introduce phone or smartwatch

[Anonymous]

DS has a few friends at school, but their friendships are not deep. I don't expect too much from 4th graders any way, and I am amazed/happy that he makes some friends on his own. Those so-called friends of his are quite loud & naughty in my eyes, same as DS hyperactive. They are only restricted to school friends only, and I have not met any of those parents. They do not seem to like to interact with me or arrange anything outside of school. I have tried to introduce him some nice and calm 4th graders boys to him and their moms and I get along. Unfortunately, DS find those boys boring.....and not fun. They don't mind seeing them (not sure what to do with them due to personalities differences) and they never bully or tease him at school. They all are from the same school, and they know each other. DH pushes me to connect with those parents of his so-called friends, it is quite hard for me to click with them. I am still trying. Right now, he has some same school friends that he makes on his own (their parents seem to be a bit difficult to interact with), some nice same school boys that he finds boring (their parents are nice and open to playdates if I want), and there are some potential same age scout and sport team boys that all attend different schools (their parents seem to be nice and not sure if they are open to playdates). I am thinking that if I give him a phone or smartwatch without internet, will that help him on any aspects of connecting more with his friends, and maybe expand his social friends? I have no problem with him at home with internet access watching youtube or playing video by himself. He has not watched any inappropriate things yet. He has not been introduced to use text messages, instant messages, group chats or multi players to play video games yet. He knows about them, but I believe mcps restrict cell phone uses at school site. Probably not many kids at his ages have cell phones or smartwatches yet. DH says that boys need to be introduced at an earlier age to play video games and phones to social or else they maybe get teased or out of many social opportunities outside of school. I want to hear any experiences when and how to introduce phone or smartwatch? Which one did you use? I definitely need to give him something before 6th grade (1.5 year from now) because he needs to walk home from middle school. I hear of Gabb phone or Gabb smartwatch which has zero internet access on the other forum. Is that the best one to introduce. is Gabb phone lame?

I post on special need forum because he has HFA and adhd. My main concern for phone or smartphone is 1) worried about stupid group text, text message or spread rumors from other kids or DS sending out 2) worried that he is obsessed with phone uses for whatever reason, make the situation worse. So far, at his school, there are only a few teasing from a group of boys that he hates at school, but other than that, he seems to get along or at peace with most of other kids. The funny thing is that I know those parents as well, and I seem to get along with them. I still talk to them whenever I see them, and the parents are aware that their boys do not get along with my son. For the last few years, I still don't know how to flip the situation over by making these boys getting over it. They are just annoyed at each other, and they decide not to talk or interact with each other at school unless it is mandatory. Mostly it is their boys fault, and I know DS has some annoying behaviors and talking too much probably make them hate him. I see almost all 4th grader boys are silly, immature, and act foolish in different ways. My current approach now is not to do anything because DS hates them for mistreating him, and they hate him for probably his annoying behaviors. They probably will go to same MS and HS, and I will see how it goes.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote: I am thinking that if I give him a phone or smartwatch without internet, will that help him on any aspects of connecting more with his friends, and maybe expand his social friends?

OP beware of thinking that any device, video game, or other shortcut can make any significant difference on connecting with friends. For a kid with HFA who has friends at school, I would hold off on introducing group texts as long as possible. Don't worry about the walk home from middle school for another 1.5 years. Focus on in-person time. Figure out the parent dynamics and work with what you have now.

[Anonymous]

Agree. Hold off as long as possible. Many kids this age just see kids at school and that’s enough

[Anonymous]

Neither for a 4th grader.
The earliest would be for MS.


My kid is fine without one, had friends and does activities etc.

[Anonymous]

Neither one. Doesn't need it.

[Anonymous]

Seeing people at school, having scouts and sports if fine.
Playdates are not needed.

[Anonymous]

There are going to be a lot of opinions about this, but my DS had trouble connecting with peers until he connected with them to play video games. This happened in middle school which for him was during the pandemic. After making those video game connections, it led to in person friendships. These same kids have now been his best friends for years. So it worked for him. I'm not sure what would have happened if now for the video games... would he have found and connected anyways? I don't know.

I think people discount the upsides of phones and video games after seeing this. Some kids just need a different way to connect.

[Anonymous]

1. No phone or watch yet
2. Ask DS’s teacher to place a note you’ve written in one your child’s friend’s backpack. Don’t force other kids on your son just because you like the mom.

[Anonymous]

NOOOO! I regret giving my oldest a smart phone in 7th grade. I’m not making the same mistake with my youngest who is in 5th grade, he will not get one until high school.

Please follow scrollingtodeath on Instagram.

[Anonymous]

We set my kids up with iMessage and a way to communicate with friends on the family iPad and/or old iPhones without cell service that didn’t leave the house in 5th grade. This was a long time ago, since mine are older teens, and I don’t know if kids are now communicating amongst themselves in 4th.

They used them on strict parental controls in common areas of the house. As they got older, we slowly gave them more access to apps and more privacy depending on them, their needs and their friends. Conversations on internet safety were ongoing.

One kid went out independently and farther earlier than the other. He got a phone first. Still heavily restricted but got more and more apps. Mine never wanted watches.

Now as teens neither have any restrictions at all but they can self manage well. We thought that was an important skill to learn and it took years.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:1. No phone or watch yet
2. Ask DS’s teacher to place a note you’ve written in one your child’s friend’s backpack. Don’t force other kids on your son just because you like the mom.

Do not do this. They are too old and no note will actually make it to the parent in 4th. It will stay crumpled in the bottom of the bag.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:There are going to be a lot of opinions about this, but my DS had trouble connecting with peers until he connected with them to play video games. This happened in middle school which for him was during the pandemic. After making those video game connections, it led to in person friendships. These same kids have now been his best friends for years. So it worked for him. I'm not sure what would have happened if now for the video games... would he have found and connected anyways? I don't know.

I think people discount the upsides of phones and video games after seeing this. Some kids just need a different way to connect.

I'm strongly against shooter video games for reasons due to personal experience, which I explained to my kid when I refused to by them. OFC his dad bought the games and console and let him play! I think it's especially true that boys make friendships thru video game play, as well as doing sports and following sports teams. I realized over time that the way that boys talk to each other and make friends has some differences from girls. In ES, I had to buy my kid Star Wars books and toys even though he wouldn't watch the movies because they were too scary for him - but all the boys loved those movies and talked/played incessantly. Without knowing "Star Wars language," it was hard for my kid to participate in friendship bids that had to do with Star Wars.

In retrospect, I think my ADHD kid needed more explicit explanations at an age-appropriate level about friendship bids, and spending time with kids reciprocally even when the proposed event was not interesting to DC. DC would often say no to friendship bids when the activity was something he didn't like - "no I don't want to go the baseball game with you" doesn't really help a friendship. He needed to learn alternative responses that allowed him to say no and propose something different.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote: I am thinking that if I give him a phone or smartwatch without internet, will that help him on any aspects of connecting more with his friends, and maybe expand his social friends?

OP beware of thinking that any device, video game, or other shortcut can make any significant difference on connecting with friends. For a kid with HFA who has friends at school, I would hold off on introducing group texts as long as possible. Don't worry about the walk home from middle school for another 1.5 years. Focus on in-person time. Figure out the parent dynamics and work with what you have now.

Another upvote here