Elderly Parent Moving to DMV for AL

[Anonymous]

My elderly parent will be moving to AL in DMV. My sib lives outside of area, holds POA and is estranged from everyone in immediate and extended family but parent. Won’t communicate. Has anyone navigated this dynamic?

[Anonymous]

Get the poa changed or let them deal with it.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:My elderly parent will be moving to AL in DMV. My sib lives outside of area, holds POA and is estranged from everyone in immediate and extended family but parent. Won’t communicate. Has anyone navigated this dynamic?

Is sibling financial POA health POA or both? Is the estrangement new over something like eldercare issues or has it been many years? Did your parent decide this while of sound mind? All you can do it let your parent know how this limits you and then respect their choice. I assume there was plenty of dysfunction before your parent aged? Is that correct?

I have a version of this situation. I was very involved with both parents as they aged-never close to sibling who only started visiting parents more often when decline started. It became more and more draining over the years-mostly mom, dad was appreciative. A year or so after dad passed, I was dealing with my own family emergencies and had to make clear my boundaries to mom who had many demands on my time, my concerns about her living situation and my concerns about some both physical and mental health issues she complained about frequently but wouldn't treat. Mom was angry and sibling convinced her to take away my ability to know any health info or make health decisions. I then asked to be taken off financial POA because sibling was making threats to me regarding expectations once I take over and it wasn't a job I ever wanted. It seemed like sibling planned to be accusatory and potentially litigious, so I suggested mom use a lawyer or accountant. Mom still manages her finances to this day though-cognitively still there. All decisions mom made to block me from health info were made of sound mind verified by cognitive testing so I respected her wishes.

Logistically it meant sibling would call from hospital to insist I come only to find out I am blocked from all info; mom didn't want me there (because issue was related to my concerns she refused to check out) and sibling would not give me accurate info and just create drama. So, from then on, I did not go to the hospital because I was treated with suspicion. I did convince mom to hire a medical professional to help advocate for her and also manage things when released like home care, etc. because sibling just wanted to assign tasks to me and have me take the blame if it wasn't at mom's standards. Also, mom would refuse doctor's orders so this was someone who could negotiate with her and create a plan for care in the home that she would accept and then as complaints about staff came up, she would find someone new. She could even hire medical professionals like PT to come to the home.

It did give me peace of mind to know I could try to do right by her from a distance while not having to deal with a sibling I needed to be estranged from to protect myself and my family. Also, part of doing right by her is respecting her wishes and allowing her to make decisions that I don't agree with and I believe are even harmful.

[Anonymous]

OP here, thanks, PP. Estranged sib is financial POA and possibly medical POA , parent says she changed med POA but no one has seen it. Sib has been estranged, from everyone but parent, for decades. The AL seems uncomfortable that sib would not do a call or video meeting, etc.

Yep, lots of dysfunction for decades. Sorry for your own very challenging situation!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP here, thanks, PP. Estranged sib is financial POA and possibly medical POA , parent says she changed med POA but no one has seen it. Sib has been estranged, from everyone but parent, for decades. The AL seems uncomfortable that sib would not do a call or video meeting, etc.

Yep, lots of dysfunction for decades. Sorry for your own very challenging situation!

Is she cognitively fine? If not, you need to see the paperwork. If she is fine, you just let her know how this limits you and technically you cannot even be speaking with the people at AL without her permission I think, not sure. Yes, it's sad the sibling won't even do a call with the AL, but if your mom chose this while cognitively sound and she still is (other than the usual decline that can come with aging), then it's between mom and sibling. Even before the aging mess, I spent years being dragged into situations where I didn't belong. In this situation legally you do not belong in this mess. It can be blessing in disguise.

[Anonymous]

Parent needs to make a decision that will best serve their current situation: AL; which kid is nearby/available to take the lead?

If that means updating POA and any other docs, do it.

PS - To avoid any contesting of future decisions, all kids should have visibility on discussions and decisions made by Parent with a lawyer. No secrets.

[Anonymous]

Maybe convince sibling to move mom closer to them instead? Not sure how they think this all will work. But yes, as the PP said, it's between mom and the sibling.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:My elderly parent will be moving to AL in DMV. My sib lives outside of area, holds POA and is estranged from everyone in immediate and extended family but parent. Won’t communicate. Has anyone navigated this dynamic?

Is sibling financial POA health POA or both? Is the estrangement new over something like eldercare issues or has it been many years? Did your parent decide this while of sound mind? All you can do it let your parent know how this limits you and then respect their choice. I assume there was plenty of dysfunction before your parent aged? Is that correct?

I have a version of this situation. I was very involved with both parents as they aged-never close to sibling who only started visiting parents more often when decline started. It became more and more draining over the years-mostly mom, dad was appreciative. A year or so after dad passed, I was dealing with my own family emergencies and had to make clear my boundaries to mom who had many demands on my time, my concerns about her living situation and my concerns about some both physical and mental health issues she complained about frequently but wouldn't treat. Mom was angry and sibling convinced her to take away my ability to know any health info or make health decisions. I then asked to be taken off financial POA because sibling was making threats to me regarding expectations once I take over and it wasn't a job I ever wanted. It seemed like sibling planned to be accusatory and potentially litigious, so I suggested mom use a lawyer or accountant. Mom still manages her finances to this day though-cognitively still there. All decisions mom made to block me from health info were made of sound mind verified by cognitive testing so I respected her wishes.

Logistically it meant sibling would call from hospital to insist I come only to find out I am blocked from all info; mom didn't want me there (because issue was related to my concerns she refused to check out) and sibling would not give me accurate info and just create drama. So, from then on, I did not go to the hospital because I was treated with suspicion. I did convince mom to hire a medical professional to help advocate for her and also manage things when released like home care, etc. because sibling just wanted to assign tasks to me and have me take the blame if it wasn't at mom's standards. Also, mom would refuse doctor's orders so this was someone who could negotiate with her and create a plan for care in the home that she would accept and then as complaints about staff came up, she would find someone new. She could even hire medical professionals like PT to come to the home.

It did give me peace of mind to know I could try to do right by her from a distance while not having to deal with a sibling I needed to be estranged from to protect myself and my family. Also, part of doing right by her is respecting her wishes and allowing her to make decisions that I don't agree with and I believe are even harmful.

This is a great perspective and great advice. I would keep reiterating to your parent that their care is between them and your sibling who has POA, and that you can't help. Don't let your parent try and make you work around this quirk, assuming your parent is of sound mind. Many old people don't want to rock the boat or create any discomfort for themselves, so if you try and work within this impossible situation, they will just ignore it and let you, even to their detriment. If it were me, I wouldn't agree to have them split any of the POA (financial or med) with an estranged sibling. It's all or nothing. Especially since the sibling won't even communicate with the AL. Things will only get worse as your parent ages, you need to set the boundary right now.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Get the poa changed or let them deal with it.

This.