Parents, how do you make new friends as adults?
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Anonymous
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Parents of two toddlers. We've been living in Montgomery County for a few years, relocated from another state. People told us we'd make friends with our neighbors and/or fellow preschool parents. But despite hosting a few parties for our neighborhood and having a handful of families over for individual brunches/playdates, it's not really happening! My husband and I are both social. We seemed to have an easier time making friends before we had kids, living in another state. We both work but have low stress jobs. It's not a matter of not being around. I have wondered if it's something post-COVID. Are neighbors not inviting each other over or are kids not really playing (safely) in their front yards anymore? How do you all make friends at this phase of life? |
Anonymous
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Hmm, I’m surprised you haven’t made daycare friends. But maybe when your kids switch schools, there will be a new wave.
Ime new adults friendships come from two places: One, you meet someone who has also moved and is looking for new friends. A lot of people just feel “full” and they don’t have room/time for new people, so things like coffee dates aren’t going to happen with them. But the people looking for friends are out there so if they happen to connect, it can grow. Two, shared enterprise. PTO, a neighborhood group, a sports team/club, art class, a common enemy like a proposed public statue of taylor swift, work colleagues, whatever -shared enterprise forges friendships. Often having little kids is shared enterprise and that’s why it works for making friends. It can still work for you. |
Anonymous
| My son is older (9), but I didn't start to make friends until he started with sports and other activities in Kindergarten. |
Anonymous
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Do you belong to your neighborhood pool? That’s how we made a lot of friends.
I’m fairly introverted and moved here two years ago. But as a wfh person I felt like I needed neighborhood friends. Ours friends mostly have kids the same age as ours, even at different schools, but are all on the swim team, or played together in the baby pool etc. It’s awesome in the summer to just text hey heading to the pool at 6 and have friends there! |
Anonymous
| It took a LOT of going to events I didn’t want to go to, making small talk at sports practice, and being alert to people who were new to the area and forcing myself to reach out. I agree with the people who said it didn’t happen for them until kids were in school. |
Anonymous
| When you had parents over for events and play dates, did you feel like you clicked with any in particular? Have you done smaller invites? Like just you and kids with one other parent and their kid? I never found the big neighborhood parties that conducive to friendships. |
Anonymous
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Lots of putting myself out there. Offering up my house. Offering ideas for "adventures" with the kids. Sending links for rec activities and "lets do this." Offering to drive. Never, ever flaking unless it was a true emergency. Then after drop-off "are you free? Do you want to..."
Even with all that I rarely click with someone and half the time they end up moving away after we do click. |
Anonymous
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Neighborhood pool
School events Neighborhood events Walking dogs Playground Book clubs Keep repeating, keep inviting |
Anonymous
When you extend these invitations, do people accept? |
Anonymous
+1 I don't know why but it sort of clicked more for us once kids were 4+. That's when they start wanting to play with friends / playdates and parents realize that joining forces makes things easier. |
Anonymous
They always accept, I'm good at sniffing out the moms who are open to this stuff. I steer clear of the alpha popular types. |
Anonymous
| MoCo is not the friendliest place, for starters. |
Anonymous
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Maybe attempt to make friends outside of your kids spaces I've made some great friends at work, yoga, the gym, hair salon. Those friends invite me/us over -- we meet others through those gatherings as well. |
Anonymous
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I would start a hyper local group, but wouldn’t call it a mothers group. “Silver Springs Gatherings for young families” or something like that. I did in my new city. Quite honestly, it was very appreciated.
We made attractive flyers and asked to post them at places in our neighborhood where we knew similar profile families would see them: the pediatrician (goldmine to post in the waiting room and each of the patient rooms), library, favorite cafe, children’s clothing shop, preschools whose philosophy was aligned with our parenting style, etc… I even handed a few out (made half size for this purpose as no one wants a full sheet) to other parents at a restaurant we frequent. I swear those were the key. They looked tasteful (yup, signaling. Not going to pretend I am someone else), were clear about the age group, and gave off a vibe that the group would be fun. It listed our first three meetups, so people had a choice/flexibility to attend. We added a small note at the bottom that we especially welcome families who are new to the area. Make it parents, not just mums. The first meetup was at a toddler park. The second at a library where we had reseved a story room. The third was at a small, local beach picnic on a warm weekend afternoon. The last one was the most attended, and cemented things. All spots had coffee shops adjacent that were noted with the destination. We would have 1:1 weekday:Saturday gatherings. We grew an organic email list when people sent me their email or offered it in person at an event. I then asked the two women I liked the most to join me in organizing. It’s not so much work to send meet up emails or make a flyer, but we met for a glass of wine to make some plans. Voila! We had a common interest/goal, and put energy into this. We continued to grow it, small splinter groups formed, emails became smaller WhatsApp group chats, and it lasted three years. But my core group came from that group in my new city. And several other friendships that have nothing to do with me also formed. My husband found his cycling group through one of the dads. I’m happy to have sparked that. Be the person who wants good things for themself, and also for other people. Once the kids hit elementary school, a whole new group was added to our life and things moved on organically. But I guarantee you are not the only one in your situation. It never hurts to try. |
Anonymous
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OP here: These are good ideas.
My observation is that parents are either: 1. Exhausted from overwork & don’t plan social things with preschool families aside from birthday parties (many nannies do drop-off / pick up at our school) as they are kind of just being pulled along by the tow of life rn 2. In the case of my neighbors who also have young kids they are largely two FT parents and are also seemingly too tired to socialize on weeknights, and on weekends we mostly see them pulling their cars in & out of their driveways 3. May want to make friends but are shy (the case with most dads I’ve met) The pool is a good idea. Our kids are too young for swim team. Maybe in a couple years |