Parental controls on teen’s phone

[Anonymous]

DS does not want a phone if it comes with parental controls. He is 15. He lost his phone privilege a while ago for opening a ton of various accounts without permission, making purchases on eBay etc and going over his debit limit, accessing restricted websites, etc… He has ADHD and refuses to take his medication because he saw some TikTok about side effects of that medication on growth… He’s capable to do honors level work (his teachers say), but his grades fell to Ds due to misplaced missing assignments, lack of study skills (rarely we see him doing any homework or studying), and poor performance on tests.… I think he needs parental controls due to issues in the past, but he absolutely refuses it and throws a fit if I try to have a conversation about it… it’s a big yelling tantrum…

Grateful if you could share your thoughts or advice on how you were able to positively manage to situation… did you let go of parental controls?

[Anonymous]

If he is saying he doesn’t want a phone with controls, I would say “OK” and not give him a phone. Is there a reason you want him to have one?

[Anonymous]

Agree with PP
I have a 13yo DD with ADHD and a phone with parental controls.
A phone is a privilege not a right. Throwing a tantrum over a phone would ensure no phone.
I get that we like them having one, I like that I can see where she is, that I can communicate with her when I’m at work etc. But I’m not giving her free range of the internet and no consequences for her actions so I can have those conveniences.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:If he is saying he doesn’t want a phone with controls, I would say “OK” and not give him a phone. Is there a reason you want him to have one?

This. Stand firm, OP. Either phone with parental controls and restrictions you deem appropriate, or no phone at all. Perhaps his doctor or psychiatrist can talk to him about medication and how it would benefit him, reduce his anxiety about side effects, and correct any TikTok misinformation. It sounds like meds would be a huge benefit to him.

[Anonymous]

What are the consequences currently for him refusing to take his meds? My DD takes adhd meds, refusal isn’t an option. There would be major consequences.

[Anonymous]

OP here. Okay and thanks for chiming in. DH is pressuring me to just ‘let him do whatever he wants’… ‘ there is only so much you can do’…. ‘ he’s just trying to fit in and he is under peer pressure.’ And so on…

Yes, it would be nice if he had a phone so that we can get a hold of him and check on him and he checks in with us and we’re able to text like normal people… and just so that he acquire some communication skills… so that he’s able to keep in touch with the family overseas and things like that… but every time he earns back his phone, there is some major serious issue… he was able to get rid of parental controls in the past (these kids are really smart and they know how to override anything) and that’s why right now he has no phone access. I took it away…. It’s been a while like since the school started I think… now he is standing firm that he only wants his phone back if there are no parental controls because otherwise other kids will be making fun of him and he will be subject of bullying (!)…

There are no consequences of not taking the meds… he’s got no phone and he recently lost his computer because he was playing at night without permission. The last thing to go away would be TV which is in the common room, but DH will absolutely not agree to that. GS figure out how to find games even on TV.

We already had an appointment with a family Doctor Who explained that ADHD meds side effects are not like that, but DS still wouldn’t take his meds after that appointment. He’s more stubborn than myself! He was very nice with a doctor and after the appointment he told me — I don’t care I will not take them!

We’ve been in therapy for many many months and I stopped it because we made some progress but nowhere near getting the family into peaceful state. Then the child started just disrespecting the counselor doing the sessions and not cooperating.The therapist then recommended to take the child to talk to the court official (?)… of course I freaked out because DS is not a criminal. He’s just very stubborn and trying to find his identity and trying to get his way… so those were online appointments, and now I’m thinking maybe I should go with in person appointments, but counselors are hard to book…

This is a smart kid and my heart breaks and my health drains hurting for him because I’m not able to help him. Yesterday he knocked out test preparation packet for geometry, and I’m already not able to help him because that’s more complex than what I know. I was watching him work through the packet and he did great and then he started checking his answers using ChatGPT. And ChatGPT gave incorrect answers that DS spotted and started yelling at ChatGPT that it’s wrong… clearly we have emotional regulation issue.

And how am I supposed to manage my job if we add in person appointments? Go ahead and take and use of those Medical leaves? I’m sorry I’m just dictating here and really seeking advice.

[Anonymous]

Poor kid - if he doesn’t have a phone how is he able to stay in touch with his friends?

How much time do you and your husband spend with him daily either doing something together or just working on homework?

He sounds isolated so of course he’s going to the internet more and more. An easy way to stop the excess spending is don’t give him a debit or credit card - he can use cash for his lunches or time out with friends.

[Anonymous]

Your kid gets a dumb phone

I can't think of a better use of those

[Anonymous]

I'm sorry OP. I have a son who sounds similar, although, he hasn't pushed back about the parental controls. You sound like you really have your hands full. I don't think people who have children that respond to consequences understand. Mine barely does.

