Boarding School for Exec Functioning / ADHD

[Anonymous]

Hoping for some insight from boarding school parents of children with executive functioning/ADHD issues.

We have to choose between a supportive private high school and a supportive boarding school for our child's junior and senior year.

We are in NYC and the two main choices of private SN schools with the appropriate support both seem to have a high percentage of students that use drugs / get stoned at school. I know this is typical in general at most NYC privates and I am hoping my child would not fall into these groups but it is a concern especially for a child whose brain is dopamine seeking in general.

To date, DC has not been exposed to party kids due to a very lovely small school that he has now outgrown.

Was wondering if any parents who chose boarding school for this type of child has any observations or advice for me.

Some on our child's team are conflicted about the best choice: one argument is that staying at home will mean we can monitor and oversee the executive functioning issues. But the NYC schools are a bit loosey-goosey and allows phones, unfettered internet access during the day, lots of "study periods' etc which may be too unstructured for our child.

This also puts me in the position of being the nag and the executive functioning coach and I am exhausted and my career is completely tanking over the level of support I provide him at home. I'll do it if necessary but would prefer to be able to refocus on my career in order to pay for college.

The boarding school we are considering has a strict zero-tolerance drug and alcohol policy -- and a strict no phone policy until 8 p.m. plus they restrict the internet usage. It is a top school with good executive functioning support. But I will not be able to monitor him and I do not know -- and cannot know -- how closely the school will tighten the reigns on him.

Any advice welcome.

[Anonymous]

What about moving? Why do you have to live in NYC? Why can’t you commute?

[Anonymous]

I wouldn’t send my kid to boarding school. find another option.

[Anonymous]

It sounds like you found the best possible fit for your kid. I have a friend who sent their ADHD kid to a NE boarding school with a good ski racing program, and it was a nice fit, as the skiing and related outdoor activities were just so good for his soul (I know that's a weird way to say it) that the academics fell into place more easily.

[Anonymous]

It sounds like you’re leaning to the boarding school. Have you talked with parents of kids with ADHD at the school? My concern is it is very easy for a school to talk about their support and services, more difficult to ensure a kid takes advantage of them. Sometimes, I have found with my kid, it requires highly developed EF skills to access EF supports.

I suspect a zero tolerance policy for drugs and alcohol means that if they catch you, you’re out, not that nobody is drinking or doing drugs. But the phone policy sounds good to me.

[Anonymous]

Boarding schools that are strict about phones and internet usage usually physically hold the phones during class time and have rules about nighttime usage and use software to monitor internet activity. If he's on your phone account you should be able to track his usage and make sure he's not sneaking it somehow. Policy varies by school but a lot of boarding schools make it clear that violating the rules, like trying to sneak a burner phone, will result in disciplinary action. If the school offers a lot of executive function support that should also mean they're finding activities to keep the students busy after school and on weekends and giving a reasonable amount of scheduled downtime, meaning you aren't the one constantly tightening the reigns or running yourself ragged trying to keep him occupied. This is one of the reasons people pay $$$ to send their kids to these schools.

What do the counselors at his current school suggest?

[Anonymous]

I went to boarding school, and I would say that you should only send your son to boarding school if he wants to go. Like really, really wants the experience of boarding. It is really hard at times and can be very lonely for some kids, so choosing the experience is important.

And as the pp above says…zero tolerance means they kick you out when they find you, not that no one does drugs/drinks. Kids at every single high school drink and do drugs. Truly. My school was zero tolerance and I used to sneak out, get drunk, and go sledding in the middle of the night on stolen cafeteria trays. Or we’d sneak out and smoke pot in the woods.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:It sounds like you’re leaning to the boarding school. Have you talked with parents of kids with ADHD at the school? My concern is it is very easy for a school to talk about their support and services, more difficult to ensure a kid takes advantage of them. Sometimes, I have found with my kid, it requires highly developed EF skills to access EF supports.

Great comment. Thank you

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:What do the counselors at his current school suggest?

Our team is split 50/50. Down the middle. Longtime teachers, counselors, psych/NP, therapist.

[Anonymous]

You won’t have to worry about paying for college if your kid is a drug addict. What’s your plan C?

[Anonymous]

Boarding school was terrific for my adhd kids. Two different schools, and fwiw the better resourced one was better equipped to meet exec functioning needs.

Proctored study hall was amazing for habit building. There was no wrestling over homework, because everyone around them was doing it too. Night after night, month after month, year after year, at 7pm the whole campus went quiet and everyone sat down to get their work done. It was actually a relief to my kid, bc it removed the internal struggle. Same with keeping their rooms organized or getting out the door in the morning — the standards were clear, the support was there, and all their peers were doing it, too. The whole system was built around building life skills, and doing so in a scaffolded way, and in community, which made it fun.

But I agree the kid has to want to go, and has to want to be there.

Also, I’m telling you now: they basically all have zero tolerance policies, and kids still sneak in booze and weed. That’s where wanting to be there makes a difference — your kid will make better, smarter choices if he actually cares about being there.

[Anonymous]

I don’t have any experience with boarding schools, but one thing to consider is if he is college bound, after senior year he will be thrown into an environment where he has access to all means of substances, technology, etc with basically no scaffolding. So is it better for him to navigate that at home with you? Or would the schedule/scaffolding of boarding school help him with the transition?

[Anonymous]

You seem to like his current school. In what ways has he outgrown it? Have you tried hiring an executive function coach? I’m wondering if his current school plus an executive function coach to hire is the best combination. I would not send them to the school that has reputation for a bunch of screwed up kids who use a lot of drugs and alcohol.

[Anonymous]

Didn't you already post this, maybe on the Private School forum? Or are you another poster asking a very specific and similar question?

I'm only asking because I have experience with boarding schools and wrote out two long responses for the last post. If you're a diff poster, I'll see if I can link for you.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I don’t have any experience with boarding schools, but one thing to consider is if he is college bound, after senior year he will be thrown into an environment where he has access to all means of substances, technology, etc with basically no scaffolding. So is it better for him to navigate that at home with you? Or would the schedule/scaffolding of boarding school help him with the transition?

Boarding schools are great with that. It's a soft launch.

--Sent two kids to boarding school