7th grader trouble making friends

[Anonymous]

I’m looking for some advice, or even just an ear. I have 7th grader at a small
private school. Child is ADHD (maybe AuDHD?) and is pretty typical in that he doesn’t read social cues well and just generally has trouble forming connections with other kids. He isn’t shy, in fact child is funny, outgoing and kids tend to like him, but as he gets older, and kids start to split into their own friend groups, he’s not finding a group or even one friend with whom he really clicks. This bothers him because he craves that companionship. And it breaks my heart.

I know he is now too old for me to try and orchestrate friendships and hang outs. I can also see what the issue is. Lots of interrupting people, not being able to read a room, choosing friends that seem to be the obvious wrong fit, and not understanding these things when I try and talk with him about it - so it’s not surprising that he’s experiencing this. It’s just hard to see it and not know how to help.

My question is, what, if anything, can a parent do in this situation? Does ADHD friend coaching work? Would going to a bigger school help (current school is very small, the entire 7th grade is 32 kids)? Do we just do what previous generations did and stay out of it, ie wait for him to mature and figure this out himself while staying in a small and safe environment?

Ugh, just heartbroken and feeling helpless and looking for a shoulder and/or advice from anyone who has BTDT. Lots of thanks 🙏

[Anonymous]

Sorry to hear this. It is so challenging. I don’t have any advice to offer that you cannot find online easily but you are not alone.

[Anonymous]

Yes, I think a bigger school could help significantly. His 7th grade is the size of one class! Will there be more kids when he gets to high school? He is obviously in a private school. What is the public school like?

This is the good part about large publics. There are lots of kids and lots of different options of kids and activities to join. My very different kids found others in the large FCPS middle and high schools.

[Anonymous]

Public school

[Anonymous]

It is so very tough. My son is the same. He is now 16 and the worst stretch was middle school. Really tough times, exactly as you describe choosing kids who were the wrong fit and misreading it all. Some really painful times when he was ostracized by a friend group and he didn't see it coming.
Things are better now for a few reasons: he's still oblivious to friend issues but sometimes that works in his favor. He'll be confused about situations but fail to link his behavior as the cause so doesn't get hurt. Sadly I think he's given up on finding close friends but it's better than hoping it will happen in a school environment where it will definitely not.

He had a stretch of 2 years where he wasn't clicking with extracurriculars but then found a sport that he's really committed to. He's still on the fringe of that group but doesn't really process it or over think it. He really enjoys it and it keeps him very, very busy.
Summer camp: I can't emphasize this enough. Summer camp was the best weeks of his year. He went to mainstream camp but a very accepting one with a fair amount of neurodiversity. He formed deep bonds and all the wonderful things that sleep away camp offers. He loved himself, his friends, his time there, etc.

You are in a tough point of letting go and letting him navigate this. All you can do from now is introduce as much opportunity for positiveness in his life (clubs, sports, etc) until something sticks. And above all, help be the buffer around his self confidence so that will come out strong on the other side of these years. All kids learn painful lessons during teen years. It's awful as a parent to watch it happen but he will be ok and learn all the great lessons he needs to. The awkwardness and pain can lead to him being a strong, compassionate wonderful and wise adult.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:It is so very tough. My son is the same. He is now 16 and the worst stretch was middle school. Really tough times, exactly as you describe choosing kids who were the wrong fit and misreading it all. Some really painful times when he was ostracized by a friend group and he didn't see it coming.
Things are better now for a few reasons: he's still oblivious to friend issues but sometimes that works in his favor. He'll be confused about situations but fail to link his behavior as the cause so doesn't get hurt. Sadly I think he's given up on finding close friends but it's better than hoping it will happen in a school environment where it will definitely not.

He had a stretch of 2 years where he wasn't clicking with extracurriculars but then found a sport that he's really committed to. He's still on the fringe of that group but doesn't really process it or over think it. He really enjoys it and it keeps him very, very busy.
Summer camp: I can't emphasize this enough. Summer camp was the best weeks of his year. He went to mainstream camp but a very accepting one with a fair amount of neurodiversity. He formed deep bonds and all the wonderful things that sleep away camp offers. He loved himself, his friends, his time there, etc.

You are in a tough point of letting go and letting him navigate this. All you can do from now is introduce as much opportunity for positiveness in his life (clubs, sports, etc) until something sticks. And above all, help be the buffer around his self confidence so that will come out strong on the other side of these years. All kids learn painful lessons during teen years. It's awful as a parent to watch it happen but he will be ok and learn all the great lessons he needs to. The awkwardness and pain can lead to him being a strong, compassionate wonderful and wise adult.

I think this is really good advice. I’d also add please be vigilant about his presence online. How much time he is spending gaming, what games, what is he doing online and how much time is being spent, no discord, etc.

[Anonymous]

The drama program kids are often very welcoming for kids with this profile. Have your child volunteer to help with the next school play. Talk to the drama teacher ahead of time to alert them to your child’s needs so they can place them in a job and with peers that will have the best chance for success. Speak to the guidance counselor about this, too. Schools can help in this kind of thing if you let them you want them to.

