Lesbian moms…
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Anonymous
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Has anyone else experienced your wife completely checking out of your relationship the moment your child was born? I mean, she is still “here” and is physically present, but my partner and love disappeared. 24 months in, and no indication that she’ll ever show back up. She is a version of herself that I don’t know. Shut down. Turned off. Fully withdrawn. With some resentment and meanness thrown in. I have tried everything, but only one of us has been trying.
Anyone have suggestions or anyone who has experienced something similar? It’s awful, self-inflicted, and so sad. |
Anonymous
| Is she the one who gave birth? Any postpartum mental health screenings? How much childcare help do you have? |
Anonymous
| Agree with the pp. sounds like it could be postpartum. Of course the first year especially but really the first few are so exhausting as well. It can strain a marriage. |
Anonymous
| I don’t think this is related to being lesbians. Sounds like a thing that happens in a lot of couples. But yeah, if she gave birth she might have PPD. She might just be extraordinarily tired. You both might be. The first few years of a kid’s life are exhausting ones for parents. |
Anonymous
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Our relationship changed once we adopted DD. I think it dies for straight couples too though. You take on a new identity as a parent not just a wife. I think it changes everything.
Having said that, the meanness and being totally checked out is not ok. |
Anonymous
| Does, not dies. |
Anonymous
| for reference that it happens with straight parents too, see here: https://www.dcurbanmom.com/jforum/posts/list/1285578.page |
Anonymous
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Yeah this is definitely not unique to lesbian couples. Happens in straight couples all the time.
OP, It sounds like she may have depression. She should go and get a complete work up. She may have vitamin deficiency. She may need more sleep and time for self care. She may be “touched out”. I know that when I am exhausted, I am a crummy partner. I hope you two can turn things around. |
Anonymous
I hate it when the straights chime in. If she isn't the birth parent, is she having feelings of depression related to not feeling connected, relating to not being the birth mom? This can be hard for a lot of women who didn't birth the kid, EVEN IF THAT WAS THEIR ORIGINAL DESIRE. I've seen it happen in several of my friends, it happened to my wife a little bit, not quite to this extent. But there is grief there. |
Anonymous
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It’s not so fun any more once the real responsibility of caring for a child comes into the equation.
She likely feels trapped. |
Anonymous
Nailed it. It’s so sad when people can’t/won’t rise to the occasion and step up. Especially when they chose to have kids. |
Anonymous
| How are your parenting roles? Is it fairly equal? Does one of you do more of the day to day caretaking? Definitely sounds like depression. Having a baby is isolating and weird things happen in relationships. It’s honestly normal. Try to work through it. If you’re the one who had the baby, be aware your hormones could be in flux and you could be feeling extra sensitive. |
Anonymous
Sounds like PPD |