Question from a "Seasoned Nanny"

[Anonymous]

As someone who has worked as a nanny with many families over several years, I’ve often wondered this:
Do parents actually want honest feedback when their child consistently struggles with empathy, impulse control, or age-appropriate reasoning, or is silence generally preferred?
I know this can sound harsh on paper, but in practice, these patterns show up in very specific, everyday situations, and the wording often feels stronger than the reality in context.

For example, I’ve worked with a child who laughed when another child got hurt and showed no curiosity or concern, even after it was explained.
In another case, a child repeatedly blamed others for situations they clearly caused and seemed unable to reason through why that affected friendships.

[Anonymous]

I think it depends on what their preference is for feedback in general and what routines you have in place.

Do you regularly sit down and provide feedback on how your charge is doing developmentally, positive and negative? Then yeah, this could be part of that.

If it’s out of left field and the only thing you’ve commented on - no.

[Anonymous]

I would, but only if I thought you had a good perspective on it. A few years of experience isn't that big a deal. I would care more what a child psychologist said.

For example, personally I think laughing inappropriately when someone is hurt is what children do to conceal their embarrassment, and it isn't necessarily a major concern all by itself. And not all children are verbal enough to really grasp a wordy explanation. Some are, depending on age, some aren't. It's bad and we should try to help the kids outgrow it but I don't think it indicates any serious psychological or developmental problem.

[Anonymous]

Im not sure what these responses are. What you describe is a clear character defect that needs to be addressed, and it doesn’t take a rocket scientist to notice. This is how you avoid school schoolers, OP. Do your part.

[Anonymous]

I’d be interested in factual descriptions of observations, delivered in real time (e.g.-“Larlo did X today when we were at activity.”). I would not be super interested in unsolicited analysis/speculation/conclusions about the nanny’s observations.

I have historically at times asked our nanny for her thoughts on things. I wouldn’t welcome completely unsolicited analysis/conclusions for lots of reasons. One reason though is I’ve found Nannie’s aren’t always awesome at nuance and complexity and want simple solutions and answers. And most of the time those conclusions are “it’s the mom’s fault” and I don’t want to hear that from a person I am paying.

[Anonymous]

One PP highlights the actual problem: they think these symptoms are character defects. Parents so easily can interpret your comments as a criticism of their parenting, or their child's character.

You need to communicate, if you communicate at all, that these are red flags for issues that a psychologist could unravel: in one easy word, autism. But also maybe anxiety, ADHD, or more serious profiles such as sociopathy (and there are an entire category of illnesses that manifest starting in adolescence, such as schizophrenia or bipolar disorder, but not in younger children).

You are facing the same problems as teachers: you are an expert in some aspects of childhood development, but not a psychologist or psychiatrist. And so it's difficult to verbalize *which* disorder might be rearing its head, and it's difficult to even hint there is a disorder - because the parent might counter, what do you know?

But sometimes... you really have to, for the child's sake. You can start by asking if other adults around this child have voiced concerns, such as teachers or coaches or relatives. You can then factually describe, in a neutral tone, the facts you've witnessed. It's tricky to go further unless you think the child is really out of the range of normal behavior, has a developmental delay, is not meeting milestones, or is a danger to themselves or others, including animals.

[Anonymous]

In general I'd want to know.

How I'd receive it depends how and when the comments are delivered and our overall relationship. If it's said like a tattle tale or like it's blaming me, I'd be annoyed. If it's said like, "hey I noticed this, do you have advice on things we could be working on during our time together?" I would be more likely to appreciate your intent.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:One PP highlights the actual problem: they think these symptoms are character defects. Parents so easily can interpret your comments as a criticism of their parenting, or their child's character.

You need to communicate, if you communicate at all, that these are red flags for issues that a psychologist could unravel: in one easy word, autism. But also maybe anxiety, ADHD, or more serious profiles such as sociopathy (and there are an entire category of illnesses that manifest starting in adolescence, such as schizophrenia or bipolar disorder, but not in younger children).

