Keeping friendships in HS

[Anonymous]

Any other teen struggling with this? I think it’s natural progression of HS and people growing apart from MS friendships but teen taking it hard. How do I support this and encourage new friendships?

[Anonymous]

It's totally natural. I know that doesn't make it any easier. But maybe it helps to know that some of the other kids are looking for new friends too.

[Anonymous]

This is so normal. Cliche response, but I think you have to encourage the activities your kid loves and things that can help them develop independence and people skills.

I feel like friendships fall off a lot at two points—one around 3rd grade when the parent engineered and little kid friendships fall away and kids start to pick their own friends and again around early high school.

[Anonymous]

It makes me sad as my child doesn’t have many friends and when those are dropping, I can’t help but think it’s my child struggle with all right now or if it’s normal. It feels like one more thing..

[Anonymous]

It’s painful to watch your child struggle with friendships and then be hurt when they move on. Change is hard. Change feels extra harder for some SN teens.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Any other teen struggling with this? I think it’s natural progression of HS and people growing apart from MS friendships but teen taking it hard. How do I support this and encourage new friendships?

I think that depends on how disabled they are. If they are mildly socially disabled, just reiterate that it's normal and encourage them to continue to participate in activities with peers related to their interests. Be "helpful"; offer to host the sleepover or be the driver/chaperone for whatever event they want to go to if they are not driving yet.

If they are more socially disabled, you may also have to find specific activities for them involving teens at a similar social level. My teen with autism has no behavior challenges but he does have LD and emotionally is at least 2-3 years behind NT peers. He is 17 but has made friends aged 15-19 through a couple of activities that involve ND teens and also teens who are cool with ND (usually because they have a sibling on the spectrum). There is no way he could just plop down in a group of public school NT 17 year olds and make friends. He did have NT friends in elementary school but by middle school they were drifting apart. I gave him the same "it's normal" talk but I could see what the issue was so I also started trying to find other places for him to make friends. I've been way more hands on about it than parents of NT teens are: looking for clubs and groups; messaging other parents to suss out the vibe and see if it might be a good fit, etc. People on these boards will call you a helicopter but the truth is if you have a kid who isn't ready for social independence and you expect them to make friends completely independently, they will likely have no friends.

Also, as he's gotten older I've talked to him more explicitly about his diagnosis and pointed out that NT teens were often interested in things that he wasn't interested in yet, like dating and college, and that he might find he had more in common with teens on the spectrum. This was helpful in encouraging him to actually try some of these activities I found.

[Anonymous]

Encouraging your teen to try different activties/groups at their high school is important related to their interests, but also just new. Many high schools have activities during the lunch time so it serves the purpose of giving them something to do beyond saying no friends to eat lunch with. Learning to participate in a group setting is a step toward developing learning how to maintain one-to-one peer relationships. Also in some cases even with those with more mild social or communication lack of skills, finding a therapist to help them figure out ways to address personal concerns and deficits can be key. Sometimes it is harder for the parent to hear a teen goes to an activity, enjoys it, mentions not direct peer interaction --- but does enjoy it. The parent can be more upset than the teen. but recognize your teen needs to start somewhere.

Also, if you see your child has an interest try and develop skills in the area in the early years as it may help with an entre into a group in middle school - or even more high school - such as sports skills to participate in a community sport or club or team sport in MS and HS or to manageone, instrument skill to participate in band or orchestra. Also if the are interested in volunteering this could be an outlet if encouraged in joining a service group. We have seen a granddaugter blossom in high school combining both strategies - personal development with a therapist, skills development early in a sport and on an instrument, and an openness to try clubs at high school. It has been a struggle at times, but the forward steps are so encouraging and again the parent needs to separate their angst for their teen from their teen 's actual feelings in a situation.