Anyone pull back support for child’s 1st choice because they may not be ready?

[Anonymous]

For context- my senior had really great grades up until senior year. He is AUDH but does not accept his challenge and limitations.he is also exceedingly bright. Up until this year, we have double checked everything and basically been his admin assistant, which he needed but resented. It’s not the content. It’s the execution: not using organizational systems, not wanting to work with an EF coach, not submitting assignments, wanting to submit crap work because they were non-preferred subjects (which we did not let him and made him redo), not using the accommodations we fought hard to get like extra time and using a computer for in-class writing assignments.

This year, he says he is tired of coaches, tutors, etc and wants to manage things on his own. He’s rigid enough that he will just do things his way. But, we’ve let him manage all on his own. And he’s doing…fine. Not great but mostly A’s and some B’s and a B-/c+ in AP Calculus (which is not because he doesn’t understand content but because he makes careless errors). He is lucky that he already has several good choices to choose from for school and I anticipate him getting into rigorous engineering schools. He has applied to several “safeties” that are good schools and several of those are fairly small which I think it would be good for him. If he applied with the grades he has now, he’d probably get in. He would not get into the big state schools he really likes like GA Tech among other that he has a shot at getting in.

We were thinks of having a conversation about our comfort level of paying for an expensive OOS school with his current grades and would like to see improvement and we can decide at the appropriate time which schools but we are not inclined to pay for these OOS schools with high rigor unless we see improvement in grades or (what I would like to see more than anything) a
level of insight of his challenges and being proactive about those.

[Anonymous]

It is your job as a parent to support your kid. It’s the college’s job, not yours, to decide if your student is prepared to attend.

I would separate financial decisions from this issue. Figure out what you can pay for and communicate that. Don’t make a movino range based on your own evaluation of how the kid’s doing. That’s overly controlling and not your role.

[Anonymous]

He gets in - he goes. He's earned it.

[Anonymous]

OP, we will all assume you really did *your* job and knew honestly, ahead of applications, how much you were willing to pay. Too many families use as an excuse "the kid's not ready"

[Anonymous]

OP you do instate schools

Kids need to understand financial ramifications.

There is nothing wrong with a state school. This forum is absurd.

[Anonymous]

My AUDHD kid similarly struggles with EF. When we backed off (at his request) senior year, his grades plummeted. We told him that we wouldn't pay for college without a reasonable likelihood of success, which we didn't then see. He accepted a spot at his first choice school, deferred for a year, and is taking community college classes while supported by an EF coach. Knowing what's waiting for him next year is a huge motivator and he's doing so much better than he did in high school. We will probably keep the EF coach next year, but I feel much more confident about his ability to be successful.

[Anonymous]

We're dealing with this for a kid at TJ that apparently never before in his life studied for a single exam and got As at a competitive, highly ranked school (not TJ). He's also fighting hard on all the areas you mention. If I don't see improvement by senior year and he wants to go to an expensive school he gets to take out some loans for the first year. I want him to have skin in the game. I'll pay off the loans if he survives. If not, he has to pay the loans.

[Anonymous]

BTDT, and we trusted our son's college choices. Why? Because he's autistic and rigid. He has to LIKE a school to do well, just like he has to LIKE a subject to do well. That's the story of his life, and it's typical of those with ADHD and autism. They cannot tolerate boredom or non-preferred tasks, or stuff they just don't like.

People who haven't raised a kid like this might think this is enabling them, but I can guarantee that with my husband and son's AuDHD, I've seen the fallout when they're placed in a non-preferred environment. My husband has been let go from many jobs, and has found success in jobs that he loved. My son will be the same. There's just no stretch there at all.

DS was accepted at all his safeties and targets. The last choice came down to W&M or GW (for political science), and he chose GW. He was accepted honors at UMD, his state school, but they don't have a great political science department, so we are paying significantly more for the better department elsewhere. Because this is how my son will thrive.

And he is thriving.

Trust your kid.

[Anonymous]

PP is just plain nuts paying for GW over in state honors Maryland. I mean, wow.

In OP's case, your problem is you waited until it was too late to say what you're willing to pay for. You should have said earlier that he's limited to in state. You can't turn around now and say that it all depends on senior year grades. That's ridiculous.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:We're dealing with this for a kid at TJ that apparently never before in his life studied for a single exam and got As at a competitive, highly ranked school (not TJ). He's also fighting hard on all the areas you mention. If I don't see improvement by senior year and he wants to go to an expensive school he gets to take out some loans for the first year. I want him to have skin in the game. I'll pay off the loans if he survives. If not, he has to pay the loans.

Federal student loans are limited. He can only borrow 5500 for first year himself. Other loans would be signed by you.

[Anonymous]

But he sounds like he is doing fine without all of your support and doing it on his own. That’s good. Maybe it isn’t perfect but he’s being independent and that’s amazing.

As you said, mostly As with some B’s and possibly a C+ in AP calc add great grades for a senior. Do you know how many get senioritis and can’t even do those with nagging from parents in senior year?

Take his lead and let him choose now. -HS teacher

[Anonymous]

OP, mostly As and some Bs is not failing. Many, many kids struggle in AP calc for many different reasons. It sounds to me like he's doing just fine.

I would let him go wherever he gets in that you can reasonably afford.

Some kids experience a bumpy ride when they get to a top college, but not all do. I would let him handle it. Have some confidence that he will figure out what he needs to do.

If anything, I'd feel better about such a kid attending a top school where peers may be more nerdy and more likely to model good study behaviors than an inexpensive state school with a much wider variety of peer study habits.

[Anonymous]

This is OP and I appreciate the responses. To be clear, we are not thinking about limiting the choices to in-state schools but to good schools (some private and two which have offered merit already) which are his safeties and would accept a student with the grades he has now. We want him to have some skin in the game in his future and set him up for success at college.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:It is your job as a parent to support your kid. It’s the college’s job, not yours, to decide if your student is prepared to attend.

I would separate financial decisions from this issue. Figure out what you can pay for and communicate that. Don’t make a movino range based on your own evaluation of how the kid’s doing. That’s overly controlling and not your role.

Not true. The college doesn't know about the DS's or parents' struggles. OP, your kid needs a gap year and a job. You need to then start investigating disability services at the various colleges you are looking at, and go and visit and find out exactly what they will do for your kid. If your testing is more than 3 years old, they may ask you to renew.

[Anonymous]

DD has heart set on attending Columbia. She can handle a bullhorn well with her right hand, but left still needs work. Also, not enough facial piercings.