Bossy kid in DS's class

[Anonymous]

My second grader is generally quiet but gets along very well with his circle of friends. In his classroom, however, there is one child who—while high-functioning academically—struggles socially. I am friends with his mom, who is a wonderful person, but her child tends to talk, think, write, and behave in a very “adult-like” way. My son does not enjoy playing with him, saying that he is bossy, tries to make up his own rules, and interferes with classmates’ work by telling them how things should be done. I understand that he is also just a 7-year-old, but I worry about the impact of his behavior on my son’s self-esteem. Do you have any recommendations?

[Anonymous]

"My son does not enjoy playing with him"

Seems pretty simple.

[Anonymous]

"You don't have to do what he says, but you have to be kind when you say no"

[Anonymous]

The mom already knows other kids can't stand him. She probably isn't that fond of him herself. You can decline politely and she will understand. No need to make it more awkward.

[Anonymous]

you worry about the impact of the other 7 year old;s behavior on your son's self esteem?

[Anonymous]

How do you think the other child will affect your son's self-esteem?

People don't listen to bossy people they don't like. They usually disregard and shun them. It's more rare to internalize "there is something wrong with me" in these little kid situations.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:How do you think the other child will affect your son's self-esteem?

People don't listen to bossy people they don't like. They usually disregard and shun them. It's more rare to internalize "there is something wrong with me" in these little kid situations.

Be assured that other 7 year olds typically dislike kids who brag too much, kids who do not play fair, and kids who cannot read or choose to ignore “stop signals” from their peers. These are the top three behaviors that irritate kids the most.

I’m not sure what you mean by the self-esteem question, but you can help your child understand why he doesn’t like this kid by framing his dislike around the behaviors rather than the kid himself. So it’s not “I don’t like Johnny”, but it’s “I don’t like the way Johnny tries to change the rules so that he can win because I think it’s important to play fair”. This helps kids with empathy and to understand what they value and don’t value in their friends. It also helps them not hold grudges if they see that kids outgrow or adapt their behavior.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:How do you think the other child will affect your son's self-esteem?

People don't listen to bossy people they don't like. They usually disregard and shun them. It's more rare to internalize "there is something wrong with me" in these little kid situations.

Be assured that other 7 year olds typically dislike kids who brag too much, kids who do not play fair, and kids who cannot read or choose to ignore “stop signals” from their peers. These are the top three behaviors that irritate kids the most.

I’m not sure what you mean by the self-esteem question, but you can help your child understand why he doesn’t like this kid by framing his dislike around the behaviors rather than the kid himself. So it’s not “I don’t like Johnny”, but it’s “I don’t like the way Johnny tries to change the rules so that he can win because I think it’s important to play fair”. This helps kids with empathy and to understand what they value and don’t value in their friends. It also helps them not hold grudges if they see that kids outgrow or adapt their behavior.

Sorry, I agree with PP here, and this message was for OP. I replied to the wrong post!

[Anonymous]

I have more sympathy for the "adult" child than yours, OP. Why? Because what you describe makes me suspect that child has high-functioning autism. He will have social issues all his life. Your son will grow up to be a normal adult, and probably get married and have kids and be happy. That child might not.

So teach your son to avoid people who make him uncomfortable while staying polite. Be very careful that at some point, your son and his friends do not start bullying this other kid. Neurodivergent children are very often the targets of bullying or teasing.

[Anonymous]

My older DD had a friend (well, sort of a friend- in the same general group of girls since kindergarten) who was like this, and I was also good friends with the mom.

I don’t see why this would have any impact on your son’s self esteem.

I told my DD that she needed to be kind/polite but didn’t need to feel obligated to play with the girl one on one if she didn’t want to.

I also declined playdates if it was just going to be the two of them. For other get togethers (birthday parties etc) I always included the girl & obviously told DD she needed to be nice.

Eventually the girl moved schools (during the Covid years) which solved the issue.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I have more sympathy for the "adult" child than yours, OP. Why? Because what you describe makes me suspect that child has high-functioning autism. He will have social issues all his life. Your son will grow up to be a normal adult, and probably get married and have kids and be happy. That child might not.

So teach your son to avoid people who make him uncomfortable while staying polite.

Be very careful that at some point, your son and his friends do not start bullying this other kid. Neurodivergent children are very often the targets of bullying or teasing.

This scenario is very possible.

It is likely the other kid's parents already are aware of their kid's issues and are engaged trying to help their kid modify the behavior to be better.

[Anonymous]

Your post doesn’t explain where your child is exposed to this kid. Are you accepting play date invites? Your child can choose to ignore annoying kid’s new rules or say, “ I am doing it my way.” Basically, your child does NOT have to follow along. Perhaps some role play will help your child. Also, take a break from one on one play dates.

[Anonymous]

OP here- the problem is their interactions in the classroom in which he constantly tries to teach/correct my and other kids. Thanks for the responses

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP here- the problem is their interactions in the classroom in which he constantly tries to teach/correct my and other kids. Thanks for the responses

Then teach your kid to say "I'm good with my way" and move along. Self advocacy is an important skill, as is dealing with all kinds of people. I can't imagine how this would damage your child's self esteem.

I worry much more about the bossy kid's self esteem, being ignored/ostracized by other kids and clearly anxious about things he can't control. (And likely autistic, as a pp said).

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP here- the problem is their interactions in the classroom in which he constantly tries to teach/correct my and other kids. Thanks for the responses

Then you need to remind the teacher that kids don't appreciate those corrections.

You may not realize this, OP, so I will tell you because my kids are 20 and 15: the point of school is not only to learn academic things. It's to learn social skills, and how to manage various personalities who are problematic. My kids have often had children with behavioral issues in their classes, especially at the elementary school level, since at those early ages, families don't have diagnoses yet and services and accommodations can only be put in place by schools after a formal diagnosis is established. By middle school, usually kids who were problematic are either medicated for their ADHD, in therapy for their autism or anxiety, or have been placed in specialized programs more suited to their needs.

You need to both advocate for your child, but also see things from the point of view of the child who has the issues: it takes a long while for parents to realize their kid isn't doing well, and it takes a long while for evaluations to happen, diagnoses made, actions implemented. You can help is my teaching your child how to avoid direct confrontation, how to be patient, and by telling the teacher that this situation is untenable. Schools need parent feedback to document their efforts to help certain students with behaviors, in cases when parents are unwilling to acknowledge that there are issues.