Integrating into friend groups

[Anonymous]

I’ve been dating a guy for a few months. Recently he started bringing me to get-together with his friends (who are mostly co-workers) and I am having such a hard time integrating.

Mostly, they talk about stuff from work, other friends, or past events they’ve done. I’ve done the standard asking about their work/kids/etc, but we run out of things to talk about pretty quickly. Nobody has asked me anything about myself, and I don’t want to be that person who is randomly bringing up their own job or kids. So most of the time I end up just sitting there quietly while they talk about things I can’t really participate in.

Any tips for integrating into friend groups better?

[Anonymous]

Your boyfriend should be facilitating this. Does he not bring you into conversations when he sees you sitting there quietly? Or start conversations he knows you can contribute to?

[Anonymous]

How often do you have to hang out with these people? If it's less than three times a month, I'd just keep doing what you re doing and not worry about it. If it's more than that, that sucks. They're being rude, not to include you more.

[Anonymous]

You need to hang out with one or two at a time, doing an activity together to bond. Then they'll bring you into the fold.

Ask what they're watching on Netflix, what they're doing for the upcoming holidays, etc. And tell your boyfriend to pave the way a bit more - he needs to suggest banning work talk at social events, and introduce you to his NON work friends.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:How often do you have to hang out with these people? If it's less than three times a month, I'd just keep doing what you re doing and not worry about it. If it's more than that, that sucks. They're being rude, not to include you more.

He’s very social and wants to see them 2-3 times a week.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:You need to hang out with one or two at a time, doing an activity together to bond. Then they'll bring you into the fold.

Ask what they're watching on Netflix, what they're doing for the upcoming holidays, etc. And tell your boyfriend to pave the way a bit more - he needs to suggest banning work talk at social events, and introduce you to his NON work friends.

OP. This is a good idea. We did hang out with another couple at their house today, but it was still pretty much the same and then they ended up just playing on their phones and watching sports. I’m thinking maybe I’ll skip the “hang out at the house” get togethers and stick with actual activities. Unfortunately most of them seem to be the “come over and just hang out” types.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:How often do you have to hang out with these people? If it's less than three times a month, I'd just keep doing what you re doing and not worry about it. If it's more than that, that sucks. They're being rude, not to include you more.

He’s very social and wants to see them 2-3 times a week.

oh hell no

how old are you? twenties?

I would find this very tiresome.

how old are you? people naturally start spending less time with friends as they get married, have kids, move to suburbs, etc.

[Anonymous]

I don't think you need to go to all his hang outs. He's free to go you can miss some.

At a minimum you have other responsibilities like being a mom he can't expect you'll be able to attend all the time.

I don't really understand why you can't talk about your kids or ask about there's. Like if last time they were talking about trying to find a labubu for larla you can ask if they found it etc.

Ask questions about stuff.
Weekend plans, holidays.

[Anonymous]

Is he hanging out with your friends? What are those interactions like?

[Anonymous]

Are you just hanging out with his male co-workers or are their wives there? What are your ages?

[Anonymous]

something about this seems off. If he is getting together with this crowd 2-3 times a week, and he expects you to attend regularly, and you do not feel included and do not enjoy it, and he does not seem to notice or care, and you are not comfortable integrating yourself - it sounds like the relationship is not great.

Do you have other prospects or ways of meeting potential new boyfriends, or is he your best remaining option?

[Anonymous]

He and his friends sound dull.

[Anonymous]

Is he a serial monogamist? If so, it's possible he's brought several women around and they don't want to make much effort with someone who won't be around for long. I have friends like that.

Otherwise, just keep doing what you're doing. Good luck!