One child can handle screens and the other cannot
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Anonymous
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We are on a nearly complete screen ban because entirely on my younger child’s inability to regulate when getting off and almost addictive behavior towards them.
My older child had a harder time at the younger ones age but not like this and they really don’t have trouble regulating around screens anymore, plus tend towards higher quality choices. We have allowed older DC to continue their limited texting with their closest family member (non-local) and using one educational app they like for a short time each day. Despite these additional privileges, I was completely unprepared for how strongly older DC is convinced they are being punished unfairly and how strongly they resent their sibling over this. To some extent I can’t blame them. We framed this as a change to our rules rather than a consequence to younger DC, which felt right at the time but now I’m questioning it. Part of why we did this is older DC has a lot of activities and an increase in homework this year so it also sort of made sense. But they are not wrong that this was primarily driven by their sibling’s behavior and I don’t want to gaslight them. What would you do? |
Anonymous
| This is yet another post where it is impossible to answer without ages. |
Anonymous
Older DC is 10 younger is 7. Oldest has mild SN but doing very well at the moment. |
Anonymous
| We have this with twins (8 years old), although the child banned from tablets isn't really mindful of anyone else so they've taken it ok. Surprisingly well, after the first week. |
Anonymous
Are you saying you took away screens from just one twin? Was it framed as a consequence of behavior and if so will they be able to earn it back somehow? I am really struggling with this. - OP |
Anonymous
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Call me old (my kids are teens) but why you would need to explain and justify an almost-total screen ban for a 7 yr/old is beyond me.
What is the 10 yr/old asking you for? |
Anonymous
Really? NP but I have a 7 yo and friends are on them all the time. |
Anonymous
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OP here. Both kids used to have a regular screen time of no more than one hour a day. Occasionally we were getting lax and giving the 7 year old a bit more because they were stuck in a waiting room a fair amount with me taking older one to appointments, or they were playing video games on play dates. My spouse really loves the idea of video games with the kids and has been very resistant to stop it even though there are frequently problems.
After a few instances of unpleasant and one really terrible behavior after screens we are taking a pretty much total break, with the exceptions I described for the 10 year old. My kids obviously asked why we are implementing this change and I typically explain the reasons for our rules (my number one dislike as a child was being told “I said said so” even over being spanked). I don’t think I handled this ideally. I am now thinking it was unfair or will be unfair long term to take away screens from my 10 year old because of my 7 year olds behavior. But I also think a screen ban is not the end of the world and it’s a little like drinking in front of an alcoholic you know? I’m truly struggling with this. |
Anonymous
| 10 year old thinks they should not be subjected to screen ban since it was pretty clearly instituted because of 7 year olds behavior. |
Anonymous
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Tell 7 year old "You have been acting like a jerk after X so you're taking a break from it. When your behavior has improved we will see what we do."
My husband also likes playing video games with the kids and I allow that. I don't want them rotting in front of youtube and have deleted it from all TVs (no tablets). Do not allow Roblox either. My 10 year old claims they have no social life because of this. They play plenty outside with neighbors but at school (private) they have "nothing to talk about." What to do... |
Anonymous
Well I don’t talk to my kids like that but I see your point. Honestly the behavior is the worst after video games. I would be willing to give other things a chance before adding those back. The competitive aspect of most of them is too much. But that’s what spouse misses the most. |
Anonymous
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You've got to loosen the reigns on the 10 year old. He's right, it's not fair. You don't have to go all the way back to an unlimited hour, but he should be allowed to do more. He's older. If the younger complains, it's fine to say that he's younger, and doesn't handle screens well, and so he's on hiatus, and as he gets older, as he learns to regulate himself better, he'll get more freedom. No, it might not be the same number of minutes or the same amount of freedom at the exact same age. That's life.
I would require the older to keep the screens out of his little brother's face. ie - fun, loud video games with dad in a public space while little brother is stuck in his room? That's not fair. You'll need to brainstorm (ideally with 10 year olds input) on ways to get him what he'd like and can handle without rubbing it in 7s face. |
Anonymous
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Tell your ten year old you’ve been thinking about screen use and you want to cut back as a family. You can say 7 yo’s behavior led you to think/read more about it, and you think it’s important. Frame it as an experiment.
Honestly, it’s not that good for the 10 yo either. |
Anonymous
Well, it was framed as the tablet being bad for him. While it is obviously inconsistent to take the tablet from one and not the other, that isn't something he notices. He isn't one to compare himself or his situation to others. Maybe if he matures in a year or two he could get it back. Now, if we tried to do it in reverse, it probably would have been a disaster. The other child has a very strong sense of fairness. That has come up. Screens have been taken away for a few days or a week at a time for bad behavior, but in those cases they could be earned back. |