Helping child break into social scene

[Anonymous]

We are new this year to strong all boys school. My son is a middle schooler. We are also new to the DC area. Being new is always a process but its been tougher than I anticipated for my son. Looking for some suggestions on how to help him navigate the social scene. We live in DC proper and not a part that has a lot of other families. Willing to spend some money but not a country club membership amount of money. We are west coasters.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:We are new this year to strong all boys school. My son is a middle schooler. We are also new to the DC area. Being new is always a process but its been tougher than I anticipated for my son. Looking for some suggestions on how to help him navigate the social scene. We live in DC proper and not a part that has a lot of other families. Willing to spend some money but not a country club membership amount of money. We are west coasters.

It's early days still, so mostly I would just give it time unless he is reporting that kids are being cruel or intentionally excluding him. Make sure he's taking advantage of any opportunities for extra curriculars- sports, art/drama/music, robotics whatever his thing is. That's the best way to make connections and find his people.

[Anonymous]

This isn't something that does (or should) cost money. Your DS should join a school activity and invite as many people over (individually) to hang out -- on weekends, if you live far from school. Saturday evenings are usually good, even if people are busy during the day. And give it time -- it's been less than a month for most schools.

[Anonymous]

Throw a Halloween party, then have all the kids go TorTing around your neighborhood. Give out flashlights.

[Anonymous]

It needs more time, but you also need to have your eyes wide open as to the reasons. Whatever they may be, understanding the reasons is the most important thing here.

[Anonymous]

Sports.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:We are new this year to strong all boys school. My son is a middle schooler. We are also new to the DC area. Being new is always a process but its been tougher than I anticipated for my son. Looking for some suggestions on how to help him navigate the social scene. We live in DC proper and not a part that has a lot of other families. Willing to spend some money but not a country club membership amount of money. We are west coasters.

OP what have you observed as the problem and what does your son tell you? Is he having trouble academically? Is this about missing friends from his old school?

[Anonymous]

OP here. Thank you. Super helpful ideas.

Our son came from a very small school where he had been for his entire life. I think the entire grade at the new school is the same size as the entire school where he previously was. so in reflecting, it’s probably true that he’s never really had to make friends. His previous class was so small that you just were friends with everybody in it because there was only 10 of you.

He is thankfully very engaged and has joined lots of activities from music to sports. Part of the reason we gravitated to a school like the one we chose is because of all these opportunities and he is taking them.

I wouldn’t say that he feels like there is a problem, but he definitely feels like an outsider. He said the kids all know each other very well and he’s not sure how to get plugged in. His homeroom teacher is looking out for this to try to help him. Academically solid if not more than solid. Having from such a small school, socially he’s probably bit behind.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP here. Thank you. Super helpful ideas.

Our son came from a very small school where he had been for his entire life. I think the entire grade at the new school is the same size as the entire school where he previously was. so in reflecting, it’s probably true that he’s never really had to make friends. His previous class was so small that you just were friends with everybody in it because there was only 10 of you.

He is thankfully very engaged and has joined lots of activities from music to sports. Part of the reason we gravitated to a school like the one we chose is because of all these opportunities and he is taking them.

I wouldn’t say that he feels like there is a problem, but he definitely feels like an outsider. He said the kids all know each other very well and he’s not sure how to get plugged in. His homeroom teacher is looking out for this to try to help him. Academically solid if not more than solid. Having from such a small school, socially he’s probably bit behind.

He’s doing all the right things, and so are the adults around him. Hang in there, and encourage him to just keep showing up for the activities he enjoys. It’s great that he’s taking advantage of those opportunities. It just can take some time. Not MS, but starting new in 9th at a k-12, DC really didn’t find a friend group until about January. It can be rough, but he’ll get there.

[Anonymous]

I would also say that if you haven’t been added to a parent all grade group chat, ask around —sometime people forget to add the new families not thinking. So much of it around here is about the parents coordinating as much as your child meeting people. This will help you stayed clued in when people may start talking about sport or camp sign ups. I’m sure just like your son feels like everyone knows each other, you probably feel that way too. If you have the flexibility, get involved with the PA—help volunteer at upcoming school events etc. it will help you both feel more connected to the community.

[Anonymous]

Sports

[Anonymous]

If this is a Bethesda school and you live in NW, a Halloween party might be a great idea bc the suburban kids always ask to come to our house bc you get way more houses in the same time for trick or treating. Otherwise for sports, ask around if lots of the kids are on a club team outside of school? Otherwise for all boys, I think it just takes time. They are not as great as the girls about awareness and inclusion, not bc they are trying to exclude, they’re just more socially awkward at that age. My kids are at a coed k-12, and it’s always the girls who make a point of planning things

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Sports.

Sports and clubs

[Anonymous]

Do any other families live near you? Carpools are great for getting to know other boys..even if only one or two days a week. Does his class have a parent listserv? You could say "Hey, we're going to this Haunted Trail, football game, go kart track, whatever the event is" and invite the others to meet up there. It's no pressure and might get a group together outside of school.

[Anonymous]

We are west coasters too…. Six years later we gave in and sucked up the country club $. It’s helped a lot. But it’s never going to be Southern California friendly. That’s just not the vibe here in our experience. We will be returning to CA as soon as my husband retires!