Would your child be willing to work with a tutor or sorts (you don't have to use that word - you could say "coach") to help with some of the schoolwork challenges?

I don't have better advice, except that all you can say is, "no parental controls, no phone". Given how you've described his impulsivity and failure to regulate screen time (like my kid), I would absolutely not bend on the parental controls. I think you'll really regret it down the line if you do. It's harder to dial things back than to start out with them.

Lastly, for the meds, can you get him to talk to some other kids that are on them? My ADHD inattentive type kid (16yo) is on a non-stimulant which has been great for him. It does not affect appetite or sleep.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Your kid gets a dumb phone

I can't think of a better use of those

+1
You don't want a phone with controls, you get a dumb phone.

[Anonymous]

What does he do after school until bedtime?

you said no consequences for not taking meds but there needs to be something. He doesn't get to make that decision at 15.

[Anonymous]

This is OP. Thanks so much everyone for chiming in.

DS rejected ‘dumb phone’ offer I made a while ago (a few weeks after his smartphone was taken away). But it is interesting to note that when I searched for a dumb phone without any Internet connection and which would be suitable for older kids/teens (essentially, not bark phone), there was no such device! All basic, non-smart phones that I found came with an Internet connectivity integrated, which means my child would be able to find a Wi-Fi and go to discord, Snapchat, Roblox, etc.

Then, I found att parental controls app, which appears to be a little bit more of a higher level than what comes with Apple software. With a little bit of a discussion here and some more thinking, I will continue keeping an offer on the table that a phone with parental controls can be earned. We started countdown to the end of Q3 to assess the readiness for the phone. DS seems to be excited about countdown idea as it looks now but keeps begging for no controls.

Yes, I do have my hands full because my marriage is falling apart due to stress from endless arguments, and I already accepted it.
But that’s all right and I don’t want to derail this thread.

We try to keep DS busy. Examples of after school activities include swimming, math with online tutor (under parent prompts he needs it), and some scouting work; rarely studying/home work. We used to have a study coach for a number of weeks and that stopped with winter holidays. I’m not quite sure if I should restart it as DS keeps complaining that it’s useless.

DS is now also suddenly interested in going to the gym for workouts and weight room. Again, he must’ve seen something on TikTok, however, it took me a lot of talking to persuade him to overcome his fear and go to that weight for the first time with me. I had to keep telling to: Nobody cares how you look - you’re not skinny or short (how main worries); You’re just fine; Everyone just cares about their workout. —It’s always a talk therapy but it’s probably time number 101 or something like that that he agreed to (overcome his social anxiety about the gym and) come out with me; and it’s so strange because I get compliments that he is handsome, so he has nothing to be shy about. But he is a teen of course and the world is probably weird in his eyes and he’s just trying to fit in as if he was always there as a pro. And of course once in the weight room, he was fine and asked me to just stay away from him because he didn’t want to be seen with his mom.

He also likes to play with our dog or he watches TV or starts scrolling through YouTube or finds a way to play on tv, especially if I’m still at work.

He likes to cook (mostly grilling thanks to scouting getaways) or help us cook things he likes (but it took us a while to get them engaged in this).

And so all of his socialization with friends primarily takes place at school or swim or during scouts troop events, and outings. Initially, it was tough for him without the phone, but given gravity of rules violation, he didn’t even argue when we took it away.

I think I addressed at least most of the comments above. Sorry this is so long because I just dictate… and it flows.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I'm sorry OP. I have a son who sounds similar, although, he hasn't pushed back about the parental controls. You sound like you really have your hands full. I don't think people who have children that respond to consequences understand. Mine barely does.

Would your child be willing to work with a tutor or sorts (you don't have to use that word - you could say "coach") to help with some of the schoolwork challenges?

I don't have better advice, except that all you can say is, "no parental controls, no phone". Given how you've described his impulsivity and failure to regulate screen time (like my kid), I would absolutely not bend on the parental controls. I think you'll really regret it down the line if you do. It's harder to dial things back than to start out with them.

Lastly, for the meds, can you get him to talk to some other kids that are on them? My ADHD inattentive type kid (16yo) is on a non-stimulant which has been great for him. It does not affect appetite or sleep.

Thanks so much for your reply. Really appreciate it.

DS talks disrespectfully about other kids. Of course I tried to correct his worldview, but it is difficult. This is why there’s a lot of conflict in the household. When he was younger, I was busy with my job and that was the biggest mistake as there were other people who shaped his personality like other kids. He refuses to take meds because he looks known on anybody who is on meds and this is coming from his misunderstanding of the world. He doesn’t want to be on maths and he doesn’t want to be looked at special needs at school…. He’s not receptive to any kind of talk about it.

I made an in person appointment with a new therapy place. So I’ll see maybe things will get better.