Am I the jerk here? (TW: infertility)

[Anonymous]

Trying to make a long story short:

Coworker and his wife are struggling with infertility like my husband and I. The wife wants to chat with me all the time about it. I don't really want to talk about it. I talk about it in anon posts on a fb group but not to people IRL. Finally, I realized part of the reason I don't want to talk to her about it and I feel like a huge jerk. They have a blended family (she has 3 bio kids, he has 3 from a previously marriage as well). I guess I just don't feel really comfortable talking about infertility with someone who has all those kids to go home to.

I know secondary infertility is a thing and I'm sure it hurts just as much as my primary infertility but idk. Is there a way that I could figure out how to reframe this to be okay with talking to her.

FWIW, I'm close with my coworker and mentioned it to him. He told his wife and now we are all friends. This is just a weird sticking point for me.

[Anonymous]

I've had 7 miscarriages trying for a third. It absolutely doesn't hit as hard as if I were trying for my first. You're entitled to your privacy and your feelings, OP, and at this point I would convey it to her in a nice way. I'm sorry you're going through this.

[Anonymous]

I experienced secondary infertility after my first and it sucked, but I never for a minute felt like it was "as bad" as infertility when you're trying to have any kid at all. Your feelings are entirely valid IMO.

[Anonymous]

“Honestly, I’m just not comfortable talking about this with anyone right now. I’m sure you understand.”

It’s really not complicated. Just say those words.

[Anonymous]

Op here. PP, I've tried to say something like that but she doesn't consider herself "people". She feels like because we are "close", I will be open with her. I don't want to say "no, I don't want to talk to YOU about it either"

[Anonymous]

You're not a jerk, but if you don't set that boundary how is she supposed to know.

[Anonymous]

You're not at ALL a jerk. If you don't want to talk to someone about something personal in your life then you don't have to NO MATTER THE REASON.

[Anonymous]

Don’t worry about it for another minute. See your boundary. She will deal.

[Anonymous]

Dude that's an excessive amount of kids. Excessive. I get it too.

[Anonymous]

Are you friends outside of work? Why are you so close to this person?

Don’t tell her the specifics; just say that you are “private” and you “don’t want to talk about it”.

PS it’s incredibly rude and selfish of her to be comparing her situation with yours.

[Anonymous]

You are not the jerk here OP. Not at all. To be fair, she may not be either but she sounds a little oblivious if she's pressing her husband's colleagues to commiserate over infertility.

I also had secondary IF and it's painful in its own way but very much not the same. That goes double for a blended family of SIX kids!

I think you just keep repeating some version of 18:28's suggested language. Keep the door closed. And maybe minimize your engagement with her. I've never met most of my colleagues' spouses and can't imagine being pressured to talk with them about my most personal issues!

[Anonymous]

If it makes you feel better or even more weird during my infertility journey I met a Mom of 10 pursuing IVF for 11...

[Anonymous]

I don't think you're a jerk at all. Quite frankly, I think she should have more self awareness and realize how insensitive she's being. Yes, infertility is painful for everyone, but it is not the same when you're trying to have your first child. I'm sorry. I agree with the others who suggest telling her you don't want to talk about it.

[Anonymous]

Your coworker needs to stfu and realize that 3 bio kids is enough and she's being incredibly insensitive. Someone that insensitive doesn't deserve the kids she has, let alone more. I'm sorry for your situation, and I hope things work out for you.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Trying to make a long story short:

Coworker and his wife are struggling with infertility like my husband and I. The wife wants to chat with me all the time about it. I don't really want to talk about it. I talk about it in anon posts on a fb group but not to people IRL. Finally, I realized part of the reason I don't want to talk to her about it and I feel like a huge jerk. They have a blended family (she has 3 bio kids, he has 3 from a previously marriage as well). I guess I just don't feel really comfortable talking about infertility with someone who has all those kids to go home to.

I know secondary infertility is a thing and I'm sure it hurts just as much as my primary infertility but idk. Is there a way that I could figure out how to reframe this to be okay with talking to her.

FWIW, I'm close with my coworker and mentioned it to him. He told his wife and now we are all friends. This is just a weird sticking point for me.

Your infertility was far too personal topic to discuss with a work colleague. You need to just tell her that this is not something you care to discuss with someone with six children between them. They don't need another child.

More importantly, you need to set a d understand boundaries at work!