My 4th grade girl is angry/frustrated all the time.

[Anonymous]

She's super smart, but she gets so angry when she gets things wrong, she gets mad when I try to help her or explain how to solve a math problem step by step, for example. She gets mad when we ask her to do simple things like clear her plate from the table, she's just a huge bundle of emotions.

Is this hormones or could this be something else? Are all 4th grade girls like this or should we be seeking out a therapist? How do I know what's normal and what's pre-puberty?

[Anonymous]

Updating to say it's not literally all the time, it's a lot of the time.

[Anonymous]

Totally normal pre-puberty hormones kicking in.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Totally normal pre-puberty hormones kicking in.

Make them stop, please! No, really, how can I help her through this? Any resource recommendations? She is clearly having a hard time, and is also driving the rest of us crazy.

[Anonymous]

You can get therapy for anything that is disruptive to normal life, whether it is “normal” or not.

[Anonymous]

Unfortunately, this is likely an early symptom of the oppression she perpetually face in our misogynistic, sexist, paternalistic, bigoted, phallo-centric, western capitalist cisheteropatriarchy.

[Anonymous]

We are dealing with this with our 4th grade DD, too (just turned 10). She'll go through a period of several days to a week where she is SO unpleasant, and I try to give her grace and space and outlets to talk (or write, or type...) just to me about any issues or concerns that might be causing the behavior, but nothing. She's actually been better this week...I wonder if she was sleep-deprived and the combination of her sports practices re-starting (so she is actually tired at the end of the day) but also getting to sleep in has helped?

[Anonymous]

This is normal. FWIW my boy also acted like this sometimes in 4th grade. I don’t think it’s gender specific. They want to be independent and they have a lot of hormones.

[Anonymous]

I think it’s the onset of hormones and also possibly not enough sleep due to the hormone changes. I’d try the usual things of more sleep, less screen time, healthy food, and time outdoors.

School is more demanding at this point of the year for this age, they are more aware of what is going on in the world, and social issues with peers at school get more complicated.

They are beginning to pull away from parents, yet crave safety and closeness.

I’d also keep in mind that peers may have phones and access to stuff online that is too much and your child could be exposed to this through peers.

I’d try to spend time with her one on one, just doing something fun like getting ice cream, following her lead, and being present. Use active listening. When she’s calm, I’d talk about how she is at an exciting but tough age, and I’d reiterate family rules about politeness and respect.

If she is cranky about things like being asked to clear the tables, I’d mildly say that I’m sorry that feels like too much, but it will just take a minute.

[Anonymous]

Can you give an example of how you ask her to do things? My mom used to yell at me to do it. Or the second time she would yell at me and maybe call me a name or two (lazy, sloppy, clumsy). I’m not saying you do this, but when I ask my kids to do stuff like clean up the dishes, I ask as politely as possible and in as few words as possible. “Can you please bring in your plate?” “Larla, plate”. And if she doesn’t then the next day it’s still sitting there and I can’t get her breakfast in a dirty kitchen. Hugs op.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Can you give an example of how you ask her to do things? My mom used to yell at me to do it. Or the second time she would yell at me and maybe call me a name or two (lazy, sloppy, clumsy). I’m not saying you do this, but when I ask my kids to do stuff like clean up the dishes, I ask as politely as possible and in as few words as possible. “Can you please bring in your plate?” “Larla, plate”. And if she doesn’t then the next day it’s still sitting there and I can’t get her breakfast in a dirty kitchen. Hugs op.

I appreciate this, I'm definitely not yelling, I ask nicely because I am trying really hard to talk to her in the way that I would like her to talk to me. She's just defiant and it's frustrating!! I hadn't thought about that last part though, about just leaving her plate.

[Anonymous]

Start with removing all screens and increasing sleep and nutrition. That’s what helped us. Therapy was useless. How’s her school? Any friend drama?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Can you give an example of how you ask her to do things? My mom used to yell at me to do it. Or the second time she would yell at me and maybe call me a name or two (lazy, sloppy, clumsy). I’m not saying you do this, but when I ask my kids to do stuff like clean up the dishes, I ask as politely as possible and in as few words as possible. “Can you please bring in your plate?” “Larla, plate”. And if she doesn’t then the next day it’s still sitting there and I can’t get her breakfast in a dirty kitchen. Hugs op.

I appreciate this, I'm definitely not yelling, I ask nicely because I am trying really hard to talk to her in the way that I would like her to talk to me. She's just defiant and it's frustrating!! I hadn't thought about that last part though, about just leaving her plate.

Pp again. Yes I will leave her plate. Or if she doesn’t put away her clothes I tell her I can’t do my laundry until the clothes are out of the basket. Even if it’s not true I let her think her actions affect us all. It’s really hard though.

[Anonymous]

If it’s affecting your family’s daily life negatively, this really isn’t typical behavior. Yes, tantrums happen and hormones can exacerbate things. However, if your kid is like this multiple times per day and most days per week, it’s a problem. Check in with a behavioral health professional.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:She's super smart, but she gets so angry when she gets things wrong, she gets mad when I try to help her or explain how to solve a math problem step by step, for example. She gets mad when we ask her to do simple things like clear her plate from the table, she's just a huge bundle of emotions.

Is this hormones or could this be something else? Are all 4th grade girls like this or should we be seeking out a therapist? How do I know what's normal and what's pre-puberty?

This part sounds like maybe she is a perfectionist. If so, the second thing could be unrelated.