Fun secrets and babysitter

[Anonymous]

My 5 year old told me that one of our babysitters (an older women) takes them to do “fun things” like getting chick fil a ice cream after school or watch a movie instead of reading a book before bed and says don’t tell your parents. I’d feel less weird about it if it were a teenager babysitter but is this a red flag coming from a 50 year old woman babysitter? Or am I overthinking it? Husband thinks I’m being ridiculous

[Anonymous]

I don’t like the “ don’t tell your parents” and kudos to your kid for telling you.
Not sure if I’d say it’s a red flag buf I wouldn’t like it either. A sitter should never tell a child not to tell a parent something, unless like they’re working on a surprise present for you or something.
Why would a movie replace a book at bedtime? Can’t they do both?
Are you overly strict possibly and the sitter wants to be seen as fun? I kinda get that if that’s the case.

[Anonymous]

Children shouldn't be asked to keep secrets from adults. It may not be nefarious on the part of this sitter, but it's completely inappropriate.

Some people talk about the different between secrets (bad) and surprises (good): https://www.dakotacac.org/secretsvssurprises/

In this case, what the sitter is doing is a surprise, yes, and would be fine if it wasn't also meant to be a secret.

[Anonymous]

My kids don’t get TV on school nights but I don’t limit it on weekends which I feel like is pretty normal. I’m also not overly strict about sweets but not an every night thing, and my kids don’t ask for them usually

[Anonymous]

It sounds like a "fun grandma" routine applied out of context.

An employee should not undermine their employer.

I would kindly tell the person that you don't mind a few special treats but you don't want your kid keeping secrets from you.

Very softly so as not to upset the person.

Frame it as changing the way the treat is presented/described to the kid.

[Anonymous]

This would be a hard no from me. I tell my kids regularly that if an adult tells them to keep a secret from their parents, that is not a safe person, they are not in trouble, but they should tell me right away. Sounds like your kid did the right thing.

I'd go to the babysitter and say "Look, I have no problem with you taking Larlo for special treats after school or watching a little TV before bedtime. He really enjoys his time with you, and some breaks in the routine make it even more special. But it's REALLY important to me that you don't tell him to keep secrets from me. I know in your case, it's totally harmless stuff. But secrecy is how child predators operate, so we've told him that an adult should never ask him to keep a secret from his parents. He did great - he came to us and told us, so that's good, but please don't do that in the future."

[Anonymous]

Not ok to say don’t tell your parents. Red flag.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Not ok to say don’t tell your parents. Red flag.

Red flag but also not a cool lesson to teach kids. Lying is never ever ok.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:This would be a hard no from me. I tell my kids regularly that if an adult tells them to keep a secret from their parents, that is not a safe person, they are not in trouble, but they should tell me right away. Sounds like your kid did the right thing.

I'd go to the babysitter and say "Look, I have no problem with you taking Larlo for special treats after school or watching a little TV before bedtime. He really enjoys his time with you, and some breaks in the routine make it even more special. But it's REALLY important to me that you don't tell him to keep secrets from me. I know in your case, it's totally harmless stuff. But secrecy is how child predators operate, so we've told him that an adult should never ask him to keep a secret from his parents. He did great - he came to us and told us, so that's good, but please don't do that in the future."

I like this advice.

OP, your kid is so sweet. He trusts you more than anyone else!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:This would be a hard no from me. I tell my kids regularly that if an adult tells them to keep a secret from their parents, that is not a safe person, they are not in trouble, but they should tell me right away. Sounds like your kid did the right thing.

I'd go to the babysitter and say "Look, I have no problem with you taking Larlo for special treats after school or watching a little TV before bedtime. He really enjoys his time with you, and some breaks in the routine make it even more special. But it's REALLY important to me that you don't tell him to keep secrets from me. I know in your case, it's totally harmless stuff. But secrecy is how child predators operate, so we've told him that an adult should never ask him to keep a secret from his parents. He did great - he came to us and told us, so that's good, but please don't do that in the future."

I would not include the pedophile comment but I agree that no one, regardless of their age should EVER tell a child to keep something from their parents (unless it is for a surprise!)

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:My 5 year old told me that one of our babysitters (an older women) takes them to do “fun things” like getting chick fil a ice cream after school or watch a movie instead of reading a book before bed and says don’t tell your parents. I’d feel less weird about it if it were a teenager babysitter but is this a red flag coming from a 50 year old woman babysitter? Or am I overthinking it? Husband thinks I’m being ridiculous

Fire her, quit your job and stay home and take care of your own kids so you can monitor their every thought and movement.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:This would be a hard no from me. I tell my kids regularly that if an adult tells them to keep a secret from their parents, that is not a safe person, they are not in trouble, but they should tell me right away. Sounds like your kid did the right thing.

I'd go to the babysitter and say "Look, I have no problem with you taking Larlo for special treats after school or watching a little TV before bedtime. He really enjoys his time with you, and some breaks in the routine make it even more special. But it's REALLY important to me that you don't tell him to keep secrets from me. I know in your case, it's totally harmless stuff. But secrecy is how child predators operate, so we've told him that an adult should never ask him to keep a secret from his parents. He did great - he came to us and told us, so that's good, but please don't do that in the future."

She will quit within a week.

[Anonymous]

I don't like that the sitter lies ie "Don't tell your parents" To me they are fired immediately.

Nope not ok

I am ok with the treats that wouldn't bother me it's the "don't" part

[Anonymous]

What in the word? It’s very obviously a red flag!

[Anonymous]

Huge red flag. First, I would talk to her to confirm that this is what has been happening. If so, I’d fire her as soon as I found someone else to replace her. The treats are fine. Telling children to keep secrets from their parents is not. I couldn’t trust her after that.