Which scenario makes most sense for dual working family?

[Anonymous]

Not sure if this belongs in jobs or money. Current HHI is around $725,000 with no bonus. Last year HHI with bonus was $875,000. But there is a huge discrepancy in salaries. DH makes $575,000 (plus bonus) and DW makes $150,000. Have 3 kids. DW has a very stable, not overly demanding WFH job and manages everything for the kids, house, pets, etc. DH has a very demanding, exhausting, time consuming job that requires travel and being ON all the time.

Would you rather have the scenario above OR a scenario with DH takes a pay cut and has a less demanding job and DW finds a higher paying more demanding job? So scenario A you have one super stressed out parent and one parent who can take on the lion share of responsibilities for the kids and still provide some of the household income. OR scenario B where you have two parents who both work somewhat stressful higher paying jobs but DH would hopefully be a little less stressed and working more BUT DW would be working more and more stressed than current job.

Which would you chose?

[Anonymous]

What does DH want?

To answer your question, I’d go scenario C. Both have lower stress jobs making less money. Your HHI is very high but it seems like you choose have job(s) with high stress.

[Anonymous]

I like the current scenario as long as the marriage is stable and there is not resentment. It must be the case though, that the higher earning spouse likes there job and wants to keep grinding. If not, then option B.

[Anonymous]

I prefer A being the wife - heck you should just quit and be a SAHM - but if I were the husband I might want something different. Do you HAVE to make so much money? Ideally DH steps back and you keep your job the way it is, and you only make....still more than 95% of people.

[Anonymous]

Scenario D
DW keeps the job she has
DH finds a less demanding job and takes a pay cut and you both figure out how to live on a lower HHI.
You don’t get this time back with your kids. You need to prioritize family over income.

[Anonymous]

OP, your post is predicated on the notion that at least one person must have a stressful job. This isn't really the case. And stress is also relative to the person's reaction to their circumstances. Some people thrive in an environment that others would find inherently stressful.

That being said, I agree with PPs who said A but ideally DW quits. At that HHI, it is likely not worth it for her to work.

[Anonymous]

Scenario A, I doubt he'll step up at home and then mom is stuck with a hard job and still doing everything at home.

I'd never give up a 150k wfh job. If DH is under stress, let him switch to a lower pressure job and make do with the income cut. No one needs to make three quarters of a million to survive. You can do fine on 300 or 400k HHI which is still an obscene amount.

[Anonymous]

We did B because my H wanted to raise his kid and see them and be fully engaged.

Does your H want to see his kids, most men don't care to.

[Anonymous]

I can't fathom a world where a HHI is $750 and 1 person does all the work at home, are you unaware of paid labor?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Scenario D
DW keeps the job she has
DH finds a less demanding job and takes a pay cut and you both figure out how to live on a lower HHI.
You don’t get this time back with your kids. You need to prioritize family over income.

+1 With three kids someone has to be there to manage all that.

Also, in the current market, expecting DW to just easily get a higher paying job is pretty unrealistic. And, even if she does, you will need to expect that she needs to be 100% on all the time to establish herself there. So, DH is going to have to pick up the kid stuff. Or you get a nanny/house manager which removes the benefit of that higher salary.

[Anonymous]

Option C- DW quits her job and becomes a SAHM, managing everything.

We chose two "less stressful" jobs that paid $160-200k and it's awful. We're both stressed out and can't make it to kid events. Per the new administration, neither of us has any telework whatsoever, so every kid sick day, snow day and doctor's appts is a massive struggle. Previously I would just take the kid to an appt and then work later and now I'm unable to do that, basically I have to take the whole day off now. I think to have a less stressful job you have to go down to 100k or less, but that wouldn't pay the bills.

[Anonymous]

I choose not to live out a Stepford wife cliche, so I would never willingly choose a DH with that kind of job. Plus I am not a good enough parent on my own and believe my kid needs his dad on a regular basis.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I can't fathom a world where a HHI is $750 and 1 person does all the work at home, are you unaware of paid labor?

Yeah no man would put up with that if the roles were reversed. Even if OP has a cleaning lady, it's very hard to make dinner, eat with the kids, read to them all, put them to bed every single night by yourself. It's draining. I'd want a nanny or a housekeeper helping me.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Scenario A, I doubt he'll step up at home and then mom is stuck with a hard job and still doing everything at home.

I'd never give up a 150k wfh job. If DH is under stress, let him switch to a lower pressure job and make do with the income cut. No one needs to make three quarters of a million to survive. You can do fine on 300 or 400k HHI which is still an obscene amount.

Totally agree with this.

OP needs to clarify what question is being asked. Is it, "We are in scenario A and I am wondering if B (or something else) would improve things" or is it "which is a more desirable set up for family life?" I am convinced that any man who has lived Scenario A with DW doing everything is not going to magically step it up with a less stressful job. I also firmly believe that generally, the type who has that kind of job (high level consultant or PR agency, big firm partner) has a workaholic personality and will not magically chill out in a "less stressful" job.

[Anonymous]

What problem are you trying to solve? DH wants to be in the kids lives more? Or DW is resentful of doing all the mental load stuff on top of working full time? Or something else?

We chose me quitting and being a SAHM. No regrets about it. But DH loves his work, we’re best friends and on solid ground with our marriage, and I love being the primary parent.