would you call an IEP meeting at this point?

[Anonymous]

DD is a high school freshman, with moderate to severe dyslexia, dysgraphia, dyscalculia and ADHD. She was in a SN needs in middle, which helped her some. She's working with a tutor on study habits and making sure she is doing her assignments, but she is often late or has missing assignments (she says she starts in class and runs out of time, then forgets to hand it in). She has an IEP, but is struggling in math, English and history. Her grades go up and down, but right now, she's essentially failing English and is borderline with math. Hanging in with history, but trending downward. I know she tries and she tries hard, but she is also not using all the accommodations provided to her such as extended time (she uses it sometimes, but most of the time says she doesn't need it) and audiobooks, bc I think she's embarrassed to use them (but she doesn't use them at home either, as far as I can tell.) She used these things at the SN school bc everyone did. She has a resource period at school.

She has a history of rushing through assignments, in part bc I think she doesn't want to be the last one finished. She also refuses to go visit her teachers during lunch, which is when they're available to help. She's rather hang with her friends. She went one time to one teacher and basically said, my mom made me come here.

She gets very defensive when we try to talk to her about her grades. It's like she thinks if she looks over her notes for an extra hour, it's all gonna get better. I don't think it will and I am worried, but I am not sure how to help her. I can't force her to see her teachers and I can't force her to use audio notes, etc. If she actually fails, she will be very upset. The worst part of failing, for her at least, is that she's an athlete as well, and we have told her that if she fails, she will not be able to play her sport anymore.

I have spoken with her teachers who keep emphasizing the audio notes, etc.

[Anonymous]

One thing I'd look at is having alternative means for turning in assignments, such as emailing them to the teacher. That way you could at least assist with ensuring everything gets turned in. Other than that, if she already has an IEP and she's just choosing not to access what's available to her, I'm not sure what the team can do for her. Thing about her grades is this. Depending on the school, you have to have a certain GPA to participate in sports and kids get removed as soon as report cards are issued. In my kids' school it was 2.5.

[Anonymous]

Thanks PP. I am thinking mostly of calling a meeting so that DD hears it from someone other than her parents and so that she understands what’s at stake, and that she seriously needs to ask for help/use the interventions.

There’s no guarantee she will do that much better using them, but at least she will be able to show that she did, and we can go from there.

[Anonymous]

I would call an IEP meeting with the teachers you mention here and see if the coach can come, AND your kid. Lay it all out and ask for suggestions. A sport is key to exercise and cognitive health, so I’d try to not cut that. Remember that her brain is likely a few years behind her chronological age, and she needs more teacher oversight than others her age. Point that out. Can she go back to the previous school?

And approach it all with the mindset that this must feel horrible for her and she’s not trying to screw up. While you can see clearly what she should, her brain just isn’t ready for that. She needs a written plan for each class with frequent adult check-ins. If each teacher can’t attend a meeting, then you and the kid meet with them independently. If she’s failing, then the IEP isn’t working. Is she in self-contained classes where there is more adult direction?

[Anonymous]

She cannot go back to the previous school bc frankly, they were disappointing (didn’t do the job we hoped) and we don’t have the money to send her. There is another school that might work for her but again, it’s a money issue. She wants to stay at the public; it’s where her friends are.

And yes, I agree with you. We know she isn’t trying to fail and is trying hard. Just not sure she knows exactly what to do or what to ask of her teachers. She’s in supported classes. (I’m not sure of all the terminology.)

The next level down (more supported) is largely kids with autism/some nonverbal. She does not belong there.

[Anonymous]

First PP here. My oldest has different disabilities, but he D'd out of HS. D in everything except PE and automotive technology. Your rationale for asking for a meeting is sound. I would do it. I'd also be talking to the school about options. We are in MCPS where there is an excellent vocational program starting in 10th or 11th grade depending on the program. It was a lifesaver for my son. I don't think he could have made it through HS without something positive in his day. You would not believe the change in his personality after getting in. I knew school was really draining him but seeing the change really brought it home. And, it made him marketable when he finished HS beyond minimum wage jobs.

I hope you find something that works.

[Anonymous]

Does she have a therapist? Is she properly medicated?

It seems you are fighting this battle on two fronts. She has a disability and she isn’t motivated (which I recognize is sometimes ADHD). She may be overwhelmed with what she needs to do to be successful. She hasn’t had the scaffolding set up to make the jump from special needs MS to mainstream HS, which is often an adjustment for “typical” learners.

I recommend going over her homework/classwork with her each night. Compliance is tied with phone or social time ect.

I’d be surprised if she is embarrassed about taking extra time, because it is sooooo common these days in the classroom. I would be willing to bet there are multiple kids that need this same accommodation in each of her classes. (I have a ADHD senior). If she’s rushing, I point to a lack of motivation or medication not working properly.

