Attend SN kid events with no spousal supports

[Anonymous]

I am certain that DH has high functioning asd/ADHD. He has had zero supports from family, school and work because he is never diagnosed. He does not like it that I take our high functioning asd/ADHD kids to special need kid events because he does not think they belong there. He thinks that our kids will grow like him. He probably forgets the struggles and the sadness that he told me that few times that he did not understand why he had no friends at school, why he could not focus at school, and why his family did not love him etc.. I never ask him to attend any of those events, and I don't understand why he is not happy about it. I have asked him before if it hurts him that his family never had given him any supports but he says that I am being ridiculous. I take our children to attend those events for resources and social interactions. And, I also see that as an opportunities for them to see teen volunteers as a role model that I hope one day they can become one. Kids sometimes like some of the activities exposure and some of volunteer teens attention and social interactions. They are judgement free when they attend these events and all volunteers have lots of patience and love. They are mainstream with IEP and they have a lot of opportunities to interact with NT kids through school, camps and sports. It is just a vent post. Anyone is like me that doing things out of best interests for kids without spousal supports.

[Anonymous]

Are these events with kids who are more severely affected?

[Anonymous]

My experience is that this kind of denial or no support comes from someone with needs themselves.
I have one family member who is trying to tell about 10 other family members that he is autistic and that other might be too including children. Some think children will need support, some think 'we are all a little autistic.'
My ex would have locked me out if I had done what you are doing. Keep going as long as the kids want to go and let him complain.

[Anonymous]

To be clear, I think your husband is wrong. But since you cannot change him, do you have to announce “this is a special needs event” when you go? “Little Larlo and I are running over to an event at the park” would likely suffice. You don’t need to poke a stick in his eye.

As far as your husband not supporting the journey, it is totally common and totally sucks. You just have to decide how to either live with it or get a divorce.

[Anonymous]

I think the majority of mothers of SN children have spouses who are in complete denial, or who are SN themselves and can't provide adequate support because of it.

[Anonymous]

I barely know any couples that are both willing to go to these events.

[Anonymous]

My ADHD/ASD husband was like this all of our son's elementary years, OP. He dragged his feet on paying for a neuropsych for years, until I had a fit and told him I'd pay for it regardless. Then he adamantly refused to have him medicated, until our son failed 4th grade and developed depression because he thought he was stupid.

Now our ADHD/ASD son is a successful young adult. At some point during his adolescence, my husband acknowledged that I did the right thing. It doesn't erase the years of tension and arguments I had with him surrounding our son's education, and all the work my son and I put in when he was little, while he brushed all my concerns away and poo-poohed our stress and efforts.

I try not to think about our past, otherwise I get resentful. But because he had a change of heart, my husband is now a lot more involved with guiding his son through young adult life (teaching him about repairing his car, how to ask for a credit card limit increase, etc).

So. Small mercies, I guess.

Hang in there, OP. Support your child with everything you've got. It will pay off.