Bar mitzvah etiquette question

[Anonymous]

My whole family got invited to a bar mitzvah for one of my son’s good friends. First it’s the service at a temple followed by a party at a venue. I have 2 questions:

1. What is customary as far as presents? Do we bring an envelope with money? How much is appropriate?

2. What is the dress code? It says “casual” in the invitation but how casual is casual? Can I show up in jeans to the temple?

TIA

[Anonymous]

1. Multiples of 18 for $$ gifts. I'd aim to "pay my plate" so to speak so for a family of 4 I'd do $144...

2. Don't wear jeans to the temple. Think business casual...

[Anonymous]

Do not wear jeans, joggers, sneakers, tanks, T-shirt or sweatshirts to temple. Give the check inside a card inside a sealed envelope , at the end of the reception (party). At least $200. Don’t be cheap.

[Anonymous]

Bring the card with the check inside to the reception. Jews are not allowed to handle money on shabbat.

[Anonymous]

Dozens of threads on this in the archive

[Anonymous]

Thank you all who responded!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:1. Multiples of 18 for $$ gifts. I'd aim to "pay my plate" so to speak so for a family of 4 I'd do $144...

2. Don't wear jeans to the temple. Think business casual...

Yes, to business casual. We never expected anyone to pay for their plate. It's a gift you are taking time to come celebrate with them. Multiples of 18 is considered good luck, but not a must. You don't need to do as much as PP suggested at all.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:1. Multiples of 18 for $$ gifts. I'd aim to "pay my plate" so to speak so for a family of 4 I'd do $144...

2. Don't wear jeans to the temple. Think business casual...

Yes, to business casual. We never expected anyone to pay for their plate. It's a gift you are taking time to come celebrate with them. Multiples of 18 is considered good luck, but not a must. You don't need to do as much as PP suggested at all.

Agree with this. No one will be expecting you to give a certain amount (or at least, no one whose family you would want to celebrate with).

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Do not wear jeans, joggers, sneakers, tanks, T-shirt or sweatshirts to temple. Give the check inside a card inside a sealed envelope , at the end of the reception (party). At least $200. Don’t be cheap.

The only people who gave my kids $200 for their bar/bat mitzvahs were our closest friends. School friends tended to give $54. Family friends, $126. It depends on how rich your social circle is.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Do not wear jeans, joggers, sneakers, tanks, T-shirt or sweatshirts to temple. Give the check inside a card inside a sealed envelope , at the end of the reception (party). At least $200. Don’t be cheap.

The only people who gave my kids $200 for their bar/bat mitzvahs were our closest friends. School friends tended to give $54. Family friends, $126. It depends on how rich your social circle is.

Our family went to one that must have cost $250,000. We gave $500 which honestly seemed cheap.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:1. Multiples of 18 for $$ gifts. I'd aim to "pay my plate" so to speak so for a family of 4 I'd do $144...

2. Don't wear jeans to the temple. Think business casual...

Or $72 for the 4 people

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Do not wear jeans, joggers, sneakers, tanks, T-shirt or sweatshirts to temple. Give the check inside a card inside a sealed envelope , at the end of the reception (party). At least $200. Don’t be cheap.

The only people who gave my kids $200 for their bar/bat mitzvahs were our closest friends. School friends tended to give $54. Family friends, $126. It depends on how rich your social circle is.

Nobody in our circles of family/friends gives less than that. And our circles aren't rich, they/we just think this is a big deal.