How to handle this dynamic?

[Anonymous]

I started writing up a monologue with the back-story but it seemed like it go on forever so short take here:

Sister has a tantrum and jumps down my (and parents’ throat) at any minor inconvenience. If I say something to defend/explain, our mother will shush me and make it clear I should not be standing up to my sister. (I will note that my sister has had substance-abuse issues while living with our parents for the past five years and IMO parents have enabled it). The conversation will eventually turn into “aren’t you glad your sister is doing so much better. . . “

How do I handle this dynamic? I don’t want to participate in enabling my sister, which I have made clear. I also don’t want to tolerate her abuse of me or our parents. Do I just stay away if I can’t shut up as mother is basically asking me to do. . . ?

How would you handle?

[Anonymous]

Your parents are able bodied and cognitively sound adults so it's not your place to protect them from their own daughter against their will. All you can do is protect yourself and have your own boundaries.

My mother is protective of my Golden child, drama queen unemployed sister and gives her lots of financial gifts and enables galore. If I create any boundaries my mother intervenes (we are middle age, my sister is older than I am) so I cannot be with them together and I don't let my mother attempt to suck me into any of my sister's dramas. Sadly, it has created a lot of distance with my mother who is angry I won't play along, but I have my own family and have no time for enabling drama and chaos.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Your parents are able bodied and cognitively sound adults so it's not your place to protect them from their own daughter against their will. All you can do is protect yourself and have your own boundaries.

My mother is protective of my Golden child, drama queen unemployed sister and gives her lots of financial gifts and enables galore. If I create any boundaries my mother intervenes (we are middle age, my sister is older than I am) so I cannot be with them together and I don't let my mother attempt to suck me into any of my sister's dramas. Sadly, it has created a lot of distance with my mother who is angry I won't play along, but I have my own family and have no time for enabling drama and chaos.

Thanks, PP. Yes, this is where I realize I should be. My initial reaction is to attempt to protect but you are right that I just need to create my own boundaries and not be with them together. It is sad and will take me a while to accept that I won’t have the relationship with my parents that I would like, but I can only control so much. Thank you for the non-judgmental response.

[Anonymous]

I wouldn't hang out with the sister. She may not be using drugs, but she's still got Major Issues (as do your parents).

So I'd take mom out to lunch or Dad to see a movie or whatever, but wouldn't hang out with the three of them together. There's no way to have it go well.

[Anonymous]

OP here. I’ll add that not feeling comfortable in my own parents’ house is the worst part. It’s like sister has staked a claim there and anytime I try to help, she interjects or undermines. Yes, they are able-bodied and of sound mine, but they are at the age that they are starting to need help.

[Anonymous]

You take your parent out and see them out of their house, without your sister. You do not announce you're doing this, you just start doing it. See both of your parents. Also see each parent separately. Don't talk about your sister. Talk about other things. If you're afraid of too much conversation time, do something active. Or even a movie.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP here. I’ll add that not feeling comfortable in my own parents’ house is the worst part. It’s like sister has staked a claim there and anytime I try to help, she interjects or undermines. Yes, they are able-bodied and of sound mine, but they are at the age that they are starting to need help.

If your parents need some kind of home repair or bill paying help within the home, I would stick my ear buds in and go about the chores.

[Anonymous]

You MYOB
Let your mother deal w their druggie adult child they’re enabling.