Elderly Parents with Different Needs

[Anonymous]

My parents once considered moving into an assisted living community, but my mother balked and my father gave in to her wishes. They rely on home health aides and me for help, but they refuse to pay for more home health aides so more and more keeps falling on my shoulders. I have one sibling, but she's found various ways to avoid helping in any meaningful way.

In any event, were they to move into some type of senior housing, their needs would vary. My understanding is that my father would be in the "assisted living" category but my mother is at the point where she'd be in the "skilled nursing" category.

Does anyone know of facilities in the DC/NoVa area that will allow an elderly couple to share a single unit (could be 1 or 2 bedrooms, but within the same unit) when they need such different levels of service? My impression has been that we'd be steered to put them in separate units, since my mother needs more assistance getting cleaned and dressed (she is now bedridden), but that's a non-starter. Apart from hearing issues, they are mentally sharp for their advanced age, so they increasingly frail but also quite opinionated and stubborn.

Any suggestions would be much appreciated.

[Anonymous]

I don’t have any first hand knowledge, but the new Kensington Bethesda facility is advertising coulple’s care, in the couples can stay together. I think they are opening soon or have recently opened. It is in the Westbard area.

[Anonymous]

Does your mom need additional medical care other than bathing and dressing? She might still be fine in AL. From what I've seen, skilled nursing is for when there are advanced medical needs like IVs and feeding tubes.

Other than the place PP mentions ^^, I think you'll have better luck getting them both in AL to start and then moving your mom to SN when her needs increase. The CCRCs I have visited only had room for current residents in SN and memory care. They rarely admitted new residents straight into SN and MC.

Also, OP, it is okay for you to say No and stop enabling them. They must hire more care. You will burn yourself out trying to make up the difference (to the detriment of your own family).

[Anonymous]

As others have mentioned it's about what your mom needs. Most places could keep couples together with different levels of care as long as it wasn't extreme. In a different state my aunt just needed a little extra help with independent living where as uncle had advanced Parkinson. They were separated, but she visited him often and though she would not admit to a stranger, she preferred it.

Also, as others picked up on you need to adjust your thinking and language. By doing more and more you are not "helping" but instead you are ENABLING. You are making it so they can delay getting what they need which could be quite problematic for them and could cause you burnout. Your sister isn't "avoiding helping." She has firmer boundaries than you do.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I don’t have any first hand knowledge, but the new Kensington Bethesda facility is advertising coulple’s care, in the couples can stay together. I think they are opening soon or have recently opened. It is in the Westbard area.

Thanks for this. I looked at their web page and they indeed seem to highlight "couples care" in a way that not every AL does. I may give them a call later this week for more information!