Advice for coming out (son)

[Anonymous]

I'm the mom of a gay teen DS (and older teen). I have known for a while. He is out to his friends and brothers but not his Dad (my husband). I love my husband but one of his less admirable qualities is that he is pretty homophobic. My son is ready to come out to his Dad and I fully support my son. However, I am worried about my husband's reaction. Is there anyone who has been in this situation either as the mom, son or Dad and can offer any advice? I don't want my son being hurt by my husband's reaction. I'm also worried about my husband being upset with me for not being open with him. At the same time, I think it's important for my son to be out to his Dad so he can be his true self. Anyway, just looking for some support and perhaps advice. Thank you.

[Anonymous]

What does your son want to do and how does he want to handle it? I would follow his lead and be clear to him in your words and your actions that you are fully on his side on this issue. No wavering.

Your husband is going to be who he's going to be and it might cost him his relationship with his son. He'll either rise to the occasion or it will be revealed he's a terrible person. Sorry OP. That will be a tough pill to swallow.

[Anonymous]

Does your husband have any suspicions?

I feel like parents are rarely truly surprised these days. Would your son want you to lay some groundwork? How is their relationship right now?

I hope your husband handles it like a responsible, loving father.

[Anonymous]

Have not dealt with this issue. But, if there is something that one of my kids will be telling my spouse and I have a good reason to believe that my spouse will have a bad reaction, I tell my spouse in advance. That has worked well for us. Surprises would not work well in our family and the harm would be worse from the bad reaction than from my kids finding out that I had prepared my spouse.

[Anonymous]

Will your son let you talk to Dad ahead of time, with his permission?

It might be better if you get the visceral reaction 1:1. People are so weird when they are surprised. They say scarring things they regret quickly. Also as parents, you will undoubtedly talk privately about this many times.

I've had friends "come out" to me but not children. What gets said in that moment is really important. If your son knows your husband's mindset, maybe he'll agree to give your husband a chance to think before speaking.

[Anonymous]

I’m a 48 year old gay man, married to my husband for 25 years.

Sounds like you always knew your husband was a bigot but tolerated it so long as your own family wasn’t directly affected. Frankly it’s not clear if you will tolerate it even if your family is directly affected.

I think this makes you a bad person and a bad role model for your children. I don’t know if it also makes you a bad parent to your son. Quite possibly.

[Anonymous]

At the end of the day, your husband is either going to accept your son or he isn’t. In the worst case scenario you will have to choose between them. Hopefully it doesn’t come to that and he realizes gay people are just like everyone else.

[Anonymous]

Thank you all for taking the time to comment. I really truly appreciate it. To the poster who called me a bad person - I don’t disagree. I have tremendous guilt about the situation. For further background, my husband comes from an Asian culture and I have seen how his parents bigoted views have formed his own. He has been able to break away from some of his upbringing but not all. At least yet, in my respects my husband can be more empathetic than me and I truly honestly hope the person I married is a decent person who can continue to love and support his son despite his sexuality. If he can’t, I know I will need to leave him. It’s not really a question in my mind. But I want to minimize the harm - not to myself but to my son and his siblings.

[Anonymous]

I would tell him in advance and tell him to figure out his emotions before his son tells him. His reaction your son will never forgot.

[Anonymous]

Talk to your son first and ask if he wants you to tell your husband, or if he wants you to be there when he does. Follow his lead, but strategize together on what the best time, place & approach might be.
Then be 100% supportive of your son, in both private and public conversations.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Talk to your son first and ask if he wants you to tell your husband, or if he wants you to be there when he does. Follow his lead, but strategize together on what the best time, place & approach might be.
Then be 100% supportive of your son, in both private and public conversations.

This. In this case, you telling your husband will mean your son doesn’t have risk seeing something he can never unsee, if your husband has a negative initial reaction.

It sounds like you will leave your husband if he can’t get on board with supporting your son? That’s the right thing to do, so that’s good.

Please let us know how it turns out.

[Anonymous]

Oh FFS. If Dick Cheney can embrace his lesbian daughter's marriage, your husband can cope with a gay son.

Are his grades good?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Thank you all for taking the time to comment. I really truly appreciate it. To the poster who called me a bad person - I don’t disagree. I have tremendous guilt about the situation. For further background, my husband comes from an Asian culture and I have seen how his parents bigoted views have formed his own. He has been able to break away from some of his upbringing but not all. At least yet, in my respects my husband can be more empathetic than me and I truly honestly hope the person I married is a decent person who can continue to love and support his son despite his sexuality. If he can’t, I know I will need to leave him. It’s not really a question in my mind. But I want to minimize the harm - not to myself but to my son and his siblings.

It is 2026. Your husband probably knows and is already cool with it.

[Anonymous]

I would definitely ask if you can tell your DH first. My DH is not at all homophobic, but I did ask (and receive permission) to tell him in advance.
Yes, it's possible not to know. We did not know- our son has social anxiety so we viewed a lot of his behavior through that lens without considering other possibilities. I was very surprised when my son told me, and in fact the first thing I said was "really?" Not in a judgmental way but out of shock. I quickly pulled myself together and followed up with "That's fine, we love you and want you to be happy. If you want to talk further about it let me know."

I knew my husband would be surprised and doesn't always react well or quickly to anything he didn't predict (positive or negative). I wanted to be sure he was ready with the right words when my son spoke with him.