Weekly long commute for job

[Anonymous]

We live in DC with one teenage son. I have a job tied to DC. DH was laid off in February and there is absolutely nothing for him in the DC area. He just got an offer for a good paying job in the midwest. I really can’t move there due to work reasons and pension, and son loves his school and friends. His potential employer is offering two days/week of telework, so he could be in midwest M-W and back in DC Th-Sunday. This is not at all ideal but rent for a studio there is cheap so we could financially swing it. Interested in whether anyone has had this situation before.

[Anonymous]

Is there a direct cheap flight? I think I would do it, and I have never been through this before. Get your son through HS doing this, and understand that in your own way you will both be sacraficing.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Is there a direct cheap flight? I think I would do it, and I have never been through this before. Get your son through HS doing this, and understand that in your own way you will both be sacraficing.

Yes, plenty of direct flights, mostly $200-300.

[Anonymous]

When I was a kid, living in Pittsburgh, my dad's defense-related industry had a downturn. He first moved to New York state where he worked during my senior year of high school. Then that company lost a contract and he got a new job with a New Mexico employer that sometimes involved working in Crystal City, Virginia and sometimes working in New Mexico. He had apartments both in Crystal City and New Mexico at various times. My mother remained in the family home in Pittsburgh to stay near her parents and allow us continuity of home, community, and K-12 schools.

The key was that both New York state and Crystal City were drivable to Pittsburgh. My dad did come home on weekends a lot. Also my mom was a SAHM, so my mom and sibling spent a summer or two in New Mexico at my dad's barebones apartment.

Later I learned that DC was a pretty common place for other Pittsburghers to move to during a recession, keeping residences in both places.

My take is that this is do-able but it does put a strain on your marriage. My sibling has suboptimized their career to move with their spouse, partly because of the childhood experience. Phones and webcalling also make it much easier to stay in constant contact now.

[Anonymous]

PP. I have lately read some examples of people doing an airplane-based LA to SF commute. That can be managed with careful scheduling.

[Anonymous]

How old is your son? 13 or 17 is a big difference.

[Anonymous]

PP again. I also knew a person who took a job in Chicago for 2 years during the 2009 recession. His home was 5 hours drive away in the Midwest. He had an apartment in the new place.

For places that are 3-5 hours away, it can be easier to drive. Getting to and from a major airport for a 1 hour flight takes up about 4 hours. Plus the risk of weather and other delays.

[Anonymous]

I think I would take it but keep aggressively looking. Having a job makes it easier to get a job.

Super commuting is possible but gets exhausting quickly.

[Anonymous]

So he would fly out Sunday (unless his job is ok with him being late or missing Monday if there are flight delays) and is back late Wednesday. Have you mapped out what extra burden this puts on you? Does your son drive and have a car to get places? And I don't mean this to come off like a jerk, but are you sure you're not the type who will end up quietly resenting DH because he gets to be "off" 3 days a week and you have to pick up the slack?

[Anonymous]

I would do the math. I'd probably get a lower paying job here.

[Anonymous]

In my exurban parts of Dc, there are tons of families who do this. Especially if the commuting spouse is c suite…

[Anonymous]

My dad did this for a few years when we were in high school. He had a corporate job with frequent transfers and once we got to high school my parents didn’t want to uproot us every time so we stayed in place. It’s not ideal but you do what you need to do.

[Anonymous]

It will be really hard on everyone but certainly worth doing if it’s the best option.

Just don’t underestimate travel. Some people really absorb it well. For me even in my early 20s as a consultant, it really wore on me. As a parent I would do a lot of things to avoid it. But if you can’t, you can’t. You just soldier through as best you can for as long as you need to.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:In my exurban parts of Dc, there are tons of families who do this. Especially if the commuting spouse is c suite…

PP. Agreed. I've seen several highly-paid corporate execs take big jobs in China and leave their families in the US. Wall Street Journal level names.

[Anonymous]

I know people who have done this. It’s very hard on the marriage, even formerly good marriages. I would only do it with an endpoint in sight. Like in 1-2 years he quits if he hasn’t found a closer job, or you move, or whatever. You can’t sustain this for too long.