Slow dying

[Anonymous]

My parent has an ongoing health problem, and there's only one direction it's going in...

Looking at my old texts the other day, I saw a text to a friend saying I was getting used to the new realities with my parent losing function and sliding slowly toward the end. The text was from 2022!

Now it is 2025, and I am STILL getting used to different new realities, so this has been going on for three years. But I can't wish for it to end because that would mean...

My surprise comes from the fact I've been going through this for MORE than three years with this parent. Before this parent, I went through it for five to seven years with the other parent.

I'm so tired, people. So tired. I've probably aged ten years in one year.

[Anonymous]

I know, OP. Been there. I think it was 5-6 years of downhill for my mom, but the last 2 were abysmal. For her, as well. I’m sorry.

[Anonymous]

Same. My mom passed quickly after stage four cancer. My father who was suffering from a chronic ilnnesss before she fell sick lived another 7 years. Fortunately we had moved him to his native place where care is affordable and top notch. My sibling was his caregiver and lost 7 years of his life, but we also consider ourselves fortunate to have had my dad survive so long. It is complex, and easy to feel both ways!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:My parent has an ongoing health problem, and there's only one direction it's going in...

Looking at my old texts the other day, I saw a text to a friend saying I was getting used to the new realities with my parent losing function and sliding slowly toward the end. The text was from 2022!

Now it is 2025, and I am STILL getting used to different new realities, so this has been going on for three years. But I can't wish for it to end because that would mean...

My surprise comes from the fact I've been going through this for MORE than three years with this parent. Before this parent, I went through it for five to seven years with the other parent.

I'm so tired, people. So tired. I've probably aged ten years in one year.

I could have written this. You’re not alone OP. I’m sorry.

[Anonymous]

I’m sorry. I’m there right now with both. It’s really hard.

[Anonymous]

Yeah, this happens a lot and more and more because medicine is so good. It’s very hard on everyone.

It’s not at all unreasonable to wish that they would die sometimes. You’re not wishing for them to die really, I mean in the normal sense, you’re wishing for them to not be suffering through low quality of life any more. You’re grieving in slow motion. It’s weird, and it’s okay to just ride the waves and go back and forth and all of that. People who have been through it will understand.

[Anonymous]

The body tries to hold on.

[Anonymous]

I watched my dad deteriorate for years and when he died he still wasn't the worst he would get thanks to his disease. I was relieved that he died quickly and suddenly or something unrelated. His quality of life wasn't great before his death and it was heartbreaking knowing he was going to get worse and that would be no way he wanted to live.

On the plus side, it made grieving him so much easier. I had already grieved the loss of my dad thanks to his illness. When he passed, I was so peaceful knowing he was at rest.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Same. My mom passed quickly after stage four cancer. My father who was suffering from a chronic ilnnesss before she fell sick lived another 7 years. Fortunately we had moved him to his native place where care is affordable and top notch. My sibling was his caregiver and lost 7 years of his life, but we also consider ourselves fortunate to have had my dad survive so long. It is complex, and easy to feel both ways!

Thank you to you and others who replied with your experiences. I'm sorry anyone else has (or had) to go through this.

OP

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I watched my dad deteriorate for years and when he died he still wasn't the worst he would get thanks to his disease. I was relieved that he died quickly and suddenly or something unrelated. His quality of life wasn't great before his death and it was heartbreaking knowing he was going to get worse and that would be no way he wanted to live.

On the plus side, it made grieving him so much easier. I had already grieved the loss of my dad thanks to his illness. When he passed, I was so peaceful knowing he was at rest.

I can understand feeling that way. Sometimes, we do a lot of grieving before the actual passing. That makes a lot of sense with many of the long-term diseases when people lose abilities bit by bit.

OP

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Yeah, this happens a lot and more and more because medicine is so good. It’s very hard on everyone.

Yes, that's a strange part to this. There is not a lot of quality of life left. We can't take the parent out anymore due to incontinence and also due to the need to move them from wheelchair to car back to wheelchair to wherever we are going. I think they go outside maybe once a month, if that.

OP

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:My parent has an ongoing health problem, and there's only one direction it's going in...

Looking at my old texts the other day, I saw a text to a friend saying I was getting used to the new realities with my parent losing function and sliding slowly toward the end. The text was from 2022!

Now it is 2025, and I am STILL getting used to different new realities, so this has been going on for three years. But I can't wish for it to end because that would mean...

My surprise comes from the fact I've been going through this for MORE than three years with this parent. Before this parent, I went through it for five to seven years with the other parent.

I'm so tired, people. So tired. I've probably aged ten years in one year.

I could have written this. You’re not alone OP. I’m sorry.

I'm sorry too OP. It's just starting for me, but man, with two kids in high school, it's a lot. I remember when my mom had the battery on my grandmother's pacemaker changed when she was 95 and I couldn't understand why that had to happen. I am a big proponet of medical aid in dying because I don't want to do this to my kids. I'm just going to tap out when it's time.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Yeah, this happens a lot and more and more because medicine is so good. It’s very hard on everyone.

Yes, that's a strange part to this. There is not a lot of quality of life left. We can't take the parent out anymore due to incontinence and also due to the need to move them from wheelchair to car back to wheelchair to wherever we are going. I think they go outside maybe once a month, if that.

OP

I’m sorry, OP. My parent, too, is very frail, in a wheelchair, and the activity of transferring from car to wheelchair for routine dr appointments will exhaust them for several days or cause back pain, which makes it harder to care for them.

In addition, due to their cognitive decline, they’ve taken to flipping off and sticking their tongue out at other drivers from the passenger seat, who are just driving along. I can’t stop them when I’m driving. I worry about road rage aimed at us.

So, if a little old lady sticks her tongue out or tries to flash you going down the road, it’s not you, it’s Alzheimer’s.

[Anonymous]

My parent has been declining for 20 yrs. He sometimes gets a bit better, then declines again. Slow torture for the caregiver.

[Anonymous]

I’m sorry, OP. My parent, too, is very frail, in a wheelchair, and the activity of transferring from car to wheelchair for routine dr appointments will exhaust them for several days or cause back pain, which makes it harder to care for them.

In addition, due to their cognitive decline, they’ve taken to flipping off and sticking their tongue out at other drivers from the passenger seat, who are just driving along. I can’t stop them when I’m driving. I worry about road rage aimed at us.

So, if a little old lady sticks her tongue out or tries to flash you going down the road, it’s not you, it’s Alzheimer’s.

My mom has advanced dementia. I have phased out doctor's appointments, although she is seen regularly by an NP at her memory care. She has declined so much, so fast, and yet physically she could live for another decade.