[Anonymous]

OP here. Thank you for these lovely and helpful responses. I’m curious about the suggestions for public school. His local school is pretty big and the reason we avoided it was the fear of him getting lost academically with ADHD. I also made the assumption (perhaps wrongly?) that public school kids would be less accepting and less willing to give other kids a chance because they are also trying to figure out how to fit in amongst the sea of kids. I guess I have this wrong. Looking at different schools for him is definitely part of our plan for high school. And if we need to, perhaps for 8th grade as well. I didn’t consider public an option but I’m intrigued by the recommendation.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:It is so very tough. My son is the same. He is now 16 and the worst stretch was middle school. Really tough times, exactly as you describe choosing kids who were the wrong fit and misreading it all. Some really painful times when he was ostracized by a friend group and he didn't see it coming.
Things are better now for a few reasons: he's still oblivious to friend issues but sometimes that works in his favor. He'll be confused about situations but fail to link his behavior as the cause so doesn't get hurt. Sadly I think he's given up on finding close friends but it's better than hoping it will happen in a school environment where it will definitely not.

He had a stretch of 2 years where he wasn't clicking with extracurriculars but then found a sport that he's really committed to. He's still on the fringe of that group but doesn't really process it or over think it. He really enjoys it and it keeps him very, very busy.
Summer camp: I can't emphasize this enough. Summer camp was the best weeks of his year. He went to mainstream camp but a very accepting one with a fair amount of neurodiversity. He formed deep bonds and all the wonderful things that sleep away camp offers. He loved himself, his friends, his time there, etc.

You are in a tough point of letting go and letting him navigate this. All you can do from now is introduce as much opportunity for positiveness in his life (clubs, sports, etc) until something sticks. And above all, help be the buffer around his self confidence so that will come out strong on the other side of these years. All kids learn painful lessons during teen years. It's awful as a parent to watch it happen but he will be ok and learn all the great lessons he needs to. The awkwardness and pain can lead to him being a strong, compassionate wonderful and wise adult.

OP here. Thank you for this response. It really meant a lot. Hugs to you and your son.

[Anonymous]

My kid really benefitted from 9th grade robotics team. It's a public school team but they allow kids who live in the district and go to other schools.

Does your local public have middle school robotics? See if you can arrange a drop-in ASAP. Middle school competition season is Sept.-Dec.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP here. Thank you for these lovely and helpful responses. I’m curious about the suggestions for public school. His local school is pretty big and the reason we avoided it was the fear of him getting lost academically with ADHD. I also made the assumption (perhaps wrongly?) that public school kids would be less accepting and less willing to give other kids a chance because they are also trying to figure out how to fit in amongst the sea of kids. I guess I have this wrong. Looking at different schools for him is definitely part of our plan for high school. And if we need to, perhaps for 8th grade as well. I didn’t consider public an option but I’m intrigued by the recommendation.

My daughter goes to a public middle school of about 1100 kids. They all know who is in therapy/treatment for anxiety, anger issues, ADHD, autism, etc. In a big public school, no one seems to care. The only kids they are really mean about is the self contained class of kids with moderate intellectual disability. This is hard for my kid who has a sister with profound intellectual disability that goes to another school.

My kid and I talk about the friend situation at school and her perspective is that basically everyone at school seems to have at least one friend. While I’m sure that isn’t true, it definitely seems like many people manage to find a friend in a large diverse school.

I really think you should give a large school a shot. And find a way for him to check out a variety of clubs that might interest him.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP here. Thank you for these lovely and helpful responses. I’m curious about the suggestions for public school. His local school is pretty big and the reason we avoided it was the fear of him getting lost academically with ADHD. I also made the assumption (perhaps wrongly?) that public school kids would be less accepting and less willing to give other kids a chance because they are also trying to figure out how to fit in amongst the sea of kids. I guess I have this wrong. Looking at different schools for him is definitely part of our plan for high school. And if we need to, perhaps for 8th grade as well. I didn’t consider public an option but I’m intrigued by the recommendation.

Well, it's not like they're all trying to climb a single, crowded social ladder. It's more like there are many, many groups based around interests and they're all trying to fit into one or two of those groups. Having more options means a higher chance your son will find a peer group that shares his interests and accepts him. And if it doesn't work out, he can try another. The problem with small schools, public or private, is that if there's trouble with friend stuff there may not be other realistic friend prospects.

[Anonymous]

Is he at a special needs private or is it just a private that happens to be small?

I would try the coaching. And look for your options, public and private, that are bigger.

You can't like, set up playdates, but you can still support his social relationships more subtly. Just by making it a priority you are supporting him. Being willing to drive him places. Making sure he goes to events like the school play or whatever if he wants to--even if he wants you NOT to attend. Be okay with waiting somewhere


My ADHD DD does well with certain social principles like not quite rules but guidelines. For example she knows that people like it when friends attend their performances, so I help her to do that. She knows that Friday afternoons/evenings and Saturday afternoons, a parent will always be available, so she can make or accept social plans without checking with us.

There is nobody worse at logistical planning than an ADHD middle school boy. They all stink at it. So if he's trying to make plans and the other kids are also bad at planning, it's going to be hilariously inept. Support them by offering rides, offering to be the hangout house, whatever makes it work. And keep your expectations low. It's not just him, it's all of them.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP here. Thank you for these lovely and helpful responses. I’m curious about the suggestions for public school. His local school is pretty big and the reason we avoided it was the fear of him getting lost academically with ADHD. I also made the assumption (perhaps wrongly?) that public school kids would be less accepting and less willing to give other kids a chance because they are also trying to figure out how to fit in amongst the sea of kids. I guess I have this wrong. Looking at different schools for him is definitely part of our plan for high school. And if we need to, perhaps for 8th grade as well. I didn’t consider public an option but I’m intrigued by the recommendation.

My son has pretty severe ADHD and is at public school. There so many kids with so many interests. He is still having a hard time and I have posted about it. He has an IEP and for kids like him they have classes with 8 kids! It is amazing. Grade level (not advanced) but he gets attention he needs.

He has joined two clubs and I am optimistic. Also - highly recommend scouts.