Concerned about DD

[Anonymous]

There’s no easy way to say it. I am worried about DD 15. She has friends, does fantastic in school, hobbies, all that stuff. But she strikes me, and others, as being a little..funny and I’m scared it will make her a target for bullies.

I’ll be more explicit. She is a shy, nerdish girl. Not a bad thing! I was a nerd too, nerds rock! Nerd power. Wooo! But she goes to an all girls school (as a freshman) which I understand has kind of a “mean girl” problem, and there have been stories of girls who were teased so roughly that they had to switch schools. One even had to attend a mental hospital. I’m really worried about my daughter becoming a target and being harmed in this way. I don’t want to encourage my daughter to not be her true self, but I also want to avoid bullying if possible. What to do?

[Anonymous]

Why did you send her to that school if you knew it was an issue? Regardless, don’t go looking for problems. If she has friends and is doing well currently, just let her be herself.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Why did you send her to that school if you knew it was an issue? Regardless, don’t go looking for problems. If she has friends and is doing well currently, just let her be herself.

OP here, we didn’t learn that this was an issue until a few months ago, and I wouldn’t learn the extent of it all until earlier this week. It caught me quite off my guard! But yes I am leaning towards the tactic of letting her “be herself”.

[Anonymous]

Maybe see a therapist for your anxiety? Not to be glib, I do so myself!

It sounds like she's doing fine, given what you wrote.

Is there something beneath the surface bothering you? Do you think she's acting fine but maybe already is having trouble and not sharing it? It are you mostly worried about "what if"?

One actionable things you can do, short of removing her from an environment that sounds potentially toxic but maybe is just fine, is to make sure she has opportunities to develop friendships outside the school.

[Anonymous]

She is 15 and seems to be doing fine and has made friends. She is almost through freshman year. Sounds like there is nothing to worry about. If no one has been bullying her, it’s unlikely to start at this point. This is more a younger teen problem

[Anonymous]

Are you from the US?

[Anonymous]

Sounds like you're borrowing trouble, honestly.

[Anonymous]

Well, you should never have picked this school. But if she is happy, let it go. If she ends up being bullied, pull her out IMMEDIATELY if she wants to switch.

None of this “wait until next year” or “the public school isn’t good enough nonsense.” You know this school isn’t going to help if there is a problem.

[Anonymous]

Keep her involved in a variety of activities, especially ones with kids not at her school. I read that the happiest have three circles of friends eg-school kids, soccer team friends and neighborhood kids (if they different fr school).

[Anonymous]

You worrying about a problem that hasn't even happened will create more anxiety for her than anything else.

[Anonymous]

This is the age where you stop micromanaging your child and let her live her life and choose how she wants to behave.

I think a lot of the time the girls who are bullied are those who are trying to hard to please, not the quirky girls who don't really care about social dynamics too much. (Speaking from experience, as my DD could care less how weird she is.)

[Anonymous]

I would make some back up plans to send her to a local public or larger private if she doesn't fit in well OP. She doesn't need to change, the school may need to change.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:This is the age where you stop micromanaging your child and let her live her life and choose how she wants to behave.

I think a lot of the time the girls who are bullied are those who are trying to hard to please, not the quirky girls who don't really care about social dynamics too much. (Speaking from experience, as my DD could care less how weird she is.)

NP. I find this to be true also with my DD, who is also extremely weird and quirky and doesn't care what people think of her.

[Anonymous]

Well, if she is doing well, why are you worried? It's like you're creating problems where there are none. Worry and plan and change schools if necessary if something really bad actually happens. Do you have untreated anxiety? Let your DD be, she seems to have figured it out.

[Anonymous]

My hot take: sounds like you are projecting your own high school insecurities onto your daughter. Maybe you were a nerd who did care what the cool girls thought of you, but seems like your daughter doesn’t.

As for a mean girl reputation, I’ve never known an all girls school that didn’t have a large portion of quirky academic lesbian types.