MS Social skills - it’s just not going to happen

[Anonymous]

I have a son who is having trouble making friends and finding a friend group in his small private. He has ADHD, is lovely, funny, sweet and sensitive, but is socially awkward and does not understand social cues. He blurts out, says the wrong things and generally doesn’t know how to fit into the flow of a conversation. He is then, naturally, left feeling alone and it really bothers him.

I thought coaching him through what to say and do in various situations would help. I have been reading about strategies where parents can act as a friend “coach” for older kids since we can no longer act as social coordinator. However, it is hitting me just how behind he is socially. He’s like a 4th grader mentally and socially in a 7th grader’s body. I just don’t know if there’s much I can do but wait for him to catch up developmentally and get through these tough years in the middle. I would love some advice from others who have navigated this and found a strategy that worked for their kid.

[Anonymous]

My advice is, you need friends to build friendship skills. Without anyone to hang out with, he will not catch up developmentally, he will fall farther behind. There are always kids on your own kid's developmental level, you just need to find them. Then you need to decide on activities to organize, because boys need something to do together before they start in on the conversation. Think and start small.

[Anonymous]

My advice is make your peace with waiting.

It might help to have him in some mixed age activities where he is one of the chronologically oldest. He might blend in better with younger peers that share an interest.

[Anonymous]

This is us too. Get a group together, we will show up.

[Anonymous]

My son has autism and ADHD, and hit a nadir where he had no friends at all in high school (and the pandemic didn't help). Not a single one. In college, he has slowly clawed his way back to being accepted in a loose group of students who socialize outside of class. So not friends exactly, but part of the easy camaraderie of young people. Honestly, I think he may never develop a close friendship, but I'm glad that he's at least talking to and having fun with people his own age.

Your son sounds a lot less impacted than mine, but still in need of social coaching. Do you think a social skills group would help? Certain psychological practices organize them, but they can be hit or miss. Do you think he would benefit from a larger school with more opportunities for meeting people with the same interests? Can he sign up for activities outside of school that foster communication and friendship?

It's great that you're coaching him. That's what I did too, for many years. We watched ensemble cast TV series together, and I would pause the stream and explain to him what each character was feeling and why they were upset, or happy, or had just said something that was out of line. It helped him get some indirect experience on what the range of communication looked like. We watched the Big Bang Theory and Parks and Rec, etc.

[Anonymous]

We loved our social group with Neural Movement, they work with kids all through the spectrum like my ADHD kid and tough at first but the stuff they do to engage really help not only socially but gross motor as well. They are pretty good at finding your child a group that are close in age not just mentally but socially too. We started off with individual session just so my DS can work on his gross motor skills and now he flourishes showing off and also just connecting with kids like him. They still all into video games and that Minecraft but love that they he can finally connect to the outside world with real people