Disciplining a Special Needs Child

[Anonymous]

... does it always need to end with both parent and child in tears? Are there ways of getting them to listen and follow directions? I am really at my wits end, and have tried nearly everything. It is not only overwhelming to deal with all of the therapies, and the expense but am currently having a really hard time seeing the positive in any of this.

[Anonymous]

It's hard to answer without knowing what your child's issues are, age of child, etc. But I can tell you from our experience that a behavioral approach works best - i.e., reward positive behavior (and tell the child ahead of time that if he behaves in this manner, he will get x reward). If he doesn't act appropriately, and therefore doesn't receive the reward, be very straighforward and neutral about it - do NOT cry or scream or show any emotion. For us, this has worked really well. But again, without knowing how old your child is and what the special needs are, I can't say much more. Good luck.

[Anonymous]

Agree with the PP that it depends on what the child's issues are. However, I can tell you that with my DS (7yrs old, ADHD, SPD), rewards and punishment have no impact on him whatsoever. He would do the right thing if he could, but his impulses get in the way.
We are trying to find that magic combination of words, therapies etc., but no luck yet.

Good luck. you will find what works just keep trying.

[Anonymous]

DS is 6 and is SPD/ADD/and has a receptive/expressive language disorder (in addition to learning disabilities)... not a defiant child, just does not do what is asked of him - ever!

[Anonymous]

The best answer I can give you is that you should not lower your expectations because your child is special needs. Continue to expect good behavior.

I have used 1-2-3 Magic with my child, and it has worked well. I try to parent as positively as possible, praising for good behavior. I don't make excuses for bad behavior like frustration with her limitations, etc.

If you are ending up in tears, can your spouse/partner also step in?

[Anonymous]

OP - This is 20:07.
My DS also has receptive/expressive issues. This makes it very difficult for him to express why he does what he does...or does not do, why he says what he says or does not say. All of this lends to the perfect storm of emotions that ends in tears and screaming and door slamming

I am also the OP of the thread regarding DS becoming Defiant. My DS has never been defiant, but he is now in 2nd grade and it is starting to happen. He is a calm, loving child who felt it necessary to kick his teacher last week! We don't know why as he is unable to really express why he did it. And I have learned to only believe 50% of what the school tells me...as they see things from a school and discipline perspective.

One of the posters suggested Ross Greene's books - Lost at School and The Explosive Child. I purchased "Explosive" on Saturday and have started reading it. Makes a lot of sense with respect to how to get through to kiddos like ours.

Be patient. DO NOT buy into all the snake oil salesmen out there who tell you that if you just cough up $6K they can cure your DS with a very special kind of therapy. They see the desperation in your eyes and hear it in your voice.

[Anonymous]

My oldest is 7, ADHD, SPD, expresive/receptive delays, LD. We use a combination of techniques from such books as 123 Magic and Effective Parenting for the Hard-to-Manage Child and techniques we learned from Rene Hackney's Positive Discipline class. You first have to know the origin of the behavior - is it really a discipline issues or is it related to one of the disorders - and to make allowances for that. For example, homework can be challenging for DS for a number of reasons. Sometimes he just doesn't want to do it, sometimes the LD gets in the way, sometimes the ADHD has him racing through it carelessly. My response depends on what I perceive to be the cause of the issue. In every case, there is discussion with DS (at a time when he is capable of having rational discussion) so that he can reflect on what was happening and what he could/should do to change the situation.

It's not easy and we've been working on this for a very long time. One of the key factors is finding things that motivate your child. Our DS needs an immediate reward (star on the chart which can be redeemed for desired things or being allowed to go out an play with neighbor kid when finished). We usually do positive rewards but we also do natural consequences - if you don't get your toys cleaned up in 10 minutes, there won't be time for TV before dinner. I suggest you read/study all you can and then try different techniques to see what works. Sometimes what works initially doesn't work later. I never knew discipline would require so much work....

[Anonymous]

10:43 again - I forgot to mention that medication has helped a lot. It helps DS control his emotions and his impulses. We can always telll when it's wearing off.

[Anonymous]

10:43 - what med is your DS on?