One and Done?

[Anonymous]

Anyone one and done on the kid front after realizing that DH was not as egalitarian as previously thought?

We’ve been up and down on this question. DC is 7 and claims to want a sibling. Although I think the kid is underestimating how little they will enjoy sharing time/attention/resources. They already have pets.

DH has definitely grown as a parent, but I’m still doing 80% of the mental load for family management. I’m 40, this year feels like the final year that I’d be willing to consider another kid. I do want another, sometimes. But also the reality of how much kids cost. I’ve done SAHM, I prefer working so childcare is a real consideration.

My family doesn’t feel like anything is missing, but it doesn’t feel complete either. At what point is it just time to call it?

[Anonymous]

It's time to call it.

One and done here - started that way, then had second thoughts, then stopped for good at 40. I'm the higher earner and default parent. DH sort of wanted another kid because that's what people do, but had no plan for the necessary life changes. Kid wanted a sibling but in the same way they want a hamster; with a 6+ year age gap they would not have been playmates.

I'm 46 now and physically so much more tired, plus everything is more expensive. I'm glad I don't have a 5 year old right now.

[Anonymous]

Don't. DH's like that don't change.

[Anonymous]

A 7 year old does not get to have a sibling because they decided they want one.

[Anonymous]

Hi OP, I’m one and done with a 7 yo. I was in my late 30s when he was born so had only a short window to decide if we wanted another and had been leaning toward an only to begin with. But it was absolutely the understanding of how much would fall on me, even with a very helpful DH, and a realistic assessment of our mutual bandwidth, that led to my decision. I also couldn’t wait to go back to work from maternity leave even though I absolutely love my child, so I knew continuing to work was important to me, too.

DC has sometimes asked for a sibling but we just talk about how all families are different and that’s OK. At this point I think my husband and I both feel like we have the best of all possible worlds with a wonderful kid and a special closeness as a family. But it took some time to arrive here.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Anyone one and done on the kid front after realizing that DH was not as egalitarian as previously thought?

We’ve been up and down on this question. DC is 7 and claims to want a sibling. Although I think the kid is underestimating how little they will enjoy sharing time/attention/resources. They already have pets.

DH has definitely grown as a parent, but I’m still doing 80% of the mental load for family management. I’m 40, this year feels like the final year that I’d be willing to consider another kid. I do want another, sometimes. But also the reality of how much kids cost. I’ve done SAHM, I prefer working so childcare is a real consideration.

My family doesn’t feel like anything is missing, but it doesn’t feel complete either. At what point is it just time to call it?

I know it’s not a decision for the child to make in this situation, but what a bizarre attitude you have towards a child gaining a sibling. Very transactional, mercantile, and un-human.

[Anonymous]

Who cares what your kid wants? Does your kid have a job and pay the bills? I can't believe you would actually seriously consider having a baby because a child said so, particularly with an unhelpful spouse.

[Anonymous]

Have a second kid if you want the kid, not because your child wants a sibling.

[Anonymous]

7 year olds do not get to make family planning decisions. JFC

[Anonymous]

You either decide to do it, close, the door, or take the passive way out and run out the clock. If wanting a second outweighs not, I would discuss what you would need from DH and give yourself a window like one year to get pregnant.

[Anonymous]

Nowhere in your post do you say that you want another child. And a 7 or 8 year age gap is also kind of a tell.

I'll introduce another question into the mix - what if it's a risky pregnancy and/or the child is disabled.

My second pregnancy (age 37) was life-threatening. My close friend, pregnant at the same time, terminated due to severe fetal abnormality.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Anyone one and done on the kid front after realizing that DH was not as egalitarian as previously thought?

We’ve been up and down on this question. DC is 7 and claims to want a sibling. Although I think the kid is underestimating how little they will enjoy sharing time/attention/resources. They already have pets.

DH has definitely grown as a parent, but I’m still doing 80% of the mental load for family management. I’m 40, this year feels like the final year that I’d be willing to consider another kid. I do want another, sometimes. But also the reality of how much kids cost. I’ve done SAHM, I prefer working so childcare is a real consideration.

My family doesn’t feel like anything is missing, but it doesn’t feel complete either. At what point is it just time to call it?

You’re done. Nothing in this posts suggests you want another child. If you did, it’d be more than “sometimes.” A seven-year gab between siblings usually isn’t great. The younger child often gets resources and opportunities that the older one didn’t, leading to resentment later. A large age gap can work in families that are very child-focused and the parents really want another child. Nothing in your post suggests you have this or want this.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Anyone one and done on the kid front after realizing that DH was not as egalitarian as previously thought?

We’ve been up and down on this question. DC is 7 and claims to want a sibling. Although I think the kid is underestimating how little they will enjoy sharing time/attention/resources. They already have pets.

DH has definitely grown as a parent, but I’m still doing 80% of the mental load for family management. I’m 40, this year feels like the final year that I’d be willing to consider another kid. I do want another, sometimes. But also the reality of how much kids cost. I’ve done SAHM, I prefer working so childcare is a real consideration.

My family doesn’t feel like anything is missing, but it doesn’t feel complete either. At what point is it just time to call it?

I know it’s not a decision for the child to make in this situation, but what a bizarre attitude you have towards a child gaining a sibling. Very transactional, mercantile, and un-human.

Some kids are like this. My oldest DD resents having to give up time and attention from me for her younger sibling. She never wanted a sibling and was extremely upset when she found out she was getting one.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:A 7 year old does not get to have a sibling because they decided they want one.

This. 7 year olds don’t have fully developed brains and don’t understand the consequences of many decisions, that’s why adults are in charge. It’s 100% your call.

[Anonymous]

I wanted two and have one because my DH did nothing and contributed tons of aggression and stress even with one. He makes a lot of money but I could not handle two by myself with work, and neither could the marriage.