Some kids aren’t into school or aren’t mature enough, which is okay. But obviously, failing is not. Does she want to spend her summers in school retaking classes?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Thanks PP. I am thinking mostly of calling a meeting so that DD hears it from someone other than her parents and so that she understands what’s at stake, and that she seriously needs to ask for help/use the interventions.

There’s no guarantee she will do that much better using them, but at least she will be able to show that she did, and we can go from there.

IME, the team is more likely to say the you, the parent, are the problem because you just can't understand and aren't willing to accept that your kid is just not that bright. That's what our team did. OFC, they were wrong. But, I'm just saying, the IEP team is not your friend in that sense.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I would call an IEP meeting with the teachers you mention here and see if the coach can come, AND your kid. Lay it all out and ask for suggestions. A sport is key to exercise and cognitive health, so I’d try to not cut that. Remember that her brain is likely a few years behind her chronological age, and she needs more teacher oversight than others her age. Point that out. Can she go back to the previous school?

And approach it all with the mindset that this must feel horrible for her and she’s not trying to screw up. While you can see clearly what she should, her brain just isn’t ready for that. She needs a written plan for each class with frequent adult check-ins. If each teacher can’t attend a meeting, then you and the kid meet with them independently. If she’s failing, then the IEP isn’t working. Is she in self-contained classes where there is more adult direction?

That’s not an IEP meeting. They only need to invite one general ed teacher. There is no way they will have the coach come. Is the coach even an employee during the school day? An IEP meeting is not a time for all teachers to confront your kid together and have an intervention. It’s a time to review the IEP.

[Anonymous]

The school team needs to find a way to provide the accommodation whether she seeks it out or not. She’s not yet capable of accessing it on her own.

[Anonymous]

Well then, PP, if what we need is an intervention of sorts … how do I make that happen? It’s dang near impossible to have all these teachers on the same page. They have been responsive in email. And the school is so huge, I feel like they’re overwhelmed with their caseload and more responsive to the kids who ask for help, meanwhile, my kid is falling through the cracks.

[Anonymous]

Yes. And bring in the pediatrician, tutors, therapists, even if you have to pay them. That’s the only way to get their attention

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Well then, PP, if what we need is an intervention of sorts … how do I make that happen? It’s dang near impossible to have all these teachers on the same page. They have been responsive in email. And the school is so huge, I feel like they’re overwhelmed with their caseload and more responsive to the kids who ask for help, meanwhile, my kid is falling through the cracks.

You can’t. It’s really hard to parent a teen with SN or even one without. I have one of each. And I get you are hoping she will listen to other adults because sometimes they listen to others more than their parents. Having all of her teachers and coaches in the same room to tell her she must use her accommodations is not the answer. The teachers can’t make her use her accommodations if she doesn’t want to.

Your best bet is to have her be a part of the IEP process and find accommodations that are helpful to her and that she will use, as she moves forward and gets older.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Thanks PP. I am thinking mostly of calling a meeting so that DD hears it from someone other than her parents and so that she understands what’s at stake, and that she seriously needs to ask for help/use the interventions.

There’s no guarantee she will do that much better using them, but at least she will be able to show that she did, and we can go from there.

I agree with this. Our IEP team had such little faith they were pushing toward alternative diploma. We refused. They demanded IQ test (I presume to show us he was not bright). He has a normal IQ and the test showed that AND then they buckled down and got him help. It was a long process. Ugh.

IME, the team is more likely to say the you, the parent, are the problem because you just can't understand and aren't willing to accept that your kid is just not that bright. That's what our team did. OFC, they were wrong. But, I'm just saying, the IEP team is not your friend in that sense.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Thanks PP. I am thinking mostly of calling a meeting so that DD hears it from someone other than her parents and so that she understands what’s at stake, and that she seriously needs to ask for help/use the interventions.

There’s no guarantee she will do that much better using them, but at least she will be able to show that she did, and we can go from there.

IME, the team is more likely to say the you, the parent, are the problem because you just can't understand and aren't willing to accept that your kid is just not that bright. That's what our team did. OFC, they were wrong. But, I'm just saying, the IEP team is not your friend in that sense.

This, OP. Our IEP teams would have resented a request like this. When students won't hear a message from their parents, teams don't want to be dragged in to deliver the message in your stead. There are a few reasons for this. They are too busy. They don't trust that you are already doing all you can at home. Their goals for your DD aren't as broad or long-term as yours. They don't believe anything they could say would make a difference. I'm not saying that's how it should be.

I've worked in many schools and have seen meetings like you are hoping for. It can be done, and it can be life-changing for the teen. But in a public high school in the DMV in 2025 - even with an IEP team in place - you are likely to be told it's too tall an order.