Do Gay kids have a harder time making friends?

[Anonymous]

I am not trying to be obtuse here but I’m 50 and life was very different for us oldies back in the 80s/90s. My DS has always had trouble making friends and we chalked this up to ADHD and fairly typical lack of social awareness and reading social cues. This year, as a 7th grader, he has become very vocal about being gay (he’s been saying this since 3rd grade but this year he is very open about his sexuality to classmates). Could this be part of why he’s having trouble making friends? As much as kids are open, and I know he’s not being bullied, should I explain to him that he should tone it down so that it’s not seen as awkward or that he’s making it his whole personality? Or would you leave this alone for him to figure out? My memories of MS and what kids were like are from a different universe.

I am not a troll (everytime I post, someone insists I’m a troll). I’m just not sure what is and isn’t acceptable to kids now and I want to be able to help my son (and I’m pretty sure he gets his ADHD from me so maybe my posts come off as weird)

Anyway, TIA.

[Anonymous]

Probably depends on the school. We've known gay and trans kids since ES and they were liked by the other kids in their grade. It's probably not about the gay and more about the not reading social cues. He probably doesn't need to be so vocal about his orientation, but they probably do have some sort of lgbtq club that he could join if he wants to meet other gay kids and allies.

[Anonymous]

He needs to understand that his sexuality is part of his story. It doesnt define who he is.
My DD is adopted and we are 2 moms. It’s part of her story but doesnt define her.

[Anonymous]

Another Troll

[Anonymous]

My second kid is in an MCPS high school, and she has found herself a lunch bunch of what she calls "neurospicy" kids. Some of them are straight, some of them are gender fluid and go by chosen names rather than given names. They're very accepting of all identities. There are satellite kids who aren't usually part of the group but who have friends in the group, who drop in every now and then, or pull others into their activities.

I am happy my kid has found her people, because my older kid is more classically autistic and is asocial with no friends, even in college. Sigh. However, my daughter had only her childhood friend to lean on in her middle school years. Middle school is very challenging socially - every kid is trying to find themselves! So stay hopeful, OP. Things will turn around.

[Anonymous]

I think Middle School is hard socially for everyone, and lots of kids have a hard time finding their people. I think in general, it is great advice to any person to not make who they are sexually attracted to any part of their public personality. I think he will be fine as long as he is open and kind. There are gay kids who are "cool" and gay kids that are not. If he is really needing to bond with more kids, consider theatre. Cast or crew.

[Anonymous]

Not IME, but kids on the spectrum do.

[Anonymous]

I think it depends on the school and community environment. My bi dd in HS has lots of friends who are various shades of the 🏳️‍🌈 rainbow.

[Anonymous]

You say he’s always had difficulty making friends, and the lack of social awareness, not picking up on social cues, makes one consider autism spectrum. Another common thing is focusing on one thing and talking about it endlessly.

I have an adult son who was diagnosed with Aspbergers, when that was a diagnosis. And he’s very much like what you describe.

So the being gay isn’t the problem with making and keeping friends, it just could be what he’s super-focused on right now and not picking up that no one wants to hear about one topic constantly.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I am not trying to be obtuse here but I’m 50 and life was very different for us oldies back in the 80s/90s. My DS has always had trouble making friends and we chalked this up to ADHD and fairly typical lack of social awareness and reading social cues. This year, as a 7th grader, he has become very vocal about being gay (he’s been saying this since 3rd grade but this year he is very open about his sexuality to classmates). Could this be part of why he’s having trouble making friends? As much as kids are open, and I know he’s not being bullied, should I explain to him that he should tone it down so that it’s not seen as awkward or that he’s making it his whole personality? Or would you leave this alone for him to figure out? My memories of MS and what kids were like are from a different universe.

I am not a troll (everytime I post, someone insists I’m a troll). I’m just not sure what is and isn’t acceptable to kids now and I want to be able to help my son (and I’m pretty sure he gets his ADHD from me so maybe my posts come off as weird)

Anyway, TIA.

Do you live in a progressive, liberal area? If so, then the friend thing is probably more due to "lack of social awareness and reading social cues" than being gay.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:You say he’s always had difficulty making friends, and the lack of social awareness, not picking up on social cues, makes one consider autism spectrum. Another common thing is focusing on one thing and talking about it endlessly.

I have an adult son who was diagnosed with Aspbergers, when that was a diagnosis. And he’s very much like what you describe.

So the being gay isn’t the problem with making and keeping friends, it just could be what he’s super-focused on right now and not picking up that no one wants to hear about one topic constantly.

Correct. Also, it's now becoming well-known that the kids with different gender identities than their birth gender are more likely to be on the autism spectrum than others. I think it's because they seek out meaning and do not feel bound by social expectations in the same way as neurotypical children. But perhaps in the future we will actually find genes that associate an autism spectrum disorder with propensity for gender morphism.

[Anonymous]

OP here - thank you for your kind and thoughtful responses. I agree after reading these that sexual orientation is not a bar and that this is most likely his general lack of social awareness. I am going to talk with him about how much he talks about this and whether he leads with this as the main part of his personality. I suspected that this was maybe weird for other kids to hear this way vs it just being part of who he is.

[Anonymous]

It depends on the kid. At DD’s school, the homecoming court every year has at least one gay kid who is super popular, center of things etc etc. There are multiple other kids like that. At the same school, other kids are made fun of because they are gay. Not saying it’s ok but it is how it is. I think the more social, extroverted kids do well. The more awkward kids have a harder time. That’s true with an awkward kids generally but maybe this adds one more thing they’re awkward about. It does get better!

Anyway, middle school is rough. I bet high school will at least be marginally better, if not much much better.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP here - thank you for your kind and thoughtful responses. I agree after reading these that sexual orientation is not a bar and that this is most likely his general lack of social awareness. I am going to talk with him about how much he talks about this and whether he leads with this as the main part of his personality. I suspected that this was maybe weird for other kids to hear this way vs it just being part of who he is.

You should look into social skills classes for teens because it’s likely he will just replace talking about being gay all the time with something else if he doesn’t have the tools for social engagement

[Anonymous]

It's likely more his presentation than his orientation. I wouldn't care if a friend/coworker/aquantince was gay or not but I would care if they made it all about them. If he is unable to read the room kids are probably rolling their eyes because he keeps talking about himself, not actually because he is gay.