Mom holding a grudge against me

[Anonymous]

DD8 has a good friend and they were not getting along in the beginning of the school year. The other girl stopped talking to my child and started excluding her. The school has counselors to help navigate social situations. The school counselor must have said something to their teacher and teacher said something to child. The other mom reached out to both the school and me. I declined the meeting and said to the other mom that this is not a big deal and hope girls can work it out themselves.

Fast forward a few months and the girls are better friends than ever. We had a recent birthday party and that girl was the only one who didn’t come. The girl told my daughter she really wanted to come but her mom holds grudges. The mom seems to have a grudge against me.

How would you handle? Is it worth even reaching out?

I was never friends with mom. We have carpooled to play dates and parties previously.

[Anonymous]

What was the fight about?

[Anonymous]

I wouldn't do anything now, as you didn't do anything "wrong." Though if I saw her at an event, I'd make sure to say hello and ask how she's doing.

But I will say, if another parent wanted to talk to me about something, I would always agree to do so. What matters to me isn't what matters to other people. What might be a minimal problem to my kid might be really upsetting another kid. Maybe there's more to it than you were aware. Who knows? But I would always hear out another parent if they requested to talk, with or without school involvement. I may not be willing to take action based on that conversation (in this case, as presented, I'd agree with you that parental action wasn't warranted) but I'd always be willing to hear someone out.

If you were just really busy and she wanted a formal meeting at the school, you could have offered to talk on the phone with the other parent one evening.

But to just "decline" to discuss it... that's kind of a bummer. Next time something like this happens, hear the person out!

[Anonymous]

Wow, I would never not talk to another parent. I even had a discussion with the mom of a boy who hit my girl and twisted her wrist so hard that she had a sprain. We did talk and she did apologize and share information about his special needs, and I was able to say we wished him well and she would be cordial to him but that there would be no play dates or socializing, which she asked for.

I would literally never turn down the opportunity to talk to another parent.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:DD8 has a good friend and they were not getting along in the beginning of the school year. The other girl stopped talking to my child and started excluding her. The school has counselors to help navigate social situations. The school counselor must have said something to their teacher and teacher said something to child. The other mom reached out to both the school and me. I declined the meeting and said to the other mom that this is not a big deal and hope girls can work it out themselves.

Fast forward a few months and the girls are better friends than ever. We had a recent birthday party and that girl was the only one who didn’t come. The girl told my daughter she really wanted to come but her mom holds grudges. The mom seems to have a grudge against me.

How would you handle? Is it worth even reaching out?

I was never friends with mom. We have carpooled to play dates and parties previously.

Why would you reach out now? You declined before and that set the tone. I’m not saying the mom is right, but you chose your course of action. Also, this may have nothing to do with your choice. She may just view their relationship as toxic and not want to encourage it. I guess you’ll never know. You chose to let girls to work out everything themselves- stay the course.

[Anonymous]

Totally agree with PPs. By declining to discuss it, you sent the message that you aren't interested in this family. It's also possible, likely even, that the other parent had information on what was going on between the girls that she felt it would be good to talk about. All your info is second hand from one source. Your daughter might not even understand the full context.

I would actually reach out now, to the mom directly. I would explain you made a mistake in not meeting with her in the fall and you hope to correct it now, either meeting 1:1 or with the school counselor if she prefers. If she declines, at least you tried.

And perhaps you learned that in the future, if a parent reaches out to discuss something, you should at least be willing to talk to them about it.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Totally agree with PPs. By declining to discuss it, you sent the message that you aren't interested in this family. It's also possible, likely even, that the other parent had information on what was going on between the girls that she felt it would be good to talk about. All your info is second hand from one source. Your daughter might not even understand the full context.

I would actually reach out now, to the mom directly. I would explain you made a mistake in not meeting with her in the fall and you hope to correct it now, either meeting 1:1 or with the school counselor if she prefers. If she declines, at least you tried.

And perhaps you learned that in the future, if a parent reaches out to discuss something, you should at least be willing to talk to them about it.

+1

While I generally take the approach that the kids need to work it out themselves, I wouldn't decline to talk to another parent. And I have discussed an issue with another parent on her request. Both our girls were acting like jerks - it was age appropriate jerky behavior, but still jerky behavior.

