Why do people who are cheated on get mad at the person who told them?

[Anonymous]

I’ve seen and heard of countless incidents where someone is cheated on, let’s call them Person A, and a friend reveals the truth to Person A.

Person A then proceeds to ice out that friend, even if the friend had good intentions.

I guess I understand this on an intellectual level (this friend lit the fuse that completely upended your life), but it’s always struck me as so. For those who have been in Person A’s shoes, can you explain why you did that?

[Anonymous]

*struck me as so cold

[Anonymous]

Yep. It’s simply easier to take out their anger on the messenger.

They’d never have that same energy for the actual cheating lying spouse/partner though.

[Anonymous]

Some are embarrassed that you found out.
Some knew already and don't care.
They deny it; they can not believe it happened to them.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I’ve seen and heard of countless incidents where someone is cheated on, let’s call them Person A, and a friend reveals the truth to Person A.

Person A then proceeds to ice out that friend, even if the friend had good intentions.

I guess I understand this on an intellectual level (this friend lit the fuse that completely upended your life), but it’s always struck me as so. For those who have been in Person A’s shoes, can you explain why you did that?

Countless incidents? Damn. Who are you hanging around? Are you on an actual reality show or something? Maybe find more stable people to hang around.

[Anonymous]

Umm, they are really upset and hurt and acting irrationally as a result? This doesn’t seem so hard to understand.

[Anonymous]

Because they can't handle the perceived shame.

[Anonymous]

I haven’t been in this situation, but I wouldn’t want to know if DH is cheating so I would be annoyed if some busy body felt the need to tell me. MYOB.

[Anonymous]

They are upset by the cheating and also upset by a "friend" being all nosey and intruding into their personal life.

Double whammy.

[Anonymous]

They are already with a cheating loser. Now their friend knows it, too. You kill the messenger because you are a loser in love, life and friendship.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I’ve seen and heard of countless incidents where someone is cheated on, let’s call them Person A, and a friend reveals the truth to Person A.

Person A then proceeds to ice out that friend, even if the friend had good intentions.

I guess I understand this on an intellectual level (this friend lit the fuse that completely upended your life), but it’s always struck me as so. For those who have been in Person A’s shoes, can you explain why you did that?

Countless incidents? Damn. Who are you hanging around? Are you on an actual reality show or something? Maybe find more stable people to hang around.

That’s why I said seen and HEARD, including circumstances with people I don’t personally know. Nice failed attempt at being snarky though.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:They are upset by the cheating and also upset by a "friend" being all nosey and intruding into their personal life.

Double whammy.

Agree, I'd be mad about some busybody inserting themselves in my marriage. Maybe I don't want to know?

If it's a super close friend then I can see a disclosure but someone not close to me, I don't need them meddling.

[Anonymous]

It all goes back to the whole “blame the messenger” mentality OP.

When people are betrayed they always want a scapegoat & it is so easy and convenient to cast blame on the person who initiated the problem.

This could be a factor on why some people prefer to simply stay out of messy situations.
They just don’t want the drama of getting involved.

And who can blame them??

[Anonymous]

People will associate the bearer of bad news with the negative feelings they have about the news.

This is something we learned in psychology and it's studied and is a real effect. Be very careful and judicious when delivering bad news. People like doctors who have to do it often have strategies for how to do it.

[Anonymous]

Initial reactions are a tough moment to judge. You probably don’t experience the moment where they apologize for their reaction and thank them for being their only true friend. The shame, loneliness and defensiveness of the betrayal becomes their identity that they need to escape. Anger rarely finds its target from betrayal, it’s a bomb vs a sniper rifle.