Would you tell your tween if she was wearing something that was going to make her a Target?

[Anonymous]

DD is not diagnosed ASD but definitely dances to the beat of her own drum and is lost in most social situations.

We love her uniqueness. The issue is her behavior and style often makes her the target of exclusion and even bullying. It would be one thing if she took it in stride but she does not. She’s super sensitive and dejection takes a huge toll on her.

So I am constantly toying the line of guiding her away from behaviors and choices that may make her a target and allowing her to be herself.

For example, this week she wanted to dress as Ms. Rachel to school. She has done it for her younger cousins and they loved it so in her mind her peers will too.

I have to be so careful how I word it or I become the bully. I also don’t want to push my own ideas on her.

How do other parents of socially awkward kids handle these issues?

[Anonymous]

Who is Ms. Rachel?

Also, it's toeing the line.

[Anonymous]

I had to look up who Ms. Rachel is (I don't have toddlers). Seems she mostly just dresses like a fairly normal person, albeit a little out of style? Overalls and t-shirts?

I'm not sure why that would make her a target. Perhaps I'm missing something, but I would let my kid dress however they want. If there are social consequences they will learn. You say she's not ND, which would change my response.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I had to look up who Ms. Rachel is (I don't have toddlers). Seems she mostly just dresses like a fairly normal person, albeit a little out of style? Overalls and t-shirts?

I'm not sure why that would make her a target. Perhaps I'm missing something, but I would let my kid dress however they want. If there are social consequences they will learn. You say she's not ND, which would change my response.

Pink shirt, overalls and a pink headband are her staple look.

It will most likely make her a target as past fashion choices have…

I do think I need to just let her naturally learn those lessons (whether justified or not).

[Anonymous]

I’m a little bit confused, OP, do you suspect that DD is on the spectrum?

I haven’t been in exactly your spot, but I can tell you how I have handled similar issues with my kids- times when I knew they were going to wear or just do something that would make them a target for bullying. I just explained why people would likely make fun of them, validated feelings about that not being right, and let them choose what to do. I approached it from a very neutral perspective on my part. These became good conversations about how to be yourself, when it’s worth it to you to do something unpopular, and that conforming to some norms you don’t like doesn’t mean you have to change who you are.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I’m a little bit confused, OP, do you suspect that DD is on the spectrum?

I haven’t been in exactly your spot, but I can tell you how I have handled similar issues with my kids- times when I knew they were going to wear or just do something that would make them a target for bullying. I just explained why people would likely make fun of them, validated feelings about that not being right, and let them choose what to do. I approached it from a very neutral perspective on my part. These became good conversations about how to be yourself, when it’s worth it to you to do something unpopular, and that conforming to some norms you don’t like doesn’t mean you have to change who you are.

I have, she was evaluated when she was 8 with no diagnosis. I am not sure if I agree.

[Anonymous]

*agree with the lack of diagnosis. I appreciate your feedback!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I had to look up who Ms. Rachel is (I don't have toddlers). Seems she mostly just dresses like a fairly normal person, albeit a little out of style? Overalls and t-shirts?

I'm not sure why that would make her a target. Perhaps I'm missing something, but I would let my kid dress however they want. If there are social consequences they will learn. You say she's not ND, which would change my response.

Of course dressing up as a children's tv star will make her a target - did you even go to middle school / high school? Teens will absolutely know she's not just wearing overalls, she's dressing up as a kid's tv personality.

Now, i still don't think mom should control her kid, but "kids won't notice! it's overalls!" is a wild response. Big kids know who Ms Rachel is - they babysit, they have little cousins and siblings, etc.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I had to look up who Ms. Rachel is (I don't have toddlers). Seems she mostly just dresses like a fairly normal person, albeit a little out of style? Overalls and t-shirts?

I'm not sure why that would make her a target. Perhaps I'm missing something, but I would let my kid dress however they want. If there are social consequences they will learn. You say she's not ND, which would change my response.

Pink shirt, overalls and a pink headband are her staple look.

It will most likely make her a target as past fashion choices have…

I do think I need to just let her naturally learn those lessons (whether justified or not).

A "target" for what?

[Anonymous]

She does seem like she's very mildly autistic. My very mildly autistic teen has her own style of dress and no one has ever said anything untoward. Please don't worry about your child's dress. Really, it's no big deal.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I had to look up who Ms. Rachel is (I don't have toddlers). Seems she mostly just dresses like a fairly normal person, albeit a little out of style? Overalls and t-shirts?

I'm not sure why that would make her a target. Perhaps I'm missing something, but I would let my kid dress however they want. If there are social consequences they will learn. You say she's not ND, which would change my response.

Of course dressing up as a children's tv star will make her a target - did you even go to middle school / high school? Teens will absolutely know she's not just wearing overalls, she's dressing up as a kid's tv personality.

Now, i still don't think mom should control her kid, but "kids won't notice! it's overalls!" is a wild response. Big kids know who Ms Rachel is - they babysit, they have little cousins and siblings, etc.

No idea why you're being such a b1tch, sounds like you were the one to make fun of someone. She's apparently for toddlers, maybe you and your kids are still watching that but my kids were not by elementary school, and would likely have no idea who she is supposed to be since she's on YouTube TV. Glad you all get loads of screen time.

[Anonymous]

Honestly, I think if she's neurotypical, you've got to let her figure this out herself. She'll either learn the lesson the hard way and tone it down OR she'll be really unpopular but have a better chance of finding "her people" who either thought it was funny or don't care.

Side note: I chose path B and really resented my mother for trying to help me "fit in." I was unpopular, but always had a few friends. Does she have a few friends? I wouldn't worry about most people as long as she has a few.

There is no role for you in this, I'm afraid. Middle school sucks, man.

If you do think she's crossing the line to being on the spectrum, then it may make sense to have her retested.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I had to look up who Ms. Rachel is (I don't have toddlers). Seems she mostly just dresses like a fairly normal person, albeit a little out of style? Overalls and t-shirts?

I'm not sure why that would make her a target. Perhaps I'm missing something, but I would let my kid dress however they want. If there are social consequences they will learn. You say she's not ND, which would change my response.

Pink shirt, overalls and a pink headband are her staple look.

It will most likely make her a target as past fashion choices have…

I do think I need to just let her naturally learn those lessons (whether justified or not).

That's the point--pink t shirt and overalls may be her staple look, but I have a hard time believing that kids pay so much attention to what others wear that they're immediately going to think about that. It's not as if she's dressing up like Ronald McDonald or Wonder Woman.

[Anonymous]

In an era where kids show up at school in pajamas I"m not sure how this would be an issue.

[Anonymous]

Is it a theme day for school?