Experiences from those who have done both private and public school?

[Anonymous]

We are in a high performing public school district where our 5th grade DS does average/below average academically. He has a diagnosis of inattentive ADHD and anxiety, currently medicated with Focalin. Extremely homogenous school/community demographic both ethnically and economically (he is one of very very few ethnic minorities).

He seems happy and has several casual friends/acquaintances, but does not seem to have a consistent friend group. He only does one individual sport, and does not enjoy team sports (even rec) which I think keeps him from connecting with others. Outside of athletics, there are very few additional activities to connect with kids that have shared interests.

We are looking at some of our local private schools where the emphasis is less on athletics and more on academics/non athletic extracurriculars. Interestingly, the local private schools have more ethnic diversity (albeit similarly homogenous economically). Has anyone been in a similar situation and have some input?

My concerns are both academic and social; he's a smart, fun kid but I feel like to some degree he's stuck underachieving academically and maybe not connecting as well as he could socially. Do we bother shaking things up? Would you stick it out in public and just get tutoring? Would you explore some of the private school options? To what degree could changing the social landscape encourage academic participation? I feel like 6th grade would be the last year we would consider moving him to a different school. Fortunately finances are not an obstacle. Appreciate any input!

[Anonymous]

I think the social aspect will depend on the specific cohorts at each public/private, but I can share our experience anyway as a data point.

Very similar kid. Didn't play the popular sports and had trouble connecting with larger, popular friend groups at our local ES.

Switched to private MS for middle school - mostly for the additional academic supports. Kid was able to mature a lot academically with the smaller class sizes but the small peer group was a mess. He just didn't click with any of them in the long run. And completely fell out of previous friend groups from public school.

After 1 year, switched back to public for MS/HS and have cycled through multiple friend groups ever since. We did do tutoring for a while, which helped. Public academic supports have been much better than expected and having more options socially has been great.

In the end, we regret the private school year but it may have been much different if he found his people there.

[Anonymous]

Thanks for sharing your experience, this kind of input is really helpful!

Anonymous wrote:I think the social aspect will depend on the specific cohorts at each public/private, but I can share our experience anyway as a data point.

Very similar kid. Didn't play the popular sports and had trouble connecting with larger, popular friend groups at our local ES.

Switched to private MS for middle school - mostly for the additional academic supports. Kid was able to mature a lot academically with the smaller class sizes but the small peer group was a mess. He just didn't click with any of them in the long run. And completely fell out of previous friend groups from public school.

After 1 year, switched back to public for MS/HS and have cycled through multiple friend groups ever since. We did do tutoring for a while, which helped. Public academic supports have been much better than expected and having more options socially has been great.

In the end, we regret the private school year but it may have been much different if he found his people there.

[Anonymous]

As a mom of a teen with ADHD that has been at public school and independent schools. Here are my thoughts:

"DS does average/below average academically" - he may have trouble getting into a lot of private schools if this is the case. Is he properly medicated? His performance should match his IQ.

"He seems happy and has several casual friends/acquaintances, but does not seem to have a consistent friend group." This is not unusual for this age, this is covered on DCUM a lot.

"he's stuck underachieving academically and maybe not connecting as well as he could socially." Generally, private schools are NOT better for socializing. The private school kids have been together since kindergarten and are like a family. It can be hard to break into these groups, especially with neurodivergence. Also, the private school class sizes are smaller than public - giving you less options to find your people.

It is possible that a private may offer more opportunities for non sport activities and your child would make connections there. However, you are making an assumption that your son's ADHD is not the problem here, instead that it is a lack of opportunities. Moving schools won't help if it is his social skills.

Academically speaking, private schools are generally much harder than public. Your child could rise to the occasion or struggle. You should do a DCUM search on the ones you are considering.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:As a mom of a teen with ADHD that has been at public school and independent schools. Here are my thoughts:

"DS does average/below average academically" - he may have trouble getting into a lot of private schools if this is the case. Is he properly medicated? His performance should match his IQ.

"He seems happy and has several casual friends/acquaintances, but does not seem to have a consistent friend group." This is not unusual for this age, this is covered on DCUM a lot.

