Newly diagnosed ASD-level 1 teen-how to help with social skills

[Anonymous]

Title says it but for context and hopefully advice apologies for the length
-16 year old, rising senior, college track
-we are working on passomg the frontal lobe reigns to him as our support now causes anger and resentment. has executive functioning coach and new therapist. Pretty resistant to both but these were my 2 non negotiables since he was so adamant that we back off of him and stop organizing his life for him. He is absolutely adamant against social skills groups
-had a sport and friends but only during the sport and does not translate to outside practice and games.
-would sit by himself at lunch rather if his teammates aren’t there rather than try to make a new friend in one of his classes
-other than his sport, he had no interests except being on his phone or video games

I know he is lonely because he tells me. He has told me he is bad with the “banter” that is on his group chat and I’ve seen some his responses when he does join in. They are either conversation enders or completely irrelevant. He does not appear interested in people even though I think he is. Ex: I asked him if his sports friends did anything fun over the summer and he said he didn’t know and didn’t think to ask, even after not seeing some of them since June.

My fear is that next year at college, he will self isolate as he does at home and not do anything. I don’t think he likes his sport enough to do it even at the club level. I’d like him to feel some confidence going into college but he’s also resentful of any advice or tips I give him when I see him interactacting in a way that is off putting

Any advice is appreciated as I feel like I’m walking on eggshells with him all the time.

[Anonymous]

Is he participating in his sessions with his EF coach and therapist?

[Anonymous]

College will presumably have many clubs to join. Go thru the list and pick several he can try. Esp ones geared to quirkier kids. Will he have roommate? Is the school high spirit where he can go to the games even if he doesn’t like the sport? Also getting a campus job could be helpful.

[Anonymous]

If he's not interested in learning NT social skills, a social skills class will be a waste of time.

"Banter" is really hard for autistic people. He needs to be able to find other ND students and/or people who share his special interests. I agree with going through the college's list of clubs to find ones he might be interested in. Is he registered with disability services? He could ask if there are any ND groups.

[Anonymous]

OP - I would suggest a volunteer job or part-time job where he will interact with a wide variety of people. Also has his therapist worked with him on social or communications skills. Understanding what the difficulties are in peer relationships and seeing if you can help
DS practice the skills is key. For example. being on the sport text chain and responding as appropriate. Going to sport social events.

An executive functioning coach could be given a goal of helping him connect to a community
group needing volunteers. You also want to get input perhaps from his therapist on the college setting he might do best in.

[Anonymous]

It does sound like he has difficulties with friendships and communication - the "conversation enders" in the group chat, for example, are something he could work on if he wanted to.

I will say that teen boys in general won't be able to answer "did your friends do anything fun over the summer?" or "what college is Sam going to?" or "what other things does Greg like to do?" I have a super socially adept 18 year old boy with a tight friend group. And yet he often doesn't know the most basic things about them that girls would know. Girls use that sort of information as social currency to show they know each other. Boys don't, at all.

I don't think not knowing those things indicates that he is less interested in other people than other boys. It sounds like he still needs to develop skills to connect with other boys in the ways they do connect, though, which are games of all types, going out for food, and wandering aimlessly.

[Anonymous]

He doesn’t sound ready for college.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:He doesn’t sound ready for college.

Stop it RIGHT now. That is not true. My daughter went to WPI. She is neurotypical (my youngest is AUD/ADHD) and there were a lot of students very similar to OP’s child. And they had over 200 clubs and ones like gaming, Legos, d&d, board games, trivia, etc… My daughter went to a local private and was very good at talking and writing songs would have group projects in college and boys similar to OP’s would do the programming and she would write the paper and present. And a lot of students now more mature appreciated each other in that environment.

He is better off at a small academic focused school. If he’s in to sciences and computers, many of the students are similar.

OP look for good colleges. I think middle and high school are harder than college so don’t let this comment weigh you down.

For now, you can also look into meetups with gaming or find high school clubs. And there is a place in DC that has movie and gaming nights for kids on the spectrum. It isn’t sitting around and talking/therapy. Just straight up social events.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:He doesn’t sound ready for college.

Stop it RIGHT now. That is not true. My daughter went to WPI. She is neurotypical (my youngest is AUD/ADHD) and there were a lot of students very similar to OP’s child. And they had over 200 clubs and ones like gaming, Legos, d&d, board games, trivia, etc… My daughter went to a local private and was very good at talking and writing songs would have group projects in college and boys similar to OP’s would do the programming and she would write the paper and present. And a lot of students now more mature appreciated each other in that environment.

He is better off at a small academic focused school. If he’s in to sciences and computers, many of the students are similar.

OP look for good colleges. I think middle and high school are harder than college so don’t let this comment weigh you down.

For now, you can also look into meetups with gaming or find high school clubs. And there is a place in DC that has movie and gaming nights for kids on the spectrum. It isn’t sitting around and talking/therapy. Just straight up social events.

Typo above:

Writing, so they

Not: writing songs

[Anonymous]

He sounds like a lot of teen boys. Not having friends over and only having friends at activities and spending a lot of time isolated and playing video games sounds like about 50% of the teen boys I know, including my own. My son has no idea about what his friends are doing or have done this summer and isn’t even in group chats. Teen boys also say stupid stuff and don’t even notice what others say. It isn’t clear what specifically led to the autism diagnosis in your case. What kinds of supports does he need?

[Anonymous]

This is OP and thanks for the feedback. I guess my question is what can I do to help him or if I should do anything. Should I point out where he is not helping himself, model for him, have conversations with him in general?
His previous diagnosis was social pragmatic disorder and that’s changed (upgraded?) to ASD. He has the stereotypical hallmarks-not expressing interest or curiosity in others, limited interests, flat affect, some rigidity, hyperfocus on fairness, getting stuck when something doesn’t go his way, etc.
For the person who said he is not ready for college-that is some of my fear both academically (he’s super smart so it’s the executive functioning piece) and emotionally. We are using this year to try to figure this out and see how he does managing his on his own and also if he able to step outside his comfort zone socially (and by comfort zone I mean his chair where he sits and is on screens all the times he is not playing his sport or doing school work!) at least a little bit.

[Anonymous]

OP, I would encourage a job for some self worth and social skills and some volunteering for empathy.

I would make agreements that he does one school club, continues with his sport, and does homework before gaming and then leave him be. Get an executive functioning coach once a week to start working on self organization for senior year and college. Trust me. Much better than you doing this.

But college is usually much better if he finds the right school.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP, I would encourage a job for some self worth and social skills and some volunteering for empathy.

I would make agreements that he does one school club, continues with his sport, and does homework before gaming and then leave him be. Get an executive functioning coach once a week to start working on self organization for senior year and college. Trust me. Much better than you doing this.

But college is usually much better if he finds the right school.

Yes, during high school my DD had some friends who were probably also ND, but it was in college where she really found her people.

As a ND adult, I would say I have learned how to and can manage some small talk, but that's not enough to sustain a whole NT friendship. Conversing with an NT person is usually a lot of work and I don't enjoy it, so I don't feel I'm missing out on things when I opt out of let's-do-lunches or neighborhood parties or whatever.

I would encourage your child to learn how to be kind during conversations if he is coming across as rude, since I do regret when I do that. But otherwise I would let him be himself, and things will sort themselves out.

[Anonymous]

Read the entire thing, focus on the section about setting expectations.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Read the entire thing, focus on the section about setting expectations.

And behavioral contracts. He sounds like a kid that might benefit from that. But you’re the parent you be the judge. I’ve found them effective at that age as long as you the parent are willing to actually follow through without any arguing.