List of things towards independence

[Anonymous]

DS is 10, high functioning AuDHD with anxiety. Can someone put out a list of things that one should be able to do by the end of middle school years developmentally and mentally that work towards to be independence? My goal is able to live in a shared dorm room on campus in the first year of college. It would be great if you also type out what parents need to do or kids need to do to achieve those goals. I think I may have done too much for him or reminded him too much, and I need to learn to step back a bit.

[Anonymous]

I used ChatGPT for this. I also wouldn’t worry about living in a shared dorm room rather than a single.

[Anonymous]

I was trying to come up with a list like this a few months ago, and then I realized that this is essentially what scouts tries to achieve, so I signed up my 11 yo DS. It’s hard to fit into our schedule right now, but I do think this is the goal they are ultimately trying to achieve. I think down the road maybe consider a sleepaway camp.

[Anonymous]

Do you mean academically/school related or personal care related? Some things that immediately pop into my mind are

remembering to set an alarm
determining when to get up
getting up to the alarm
all personal hygiene
laundry
basic cooking (like Ramen, boxed meals, use of toaster oven and microwave)
basic household chores (vacuuming, cleaning the bathroom, loading and unloading the dishwasher)
keeping track of school assignments independently
identifying and bringing home everything needed for homework/projects
independent completion of assignments
safety awareness (locking doors, attentiveness when walking places and crossing streets, etc., not putting metal in the microwave)
identifying and notifying you of things that need repairs (like the toilet running, faucet dripping, circuit breaker needs to be reset)

[Anonymous]

Op here. He is already in cub scout and successfully did a regular sleep away camp for a week (they provide food, sleep in bunk bed, and led by counselors). I am planning to send him again to sleepaway camps (his request) and 1 overnight tent camping (not his request) coming summer. DH hated that I spend all these unnecessary money and time, but I really want to see if he can do it. He is on track academically to graduate high school on time, and he is expected to attend 4 year college. My biggest concern is personal self hygiene care, remember to eat/drink/sleep on time, and be able to attend classes & complete homework etc without my supervision/reminders. He never looks at clock to keep himself on schedule, and I don't want to see him dead one day in his dorm room or get kicked out from college because he forgets to attend classes. If there is an affordable summer residential campus weekly program (live on campus) at dmv college area, I would love to learn about it. I would love to sign him up when he is at middle school age. He is geeky, and he likes math, science, boardgames and outdoor sports (include all water activities).

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Do you mean academically/school related or personal care related? Some things that immediately pop into my mind are

remembering to set an alarm
determining when to get up
getting up to the alarm
all personal hygiene
laundry
basic cooking (like Ramen, boxed meals, use of toaster oven and microwave)
basic household chores (vacuuming, cleaning the bathroom, loading and unloading the dishwasher)
keeping track of school assignments independently
identifying and bringing home everything needed for homework/projects
independent completion of assignments
safety awareness (locking doors, attentiveness when walking places and crossing streets, etc., not putting metal in the microwave)
identifying and notifying you of things that need repairs (like the toilet running, faucet dripping, circuit breaker needs to be reset)

Great list, marked, thank you.

[Anonymous]

There are milestones, not deadlines. That means you look at what to be working on next. Don't worry about "age appropriate" just keep working on making progress.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Op here. He is already in cub scout and successfully did a regular sleep away camp for a week (they provide food, sleep in bunk bed, and led by counselors). I am planning to send him again to sleepaway camps (his request) and 1 overnight tent camping (not his request) coming summer. DH hated that I spend all these unnecessary money and time, but I really want to see if he can do it. He is on track academically to graduate high school on time, and he is expected to attend 4 year college. My biggest concern is personal self hygiene care, remember to eat/drink/sleep on time, and be able to attend classes & complete homework etc without my supervision/reminders. He never looks at clock to keep himself on schedule, and I don't want to see him dead one day in his dorm room or get kicked out from college because he forgets to attend classes. If there is an affordable summer residential campus weekly program (live on campus) at dmv college area, I would love to learn about it. I would love to sign him up when he is at middle school age. He is geeky, and he likes math, science, boardgames and outdoor sports (include all water activities).

OP, first of all, you have so much time to see growth in your child. It's great to have these ideas now, but for example, my first kid didn't shower regularly and get himself dressed without reminders until 8th grade (!) but still was prepared for college.

That said, the things my kids struggled with were: being able to walk into a dining hall and get food by themselves, being comfortable using a shared restroom (i.e. identifying a home toilet) and dealing with the chaos of interacting with others while doing hygiene tasks, being able to ask for help when they are struggling and advocate for themselves, being able to trouble shoot sleeping conditions that are less than ideal, having a "script" for meeting new people when they start college, having a workout/exercise plan.

[Anonymous]

One super important skill for independence is self management of meds

[Anonymous]

If you're concerned about him forgetting things, some of that can be alleviated by setting reminders and alarms on a smart device. I would add that to the skills you want to teach.

I am the PP that made the list above. I had the exact same concerns with my two boys (both have special needs). It hit me right around 5th grade that I still had a lot of work to do with them and the things on my list were the things I came up with back then. I thought the hardest would be to teach them to get up with an alarm and it wasn't. Both of my boys ended up in college and are doing well with managing independently.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:If you're concerned about him forgetting things, some of that can be alleviated by setting reminders and alarms on a smart device. I would add that to the skills you want to teach.

I am the PP that made the list above. I had the exact same concerns with my two boys (both have special needs). It hit me right around 5th grade that I still had a lot of work to do with them and the things on my list were the things I came up with back then. I thought the hardest would be to teach them to get up with an alarm and it wasn't. Both of my boys ended up in college and are doing well with managing independently.

What smart device did you use? A watch with alarm or a phone watch with alarm? Any recommebdation?

[Anonymous]

Recognizing the need for help, asking for help, and accepting help was the biggest skill my child has to develop in high school to be ready for college.

I would also add basic hygiene, enough time management to get places, and varied enough interests to find other people.