You are facing the same problems as teachers: you are an expert in some aspects of childhood development, but not a psychologist or psychiatrist. And so it's difficult to verbalize *which* disorder might be rearing its head, and it's difficult to even hint there is a disorder - because the parent might counter, what do you know?

But sometimes... you really have to, for the child's sake. You can start by asking if other adults around this child have voiced concerns, such as teachers or coaches or relatives. You can then factually describe, in a neutral tone, the facts you've witnessed. It's tricky to go further unless you think the child is really out of the range of normal behavior, has a developmental delay, is not meeting milestones, or is a danger to themselves or others, including animals.

I truly have no idea what these 5k words are trying to say, but from the first paragraph: if you don’t believe that literally every single human has character defects they should indeed strive to work on, your worldview is fundamentally anti-American and you should take a basic civics class.

[Anonymous]

Op, you might as well tell them that their kid has ASD/ADHD. That's what you just described.
Any parent would know it already. Others don't want to know.

[Anonymous]

No, i wouldn’t bring it up. You aren’t qualified to diagnose or analyse anything. The parents are likely aware. When this happens on your watch- handle it in the most beneficial way you can to teach the child. But I don’t think mentioning it the parents it particularly helpful. They aren’t going to run their 3 yr old to the psychiatrist because the kid laughed when someone got hurt.

[Anonymous]

If you share, I would state factually what happened. No interpretation or assignment of the cause.

Probably most parents don’t want you to say anything.

If it continues, I would state to them very factually what happened.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:One PP highlights the actual problem: they think these symptoms are character defects. Parents so easily can interpret your comments as a criticism of their parenting, or their child's character.

You need to communicate, if you communicate at all, that these are red flags for issues that a psychologist could unravel: in one easy word, autism. But also maybe anxiety, ADHD, or more serious profiles such as sociopathy (and there are an entire category of illnesses that manifest starting in adolescence, such as schizophrenia or bipolar disorder, but not in younger children).

You are facing the same problems as teachers: you are an expert in some aspects of childhood development, but not a psychologist or psychiatrist. And so it's difficult to verbalize *which* disorder might be rearing its head, and it's difficult to even hint there is a disorder - because the parent might counter, what do you know?

But sometimes... you really have to, for the child's sake. You can start by asking if other adults around this child have voiced concerns, such as teachers or coaches or relatives. You can then factually describe, in a neutral tone, the facts you've witnessed. It's tricky to go further unless you think the child is really out of the range of normal behavior, has a developmental delay, is not meeting milestones, or is a danger to themselves or others, including animals.

I truly have no idea what these 5k words are trying to say, but from the first paragraph: if you don’t believe that literally every single human has character defects they should indeed strive to work on, your worldview is fundamentally anti-American and you should take a basic civics class.

Oh, a rah-rah nationalist xenophobe who thinks mental illness is a character flaw and things can be solved by civics classes.

And they can't read.

Tracks.

[Anonymous]

i dont want an opinion of an uneducated nanny but thank you

[Anonymous]

Great. So kid is a sociopath and nanny just stifles. Nanny, get a new job.

[Anonymous]

Having had Nannies for 16 years, in my experience the vast majority of them are very quick to provide all their feedback including what they learned in their child psychology class in college. Since my kid has profound special Needs, they love to ask me if “I’ve ever heard of ABA [or insert their therapy of choice].” Meanwhile,I know I spent 150k on ABA to no avail and the idea I’ve never heard of this is freaking ridiculous.

If they want to tell me something specific, like “your kid hasn’t pooped in three days” or “she seemed really fussy today”, then great. If the want to insert their own diagnosis or therapy recommendation, I’m not even listening.

To be clear I have a teen who is cognitively 9 months old and she has zero ability to become a sociopath — although she exhibits no empathy since, you know, she is like a 9 month old.