It's likely that both your kids were contributing to whatever drama was going on (it's rare that it's one sided bad behavior, usually it's the result of misunderstandings between kids because they are kids and don't know how to communicate).

Again, I'm not the parent who would reaching out to another parent on a specific issue - even though I've been tempted - mostly because the parents in question wouldn't actually think their kids did anything wrong, so what's the point.

Since you've refused to work with her to help your girls work thru their friendship issues, she doesn't want her daughter to have to deal with your kid.

[Anonymous]

youre a lazy pig for declining the discussion. FULL STOP

[Anonymous]

I think saying “hey let’s let the girls work this out” IS a response. But I have been burned by a similar mom before. Sucks for her daughter, honestly, usually moms like that end up burning a lot of bridges. There’s no reason to decline an invitation over feeling miffed that someone didn’t want to talk especially when it all worked out.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I think saying “hey let’s let the girls work this out” IS a response. But I have been burned by a similar mom before. Sucks for her daughter, honestly, usually moms like that end up burning a lot of bridges. There’s no reason to decline an invitation over feeling miffed that someone didn’t want to talk especially when it all worked out.

To be clear I would probably have either asked the school if there was something I needed to know or gone to listen but in general I do think it’s valid to just have the girls work it out on their own unless the SCHOOL is calling the meeting because the issue is that significant.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Totally agree with PPs. By declining to discuss it, you sent the message that you aren't interested in this family. It's also possible, likely even, that the other parent had information on what was going on between the girls that she felt it would be good to talk about. All your info is second hand from one source. Your daughter might not even understand the full context.

I would actually reach out now, to the mom directly. I would explain you made a mistake in not meeting with her in the fall and you hope to correct it now, either meeting 1:1 or with the school counselor if she prefers. If she declines, at least you tried.

And perhaps you learned that in the future, if a parent reaches out to discuss something, you should at least be willing to talk to them about it.

Op here. I declined to have a meeting with the school. I had 2 conversations with parents, including one with the father. The father called and went to the school. The teacher called me after the father went to the school as did the school counselor. Even their teacher told me she was surprised the family requested a school meeting.

I told the mom that they were making a small event bigger than it needs to be. I did not log a complaint against their kid. My kid was upset and crying at school so teacher asked what was wrong.

[Anonymous]

Op again. We both have older kids. They have a teenage daughter and I have a teenage son. The dad even said girls can have a fallout and then be friends again, which I agreed. That was why I was surprised he went to the school.

I believe the girl was accused of being a bully last year. I was the one trying to deescalate the situation. I had my daughter focus on other friends. Then they all played together again and friends again. When my daughter was having play dates with other kids, the girl may have felt left out.

For people who have a teenage daughter, they seem really sensitive about this.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:youre a lazy pig for declining the discussion. FULL STOP

I had two phone conversations with the parents, two conversations with their teacher and one with their school counselor. I declined an in person meeting because I didn’t think it was necessary.

[Anonymous]

OP version 1 of story:

"The school counselor must have said something to their teacher and teacher said something to child. The other mom reached out to both the school and me. I declined the meeting and said to the other mom that this is not a big deal and hope girls can work it out themselves."

Op version 2 of story:

"I declined to have a meeting with the school. I had 2 conversations with parents, including one with the father. The father called and went to the school. The teacher called me after the father went to the school as did the school counselor. Even their teacher told me she was surprised the family requested a school meeting. I told the mom that they were making a small event bigger than it needs to be. I did not log a complaint against their kid."

OP this is inconsistent and leads me to believe you are not telling the full story OR that you are a bad communicator generally which has contributed to this issue.

Also now I am wondering what the underlying issue is. I am now thinking of a situation with one of my kids that was originally described as excluding behavior but turned out to be something more complicated. I actually did still land on "let's see if the kids can work this out on their own" and in the end it did work out and was a growth experience for my child for sure and hopefully for the other child as well. But it was very useful as a parent to have gotten the full story from my kid, the other parents, AND the school because everyone had different information and sharing that info helped everyone better understand what was happening and support both kids through the situation.

[Anonymous]

OP,

If you feel they're unreasonable, why would you even care that this child did not attend? Why is it bothering you so much? Do not engage with crazy parents. Your girls can play at school.