Having kids with 6+ year age gap

[Anonymous]

We have three kids now (11,7,6). I’m 39 and considering a fourth for a year or so and now I obviously don’t have much more time to decide given my age. Curious to hear about folks who had another child after a significant age gap.

[Anonymous]

Don’t do it. My youngest is 6 yrs younger than middle child. It’s hard bc the older kids want to do older kid stuff and get very busy with sports and activities in middle and high school. Youngest has be taking along to all day tournaments, etc. or a parent stays home with them.

[Anonymous]

Families makes every gap work but you also want to set your expectations accordingly.

You will very likely have the 3, then 1 dynamic. The youngest won’t be able to do the same things the older ones can for many years and the 11 year old, especially, is entering a completely different stage of childhood.

There’s no right or wrong answer. But if you’re picturing four cohesive close siblings you may be disappointed. My mom has a larger gap with her youngest sibling and they’ve been close but that didn’t happen until late into adulthood. She was out of the house and just not around as he grew up.

[Anonymous]

My cousins have the same age gap with their youngest sibling. The last kid practically grew up as an only child, and only became close with the older ones when they were a young adult. That’s something to consider.
But they are all very happy and bonded now and the youngest is the fun uncle.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:My cousins have the same age gap with their youngest sibling. The last kid practically grew up as an only child, and only became close with the older ones when they were a young adult. That’s something to consider.
But they are all very happy and bonded now and the youngest is the fun uncle.

+1

The only child dynamic is a real thing

[Anonymous]

My FIL had a 15 year gap with his sibling and they are very close and relied on each other for elder care. Of course they didn’t get close until they were adults.

[Anonymous]

Do you have the time and money? Kids don't stop needing your time, despite what people say as teens.

[Anonymous]

There’s a 7 year gap in my family of origin, and it’s like two different families in a lot of ways.

When the youngest was born, we were: 15, 13, 11 & almost 4. My parents intentionally had the fifth because they didn’t want #4 to feel like an only child, which was wild to me! But now I get it. We very much segregate into the older kids and the younger kids.

I love my youngest brothers sooo much and am so grateful my parents were able to have a big family. But one last kid after a long gap is a tricky dynamic. I was off to college the same day my youngest brother started Pk. But he had his not that much older brother at home still.

The youngest two are still super close, talk almost everyday, etc, and as they get into their mid 20s+ the age gap feels smaller. I still struggle to see the youngest as an adult (he’s 25).

At 39, you probably aren’t thinking to have two more, and I wouldn’t throw one more kid into the mix.

But I’m also 40 and very happy with two and cannot imagine adding a third, so ymmv. I’m sitting here trying to figure out a non-awk way to ask my littlest bro (whose married and expressed wanting kids) if he wants me to hold onto the high chair, crib, stroller etc that I’m so very grateful to never need again for him.

[Anonymous]

Op, that is practically the age gap for me. I am the youngest. Do not let the age difference hold you back. I had a great experience growing up. I'll give facts, not really saying if good or bad, but as I said, I had a happy childhood. It mostly felt like I grew up as an only child. I have no memories of my two older brothers (11 and 9 years older than me) before they went off to college. I remember visiting them at college/law school. I stayed overnight in their dorm in college. It was a break from classes, so very few students were around. I'm sure I wasn't suppose to be there! that was part of the fun. I saw campus life, heard about college, and heard about young adult life decisions much earlier than my peers. When I was in 6th grade, the youngest of my brothers was in 12th grade. I was exposed to a lot of teen behavior early. I also think that helped me decide to avoid some of it. From 7th - 12th grade, I was the only "child" as home. Somewhat unrelated my parents needed to travel often so I happened to be on my own a lot. I was very self-reliant. In some ways I think "they were done" parenting. For you, I think this needs to be considered - it is a marathon. Parenting is a marathon. I turned out well I think, but I also take some pride in, I kind of raised myself.

Once I was in college, brothers were married and starting families, the age difference became less and less. It has taken awhile to be treated as a peer adult equal to them, for decisions that affect all of us. That may also, unfortunately, be a gender thing as the only female

[Anonymous]

It's not a matter of the age gap. It's just incredibly selfish and ridiculous -- and, frankly, borderline mentally ill -- to purposefully add a fourth kid when you're turning 40. I get that you're being whimsical about the babies growing up, but prolonging this stage of your life unnaturally isn't the answer.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Do you have the time and money? Kids don't stop needing your time, despite what people say as teens.

+1. How are you managing with the ones you’ve got? Like others have said, families make all sorts of age gaps work, this is more of a you question.

[Anonymous]

What's your spouse think?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:There’s a 7 year gap in my family of origin, and it’s like two different families in a lot of ways.

When the youngest was born, we were: 15, 13, 11 & almost 4. My parents intentionally had the fifth because they didn’t want #4 to feel like an only child, which was wild to me! But now I get it. We very much segregate into the older kids and the younger kids.

I love my youngest brothers sooo much and am so grateful my parents were able to have a big family. But one last kid after a long gap is a tricky dynamic. I was off to college the same day my youngest brother started Pk. But he had his not that much older brother at home still.

The youngest two are still super close, talk almost everyday, etc, and as they get into their mid 20s+ the age gap feels smaller. I still struggle to see the youngest as an adult (he’s 25).

At 39, you probably aren’t thinking to have two more, and I wouldn’t throw one more kid into the mix.

But I’m also 40 and very happy with two and cannot imagine adding a third, so ymmv. I’m sitting here trying to figure out a non-awk way to ask my littlest bro (whose married and expressed wanting kids) if he wants me to hold onto the high chair, crib, stroller etc that I’m so very grateful to never need again for him.

My family of origin has a similar story, but with a bigger gap. When my youngest sibling was born, we were 22, 19, 16, and 3. They also had the youngest so the 4th would not feel like an only child. Things worked out fine, but definitely two separate “litters” of children.

[Anonymous]

Our older kids were 9 and 7 when the youngest was born. It has been a great experience for us, though the youngest (now in HS) sometimes felt like he had 4 parents.

Our older two have loved spending time with him from the moment he came home and were really helpful with feeding and playing with him. Their friends were obsessed with him too—when I’d drive sports carpools when he was a baby and toddler, the kids we drove would play games with him and try to teach him new words. He’s turned out to be a really confident kid, and I wonder if that’s in part because he has always been the object of so much adoration.

[Anonymous]

My siblings are 3, almost 5, 7, 9, 11, and 12 years older, and I was closest growing up to 9 and 12 year older siblings. I don’t think an age gap should stop you from having a 4th.