. |
Anonymous
Good advice here. And yes, validate his feelings but then go back to this point. And remember, our kids our often angry with us about EVERYTHING in these years and it’s always our fault anyway. It’s part of being a teen. We never let our oldest use ADHD as an excuse. It was about learning how how manage it and what tools/systems he needed. |
Anonymous
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Not questioning the diagnosis at all..
But on screens too much and not managing time well is super common in teens. Don't fault yourself for not jumping to meds immediately. |
Anonymous
| Yep, just wanted to say, even normal teens spend too much time on the screens and have time management problems. Heck, even the adults do, have you looked around?! I nag my teen to get things done and he's much more mature than average (they do group work a lot and he's telling peers what to do). That said, 4 hours on social media and 6-7 hours online is a lot -- how does your sophomore have time? He should be in sports or other activities, as online is very tempting if one is bored or has nothing going on. |
Anonymous
| why did you? maybe start by explaining that. |
Anonymous
+1, also his adhd is a reason it is not an excuse. |
Anonymous
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I would tell him “you may be right and we screwed up, but let’s get you to the support you need now.” You have no idea how internally stressful his ADHD may have made his life. If meds help, then he may be totally justified in being angry. But the anger isn’t really a useful emotion. But you can apologize.
I mean when I think about it, I’m super ticked my parents never touch my to the doctor for my excruciating periods that made me vomit, have diarrhea and usually miss three days of school while popping like 30 Tylenol. They aren’t going to apologize, but I would have appreciated the apology. |