need help motivating ADHD teen

[Anonymous]

DD is starting 9th this year. She has ADHD but also other learning disabilities (dyslexia and some related issues and things like poor processing and executive function challenges), but she is a heck of an athlete. She went to a really small private but will be going to MCPS this year, and wants to try out for one of the teams. She was really excited about it, but suddenly, her confidence is waning. Today she had a literal meltdown and refused to go to one of the summer practices they were holding. Said she felt like everyone was so much better than her and she couldn't do basic drills correctly, etc. She went to one earlier this week and it went fine; she said most of the kids were older but everyone and the coaches were nice. She acts like this sometimes when she has to go into unfamiliar situations and it's always ok afterwards.

I'm looking for strategies to help her through it, or to encourage her, and to get her to go to practice. DH thinks I should have been more tough love on her and forced her to go (just dropped her off and waved goodbye while she was protesting) but that's not how I roll and I don't think that's right....she's clearly anxious and I think that should be talked through. He's ofc worried this will transfer to other situations, which, it may.....

[Anonymous]

I don’t think that’s adhd but it’s a tough one. My son is a bit younger but literally ran away from a middle school tryout and found him sobbing as he walked home because he felt so anxious about it.

Primarily I just felt awful and comforted him and skipped the pep talks… for awhile. I gave him the usual set but I don’t think they worked. He went back and tried out (got cut but was told it was because he was a sixth grader and come back next year) but I think what gave him the courage was hearing the coach talk about wanting everyone to come to practice. Gave him the confidence to get back in.

[Anonymous]

I might consider getting a therapist to support your teen! There are a few really great neurodiversity affirming therapists that help in the area with confidence, self awareness, and understanding oneself as a adhd teen.

[Anonymous]

Yeah PP, I could have totally seen my DD crying and walking home today if I’d left her there. She was majorly crying with me and just begging me to take her home, said she could not do get out there.

She said she knew she disappointed us by not going and we both told her that wasn’t true but it wasn’t about disappointing us. She was selling herself short. She has so much natural talent and we believe in her, no matter what. You gotta believe in yourself. That just made her cry harder.

This stuff is so hard. DH, who was an athlete; I wasn’t, keeps telling me — the drive has to come from within. I just hate to see her beat herself up when she is talented and has played for so many years, whether she plays this or some other sport.

[Anonymous]

If she's fixating on the negatives, it might be helpful to gently remind her of the some of the positives. My DC has "automatic negative thoughts" (ANTS) sometimes and that can be helpful. It can also help to have them challenge their negative thought - "Is this really true? 100% true?"

[Anonymous]

That’s really great about the coach, PP. A good coach can work wonders!! I’m hoping my DD will have someone who mentors her — anyone but me!

[Anonymous]

I imagine the new school anxiety is getting mixed up with the try out anxiety and producing a perfect storm.

Being unable to do the try out doesn’t mean she can’t try out later. She could try out as a 10th grader when she is more comfortable. Meanwhile she needs a plan for how she’ll keep playing this year. Can she continue with a club team?

Talking through this may take the pressure off enough that she can think “I’ll try out because it is good for me and I might make it. But it’s okay if I get cut! I have a backup plan.” It may feel very all or nothing right now. As an athlete and the mom of a college athlete I can tell you that coaches really admire a younger kid who shows up and tries, even if they aren’t yet ready. They’ll admire the effort, not look down on the lack of skill/familiarity with drills.

You and your husband are both right, I think. The motivation must come from her - she needs to have the drive to play. But part of the process of getting her to participate in tryouts will be talking. Identifiying catastrophic thinking, planning for what she’ll do if things don’t go as planned, building her confidence that she can handle feeling anxious. She doesn’t need to be cajoled or talked into it though.

[Anonymous]

She was with a travel club last year but I doubt we will do that again this year, whether she makes the high school team or not. Aside from being very expensive, we have other priorities on our plate for the coming year. I am hoping she might be able to play another sport or get involved with clubs at school.

It will be weird though for not to play a sport. She’s played for years.

[Anonymous]

If you are financially able to throw money at this problem, I would suggest a private coach, even if it is a club or recruited college kid home for summer.

[Anonymous]

Your husband is right.

[Anonymous]

This is straight up anxiety. Exposure therapy i.e. doing the thing is the best medicine but get her support to help her build back towards doing the thing. Also, trying to understand what is beneath the anxiety rather than just pushing (like your husband) is a better long term strategy.

[Anonymous]

Lastly, your husband, as a former athlete might have a skewed perception of reality. My DH and I were both D1 college athletes, and only one out of four kids stayed with their sport through all of high school. Many kids drop off around this time and find other interests. It's not necessarily a "failure". Sports are generally far more competitive than when we were growing up.

[Anonymous]

Does she have an executive function therapist that can help with handling the emotion regulation and cognitive overload that likely factor into the anxiety?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:This is straight up anxiety. Exposure therapy i.e. doing the thing is the best medicine but get her support to help her build back towards doing the thing. Also, trying to understand what is beneath the anxiety rather than just pushing (like your husband) is a better long term strategy.

+1. She needs to keep going. Letting anxiety make decisions is a recipe for more anxiety. Now the next time she goes it's going to be worse.

One strategy that might be helpful is to get there way early so only a few kids are there.
Another would be catching a ride with another girl who is trying out so they can walk in together.

[Anonymous]

I have one kid with ADHD and dyslexia and a different kid with anxiety. My kid with ADHD/dyslexia wouldn’t do this tryout practice thing, but my daughter with anxiety would absolutely do that in order to self sabotage. When she is feeling pressure and that she may not make a team or do well in something she will often self sabotage by doing something like not going to a practice. Then if she doesn’t make the team, it isn’t that she wasn’t good enough, it is that she didn’t go to the practices. She was doing this subconsciously I think. I found naming it explicitly helped a lot.