Can financial responsibility and planning be learned?

[Anonymous]

My boyfriend and I have been together for almost 3 years. We are both divorced and in our 40s.

After moving in together I found out he had not saved for retirement. He has started, is maxing out his accounts but he is far behind me and will have to work into his 60s. I have more from my divorce but wish for it to go to the kids.

He was in a physically demanding job and I suggested he make a plan to transition once his body started aging. He got a new certification and is working on his side hustle. He needs new equipment for the side hustle and this past weekend asked to borrow some from me, which I had offered previously.

However, last month we had just planned a big summer vacation, which is now largely paid for. I am annoyed because if I knew his large purchase was coming up, I would’ve suggested a closer and less expensive summer vacation.

His lack of planning is making me really annoyed. He basically will do things if I tell him to, and lives frugally and within his means. But he doesn’t have the capacity to plan ahead and think of these things on his own.

He helps out as a life partner in every other way, is very kind, my kids adore him. This is the only area I get stressed about. What can I do?

[Anonymous]

His lack of planning is making me really annoyed. He basically will do things if I tell him to, and lives frugally and within his means. But he doesn’t have the capacity to plan ahead and think of these things on his own.

I think you can work with that. Can you guys do monthly financial check ins to discuss spending, upcoming expenses, budget, etc? It seems like he's not completely irresponsible. He just doesn't think like you do.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

His lack of planning is making me really annoyed. He basically will do things if I tell him to, and lives frugally and within his means. But he doesn’t have the capacity to plan ahead and think of these things on his own.

I think you can work with that. Can you guys do monthly financial check ins to discuss spending, upcoming expenses, budget, etc? It seems like he's not completely irresponsible. He just doesn't think like you do.

Thank you. I’m afraid of igniting the “don’t dead til you’re almost dead”. He is ideal in every other way, he does so much around the house without asking. It’s heaven in terms of how we interact with each other and our home is peaceful and cozy. It’s so nice compared to my ex and I.

I guess I just need some reassurance that this is within the realm of “workable.”

[Anonymous]

It looks like he has some ADHD or other limitations that makes long-term planning impossible. He cannot overcome a disability. Either you take over all the finances, or you ditch him.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

His lack of planning is making me really annoyed. He basically will do things if I tell him to, and lives frugally and within his means. But he doesn’t have the capacity to plan ahead and think of these things on his own.

I think you can work with that. Can you guys do monthly financial check ins to discuss spending, upcoming expenses, budget, etc? It seems like he's not completely irresponsible. He just doesn't think like you do.

Thank you. I’m afraid of igniting the “don’t dead til you’re almost dead”. He is ideal in every other way, he does so much around the house without asking. It’s heaven in terms of how we interact with each other and our home is peaceful and cozy. It’s so nice compared to my ex and I.

I guess I just need some reassurance that this is within the realm of “workable.”

I think it can work if he'll be honest and you're willing to shoulder the mental load here. What would be unworkable would be to expect him to think "if I need to borrow money for X I need to proportionally reduce the budget for Y because Y is discretionary spending and X is needed to boost my return on investment." If you both are open to you essentially doing that thinking for him and asking a lot of questions, that may lead to clunky conversations but feels doable. And you would need to respect his decisions are still his to make. I think you may be a bit of an oversaver, as I am, since you say he'll have to work into his 60s as if that's atypical. It will be tough of you judge him on your standards.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:It looks like he has some ADHD or other limitations that makes long-term planning impossible. He cannot overcome a disability. Either you take over all the finances, or you ditch him.

+100

[Anonymous]

A proactive, smart man with no kids would not be with a divorced woman with kids. You got the best available to you so work with what you have. I am a woma fwiw before you all start calling me an incel.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:It looks like he has some ADHD or other limitations that makes long-term planning impossible. He cannot overcome a disability. Either you take over all the finances, or you ditch him.

He is just a simple man doing a physical job. Idk why OP is expecting him to be a Wall Street level financial analyst

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:It looks like he has some ADHD or other limitations that makes long-term planning impossible. He cannot overcome a disability. Either you take over all the finances, or you ditch him.

He is just a simple man doing a physical job. Idk why OP is expecting him to be a Wall Street level financial analyst

I'm impressed that he was able to go from not saving for retirement at all to maxing everything!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

His lack of planning is making me really annoyed. He basically will do things if I tell him to, and lives frugally and within his means. But he doesn’t have the capacity to plan ahead and think of these things on his own.

I think you can work with that. Can you guys do monthly financial check ins to discuss spending, upcoming expenses, budget, etc? It seems like he's not completely irresponsible. He just doesn't think like you do.

Thank you. I’m afraid of igniting the “don’t date til you’re almost dead”. He is ideal in every other way, he does so much around the house without asking. It’s heaven in terms of how we interact with each other and our home is peaceful and cozy. It’s so nice compared to my ex and I.

I guess I just need some reassurance that this is within the realm of “workable.”

OP here. Sorry I corrected that sentence. Yes I could date someone more financially responsible (like my exhusband) but no guarantee he’d be a kind, helpful, supportive partner. But I also don’t think I have the bandwidth to carry the mental load for him.

[Anonymous]

It’s fine. Just don’t marry him.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:It’s fine. Just don’t marry him.

+1

[Anonymous]

Of course it can be learned, but like any good habits there needs to be motivation and discipline to keep him on top of it.

If he doesnt really care about financial planning, then he won't proactively think about making good decisions around it.

But if you guide him and he doesn't resist your efforts, thats at least a start.

[Anonymous]

How much money does he want to borrow? Can you afford to loose this money? If you decide to lend it, get a contract and a payment plan before you loan any money. Hoping an attorney chimes in here.

[Anonymous]

I would not marry him or live together.