Explaining death
![[Post New]](/jforum/templates/default/images/icon_minipost_new.gif){kind=icon}
Anonymous
| At what age did you first talk about death with your kids? How did the topic come up? How did you explain it? |
Anonymous
|
DH’s Dad died when DS was in first grade. DH was a bone narrow donor for his Dad so we travelled to the hospital for that surgery when DS was in K. We started discussing that Grandpa was really sick and that Dad was going to try and help Grandpa get better but it might not work. We tried to facetime regularly for time with Grandpa and so that DS saw Grandpa as he was changing and not be surprised when he saw Grandpa in person.
We answered questions as they were asked and tried to give what we thought were appropriate explanations for his age. We are not a religious family so that was not a part of our conversation. |
Anonymous
| Read Tuck Everlasting and watch Forest Gump. |
Anonymous
|
When our daughter was 6, her step-grandpa died. To her, he was Grandpa. Tours, he was step, so that made it a little easier.
I got books about loss of a grandparent. I held her and told her. She crumpled. Her concern was for her grandma. Today, I would look it up online. This was a case where he was not I’ll long. Then, I might have looked it up online and started earlier. We were United in not having her attend the funeral at that age. |
Anonymous
|
Oh gosh, we had to deal with this way earlier than expected. Our beloved nanny died (somewhat suddenly - very fast acting cancer) when our kids were 1.5 and 3. The little one was totally out of the loop, but the 3 year old definitely understood. It was a big change for him.
The biggest advice we got, was NOT to use euphemisms, and if someone dies because they're sick, be VERY careful to explain that it's a very different kind of sick from when they get sick. So not: "Larla passed away. She got very sick, and now she's at rest. We're so sorry that we've lost her." But rather: "Larla died. That means that her body stopped working. She is gone forever - we will never see her again, and she will never move or talk or laugh or think again. What made her her is gone. She was very very sick - not the way that you guys or mommy or daddy get sick - a very different kind of sick called cancer, that her body couldn't fix." He handled it in stride, though struggled with the change in routine. Then we had a string of older relatives that my kids were not close to (they had met them once or twice) die when the kids were about 3 and 4.5. That actually was, oddly, I think a "good" experience for them. They could understand "Grandpa is really sad because his sister died" and we went over the basics of death for my younger the way we had with the older when the nanny died. But THEY weren't actually really sad or impacted as they barely knew these people. We did go to the funerals (I think it was three in one summer) and I think that was a really, really good choice. They had a ton of practical questions (cremation, caskets, funerals, grave yards, headstones, etc - lots of new vocabulary!), were old enough to behave, and the older generation LOVED having them there. In fact, when we were thinking of skipping out on the second part of the service for one of them for nap time, the widower (my uncle) asked us to please come, so we skipped nap and went. They were a bit of hope and sunshine for the sad older folks. Death is a part of life. Showing kids that it's sad is important, but teaching them that funerals are too scary and need to be avoided isn't healthy. One of the funerals was open casket - I think that actually helped, too. One of the kids (4.5) had a lot of questions about the body, but didn't want to get close, and of course that was fine. The other (3), wanted to see it, and did get close, but then moved on pretty quickly. But the thing about an open casket is - it's very concrete. "That body is not a living person anymore" is VERY obvious. We were on the fence about taking them (the open casket one was the first of the three), decided to, and were so, so glad we did. |
Anonymous
| Quite early (two very close family members died, and then a cat). I followed the advice of saying it as it is, and it felt right. |
Anonymous
|
My dad died when DS was 7 and he had a pretty decent concept of death by then. I don't even know when we started talking about it with him. Like another PP, we were pretty clear about it. We wanted DS to have a good understanding of death and what happens.
Oddly enough, DS was super into Greek Mythology at that point and thought that my dad was probably up in the sky with the Gods. We aren't religious, but I imagine if you and your kids have any beliefs about what happens after death, it makes it easier. |
Anonymous
| Great thread. Has anyone had the experience of a little one being told a more fantastical story early on, by a close family member, and then needing to set the record straight? For context this has been going on since probably age 2 and kid will be 3.5 soon. We didn't want to make it seem like so-and-so was lying to them, so put it off. They adore and trust this person. But we don't feel right brushing it off much longer. |
Anonymous
| Just watch a Disney movie! IF you're lucky enough to not have passed away grandparents. Parents always seem to pass away in Disney movies. Frozen started it for us. |
Anonymous
| We talked about it in relation to animals very earky, like toddler age, because when you're outside with kids you are always finding dead worms and so on. It gives them context for later discussion. |
Anonymous
What is the story? You can explain that people deal with other people dying in different ways but that death is always what happens after the body stops working. The heart no longer pumps blood and the brain doesnt receive sensation. Explain it by saying what do you feel when I drag my finger on your arm? Tickles? Soft? Happiness? When someone dies, they dont feel that anymore because their brain stops feeling. This also means they cant feel pain anymore. Once your body stops working and you die, you cannot come back to life again. Grief is the way that people who miss the person who died deal with their sadness or even sometimes anger or confusion. The story you were told by so and so is how they choose to deal with grief. |
Anonymous
| Our dog died when DD was 4. She kept asking when she would return, and we told her that she was gone but would be watching over us from above. DD was persistent though. One day she dragged my DH to the ladder in the garage and ordered him to climb into the sky and bring Luna back from the clouds. |
Anonymous
|
In my sad and recent experience, little kids can handle this information. It's harder for adults than kids. Like other posters have said: Simple, clear, and direct.
As far as the kids being gold other stories by other people, my approach was to say that people have different beliefs about what happens after death. You can tell the kid what you believe too. When they stop asking questions, stop providing information. If they ask a question you don't know the answer to, you can tell them that. Sorry you are dealing with this. |
Anonymous
My child was told in her daycare that her grandma is now in heaven. I told her that no one experienced what happens after, it’s a big mystery, and different people have different thoughts and beliefs on the matter. |
Anonymous
Similar, but with plants and cut flowers. It was then easy to explain that people die because the word already had meaning and familiarity. |