"he's stuck underachieving academically and maybe not connecting as well as he could socially." Generally, private schools are NOT better for socializing. The private school kids have been together since kindergarten and are like a family. It can be hard to break into these groups, especially with neurodivergence. Also, the private school class sizes are smaller than public - giving you less options to find your people.

It is possible that a private may offer more opportunities for non sport activities and your child would make connections there. However, you are making an assumption that your son's ADHD is not the problem here, instead that it is a lack of opportunities. Moving schools won't help if it is his social skills.

Academically speaking, private schools are generally much harder than public. Your child could rise to the occasion or struggle. You should do a DCUM search on the ones you are considering.

"Academically speaking, private schools are generally much harder than public" I don't know about that generalization. Good public schools are more acaemically challenging than a lot of parochial schools or independant schools that have very different curriculums like Whaldorf, Sienna or others, each for very different reasons

[Anonymous]

Op, have 3 kids and first was at our local public before moving to private. We live in a wealthy neighborhood, which is not diverse (but getting more diverse) and we are Latino (white).

Moved the first to private in early elementary, DC has mild dyslexia, ADHD combined, and anxiety. At public school DC was getting shamed for poor behavior and school did not flag concerns with reading (we were very concerned). Private was much better about managing ADHD and supporting them academically while DC did tutoring for dyslexia.

Socially private schools are a mixed bag. DC has finally found their “group” this year — previously had friends but no real group. That was a bit challenging socially, but honestly DC is a but young for their age, so likely would have had a similar experience in public. (My other kids at their private also have ADHD but no social problems.)

DC now in middle school and while their grade is larger (~60) that’s still quite small. The good part of it is that all of DCs teachers and the support staff know and support them. DC is absolutely not lost, and they love it. Previously at their public DC did not know all the teachers /admin — they do at their current school.

Academically, DC is being pushed. Lower school was relatively easy, but in middle the teachers push all the kids academically, and the ones who can do more get pushed more - and this school is not one known as an academic powerhouse (k-8). Starting in 5th grade the school really works on executive function skills with the kids, and it shows — DC was a disaster in 4th grade but now managed all homework by themselves.

DC (now in 6th) had a number of kids start this year from public school - more than 10. All but 1 or 2 have found their social group by now. So not everyone, but most of the kids.

I honestly feel like DC would not be doing as well academically or socially if they had stayed in public school because I feel like DC would either get written off as poorly behaved and academically average. At their private, DCs teachers could see the gap between their academic performance and their ability/knowledge from interactions and push DC to close that gap.

DC is now doing well enough that I feel confident they would do well at a public high school, but I’m convinced enough of the value of an independent school education that I hope they stay at an independent school.

My final thought - while it’s a pain to apply this year and then apply again in a couple of years, consider a k-8. If it’s not a good fit, there is a relatively short time until a natural transition point back to public. I also think that middle school is where k-8 schools shine — the teachers all clearly love working with kids this age and it shows. And the school will deal with things like cyber bullying, etc, during a time when many kids are first getting onto social media.

[Anonymous]

I agree on K-8 for middle. That’s what we did and my ADHD/anxiety child blossomed. Lots of academic support, didn’t get lost in the shuffle and did well socially though it took some time. Back to public for high school

[Anonymous]

I have one in private and one in public. Two different kids with different needs.

I would keep him where he is because he is happy and doing okay. You aren’t going to find a perfect school. Your kid is happy. That is huge. I’ve found my kids had an easier time making friends in the large publics. More activities didn’t necessarily mean they joined them though.

One of my kids needed the structure and more traditional curriculum of the private school. He was not happy in the public school and asked to make the change.

[Anonymous]

I agree – – if your kid is happy and doing well, keep them where they are. You may need to make a change at a different point, but different kids need different things at different points. We have had two kids in both public and private at different stages just depending on their needs.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I agree – – if your kid is happy and doing well, keep them where they are. You may need to make a change at a different point, but different kids need different things at different points. We have had two kids in both public and private at different stages just depending on their needs.

+1

[Anonymous]

What you are describing sounds very normal for boys in our peer group whether public or private. The attachments are way more fluid and compared to the girl group drama I think it can be a good thing.

I would invest more in tutors and extracurricular classes like robotics that are fun but also educational. We have had a lot of luck with teenage neighbors as homework tutors.