Best friend is driving me crazy!!!

[Anonymous]

I am considering ending things with my closest friend. While I love him to the moon, our friendship is dramatic at times and I don’t think I can take it anymore.

Whenever we disagree it blows up unnecessarily and drags out for days or weeks. We agree most of the time, so this happens like once a year but it’s so stressful to me.

Something that I think that adds fuel to the fire is that he has ADHD and is an orphan. I think he is hyper sensitive to perceived rejection.

He wants to meet to talk things out, what would you do here?

[Anonymous]

I assume that you are a woman and he is gay?

[Anonymous]

You say it blows up and drags on for days or weeks. You have a part in that. What about your behavior can you change to lessen that? Tell him you hate this once a year blowup and here's what you're going to do on your end to try to stop it - what can he do on his end?

And FYI I have ADHD and have strong friendships where we don't have fights. We have "it really annoys me when you do that, can you please do this instead?" and then the other person says "Oh sorry, sure!" and we carry on.

[Anonymous]

I remember reading a similar story on DCUM not too long ago. You either cut him off; or learn to keep your distance and recognize when he's trying to rile you up, so you step back instead of taking the bait.

[Anonymous]

I think him being an orphan is probably the biggest factor to this drama, and as you said, his strong reaction to perceived rejection.

I would talk about that directly with him and see if you can find a way to improve your communication so that if/when you have a disagreement, it doesn't trigger is his fears of abandonment. It is understandable for someone who lost both of their parents young to struggle with that and I would offer some forgiveness for that behavior and see if you can work together to help him work past it.

Also, it may be worth it to examine your own behavior. Sometimes when people are in relationships with people they perceive as "needy", it can trigger the impulse to push them away. So you wind up in a cycle where the more he pushes for closeness, the more you withdraw. This is a two-person tango. Solving it requires both of you to recognize the pattern and work to address your behavior.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I am considering ending things with my closest friend. While I love him to the moon, our friendship is dramatic at times and I don’t think I can take it anymore.

Whenever we disagree it blows up unnecessarily and drags out for days or weeks. We agree most of the time, so this happens like once a year but it’s so stressful to me.

Something that I think that adds fuel to the fire is that he has ADHD and is an orphan. I think he is hyper sensitive to perceived rejection.

He wants to meet to talk things out, what would you do here?

OP, the definition of an "orphan" is a child whose parents are dead. Does this friend refer to himself that way? Seems strange and an indicator of some real maturity issues.

[Anonymous]

OP here. I misspoke. He is adopted. His bio parents didn’t want him and later rejected him when he tried to reach out them as an adult. He struggles with it.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP here. I misspoke. He is adopted. His bio parents didn’t want him and later rejected him when he tried to reach out them as an adult. He struggles with it.

I doubt this is a true story then. Who calls their grown friend an orphan when they have parents? A troll.

[Anonymous]

OMG. It was a slip up. I was thinking orphan just means you were adopted.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OMG. It was a slip up. I was thinking orphan just means you were adopted.

Sure..

[Anonymous]

Since he IS a close friend, I would meet him to discuss this issue.

Let him know in no uncertain terms that he cannot deal with things the way he is now or you will have to walk away from this friendship.

Tell him that you do not want to do this but that you also cannot continue on w/the status quo.

And be firm and stick to your word on this.
Hopefully he will get it.

Best of luck to you.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OMG. It was a slip up. I was thinking orphan just means you were adopted.

So you have issues just as much as he does.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I think him being an orphan is probably the biggest factor to this drama, and as you said, his strong reaction to perceived rejection.

I would talk about that directly with him and see if you can find a way to improve your communication so that if/when you have a disagreement, it doesn't trigger is his fears of abandonment. It is understandable for someone who lost both of their parents young to struggle with that and I would offer some forgiveness for that behavior and see if you can work together to help him work past it.

Also, it may be worth it to examine your own behavior. Sometimes when people are in relationships with people they perceive as "needy", it can trigger the impulse to push them away. So you wind up in a cycle where the more he pushes for closeness, the more you withdraw. This is a two-person tango. Solving it requires both of you to recognize the pattern and work to address your behavior.

Why do we always encourage women to do all the emotional work and be understanding or find fault with themselves. Men do not do this. The friend is an azz, drop him. Stop trying to understand and rationalize it.

[Anonymous]

This situation sounds familiar, so just see your prior posts and read the advice given there.