I do not feel like I’m able to do this

[Anonymous]

I am mostly venting, but my oldest is now a teenager with ADHD and anxiety and has always been difficult, argumentative, etc. He’s doing well overall, but I feel like our relationship is rocky. It feels like our interactions are brief and often contentious. I’m working on just being present and not trying to control, etc. I’m trying to figure out ways to connect.

Meanwhile, I am stressed myself with everything that’s going on in the world, going through perimenopause, worried about my job. It just feels like too much and I don’t feel like I Have the energy and ability to deal with an SN kid like when they were younger.

I am restarting therapy, but mostly just wanted to write up how I feel

[Anonymous]

OP I am glad you got this out there. No advice but ((((OP))))

[Anonymous]

I have a similar 15 year old, throw in pda.
I don't know if this is helpful, but I had a therapist (the best therapist he ever had) say to me when he was younger "But, is it clinical or is it normal childhood challenges?".
My son was sooo challenging when he was younger that I looked at every behavior through an adhd/anxiety/dmdd lens. I had to stop and remind my self that all kids can be difficult at time (far less then SN challenges, but still there). That helped me re-frame his behavior at times
Anyways, as a teen he is still challenging, but every parent I know is struggling with their teens. Struggling with their relationships, struggling with connecting.
When he was destroying the house at 8 years old, I didn't connect with other parents about this because they just didn't understand.
But when I talk about moodiness, retreating to his room, not talking to me, I am now on par with other parents, they commiserate and agree.
So, I guess what I am saying is even though it's still really hard with my son, I can sometimes celebrate their "normal " teen behavior.

As far as connecting, I connect whenever I can and sometimes it's on stupid topics that I have no interest in. Or I don't like his opinions, but if I catch a reaction, I chase it ...I'll argue with him about cars even though I know nothing and don't care about cars, because it gets him talking. That often leads into other topics.
Or I'll ask him about some meme I saw. 🤷🏼

[Anonymous]

Yes, some ADHD kids like to argue- apparently it increases their dopamine. They are also at the age they developmentally need to separate from parents- so that adds to the conflict. Most conversations I have with my kid is when I am driving him somewhere.

[Anonymous]

Yes, big hugs to you. The teen years are hard. People have rocky relationships with short, contentious interactions with their neurotypical teenagers too, but then you have to deal with ADHD and anxiety on top of that. Those disorders make parenting extra hard no matter the age of the child. Most of us didn’t have our kids by our mid-twenties, so our kids’ teenage years are aligning with our own midlife issues. Put it all together and you’ve got the perfect storm.

All we can do is take it one day at a time. Most days will be okay, not great, maybe not even good, but okay. Some days will be bad. A few days will feel unbearable. Once in a while, we have a good day. If we’re lucky, we might have 1-2 fantastic days. That’s all normal. Teens and their parents have to grow apart so kids can leave home and live on their own. Life is preparing you and your son for that. All you can do is to prepare him for independence the best that you can. There will be setbacks and there will be triumphs.

Please work self care into your routine. Meet up with a friend and unload. Let the people who love you know that you’re in a rough patch. Talk to your doctor and see if you should be screened for depression or anxiety. Prioritize sleep; take something to help you sleep if necessary. Everything is more overwhelming when we’re tired. Do something nice for yourself. It’s not selfish; it’s an investment in your son’s primary caregiver.

[Anonymous]

Hugs. It’s so hard.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Yes, big hugs to you. The teen years are hard. People have rocky relationships with short, contentious interactions with their neurotypical teenagers too, but then you have to deal with ADHD and anxiety on top of that. Those disorders make parenting extra hard no matter the age of the child. Most of us didn’t have our kids by our mid-twenties, so our kids’ teenage years are aligning with our own midlife issues. Put it all together and you’ve got the perfect storm.

All we can do is take it one day at a time. Most days will be okay, not great, maybe not even good, but okay. Some days will be bad. A few days will feel unbearable. Once in a while, we have a good day. If we’re lucky, we might have 1-2 fantastic days. That’s all normal. Teens and their parents have to grow apart so kids can leave home and live on their own. Life is preparing you and your son for that. All you can do is to prepare him for independence the best that you can. There will be setbacks and there will be triumphs.

Please work self care into your routine. Meet up with a friend and unload. Let the people who love you know that you’re in a rough patch. Talk to your doctor and see if you should be screened for depression or anxiety. Prioritize sleep; take something to help you sleep if necessary. Everything is more overwhelming when we’re tired. Do something nice for yourself. It’s not selfish; it’s an investment in your son’s primary caregiver.

Op here—I truly appreciate your response

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Yes, big hugs to you. The teen years are hard. People have rocky relationships with short, contentious interactions with their neurotypical teenagers too, but then you have to deal with ADHD and anxiety on top of that. Those disorders make parenting extra hard no matter the age of the child. Most of us didn’t have our kids by our mid-twenties, so our kids’ teenage years are aligning with our own midlife issues. Put it all together and you’ve got the perfect storm.

All we can do is take it one day at a time. Most days will be okay, not great, maybe not even good, but okay. Some days will be bad. A few days will feel unbearable. Once in a while, we have a good day. If we’re lucky, we might have 1-2 fantastic days. That’s all normal. Teens and their parents have to grow apart so kids can leave home and live on their own. Life is preparing you and your son for that. All you can do is to prepare him for independence the best that you can. There will be setbacks and there will be triumphs.

Please work self care into your routine. Meet up with a friend and unload. Let the people who love you know that you’re in a rough patch. Talk to your doctor and see if you should be screened for depression or anxiety. Prioritize sleep; take something to help you sleep if necessary. Everything is more overwhelming when we’re tired. Do something nice for yourself. It’s not selfish; it’s an investment in your son’s primary caregiver.

I love this so much.
-a tired parent with SN and NT kids